If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…
Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.
Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.
There is no time to rest in football. Ferguson might have been dancing on the tables last night, but he’d have been back at his desk this morning with a muesli bar from a garage to plan how to best inflict pain on others come August.
Today’s transfer rumours read like this:
Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United
Wow, where did this one come from? Who knew that Berbs wanted to leave? Might it have something to do with his agent demanding that he leave? As things stand United are front-runners, with Ferguson after a mature football mind to spearhead his attack. But there have also been increasingly fervent whispers echoing in from Barcelona insisting that he can go there if he wants to. Sir Alex will have to be at his most charming and flirtatious to bag this puppy. So to speak.
Samuel Eto’o to Inter Milan
More bad news Spurs. Apparently Inter are set to stroll up to the Barca striker and casually ask whether he’d like to join the Italian champions or the eleventh best Premier League side.
The big news today is that it is officially the most meltiest hot day ever known to mankind - or, at least, it feels that way. And in other smoldering news, Ronaldo will be lining up for Real Madrid next year…
Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
The loud clamour coming from sunny Spain is that Cristiano Ronaldo has already met with Real Madrid’s Director of Football and agreed to play for the La Liga winners next season. It would, of course, be the biggest scoop of the summer, probably breaking big transfer records. You heard it here first (or second if you read the Spanish press, clever cloggs).
Thierry Henry to Absolutely Anywhere
Anyone who saw the aftershow chit-chat following last night’s Real Madrid/ Barcelona drubbing already knows that at Barca they have an enormous list of players who they don’t want any more (according to the terrifying satanic voice of Henk ten Cate). One of those is Thierry Henry. He will be off.
Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester City
Manchester City are ready to offer £32 million for Berbatov, and will be hoping to tempt him with their long winters, non-Champions League football, and eccentric owner who has a reassuringly itchy trigger finger. Good luck, guys.
Geordie Messiah’s managerial position is hanging by a thread. Again.
Following his ‘Premier League is boring‘ rant earlier this week, King Kev of Keegan has been summoned all the way down to ‘that London’ for ‘crunch talks‘ with Mike Ashley. The Geordie Messiah hasn’t had the best of seasons (winning just four of fifteen games in charge) and the rash manner in which Big Sam was dismissed exemplifies the club’s lack of patience in managerial matters.
So has the facegripping gaffer opened the door for little Dennis Wise to come downstairs, or is the fans’ favourite safe for another season? Votes and comments below, please.
When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:
Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.
Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.
Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!
Kevin Keegan criticises one of Europe’s most exciting leagues
Clearly, being part of a league whose title and relegation will be decided on the final day is not exciting enough for Kevin Keegan. He bleated the following in this morning’s Sun newspaper:
This league is in great danger of becoming one of the most boring but great leagues in the world. The top four this year will be the same as next year. […] The only games they lose are to each other. Not many sides outside the top four are beating them.
Keegan makes a fair (if unoriginal) point about the dominance of the Big Four, but is he right in saying the Premier League is boring? Or is the chip on his shoulder simply venting the frustration of not being able to break into the top pack? Votes and comments below, please.
Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.
GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.
DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.
DC William Gallas (Arsenal)
Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.
DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.
While most sane people have spent the morning looking to the heavens trying to figure out where all the drizzle is coming from, the rest of us have been discussing London Elections, chomping back numerous bags of crisps, and keeping a casual eye fixed angrily on transfer rumours. Here’s what it found out.
Dean Ashton to Newcastle
Kevin Keegan is reportedly eyeing up Ashton to take over Mark Viduka’s role of standing perfectly still while Michael Owen and Obafemi Martin zip around in circles like dogs chasing a bumble bee. Ashton is rumoured to be keen.
David Villa to Tottenham
Days after emphatically declaring Arsenal as his dream destination, it looks like David Villa might throw caution to the wind and go to Spurs instead. Luckily for him, Tottenham fans are hugely forgiving - just ask Pat Jennings… or Sol Campbell.
For those who missed Britain’s Got Talent at the weekend, the conclusion was that it doesn’t… got talent. No one new came along to wow the judges, and the only real positive was the body popping street urchin who made everyone erupt into spontaneous tears of euphoria last year. In a similar vein, it looks like Chelsea have stopped looking for new stars and just want Kaka or Messi - has Abramovich secretly put Cowell in charge of transfers?
Kaka to Chelsea
Milan moneyman Adriano Galliani’s bold declaration that it would take something stupid like £55 million to prize Kaka away was intended to stop people hassling him all the time. What he didn’t take into account is that Abramovich happily spends £55 million on breakfasting and yachts.
Richard Dunne to Newcastle
In his continuing quest to assemble a team which could have won the league in 1999, Keegan is apparently taking a serious look at Dunne - no doubt intending to play him in a defence consisting of him, Steve Howey, Jason McAteer, and Graeme Le Saux. Hey Kevin, you know who’s really good? Alan Shearer!
Gareth Barry to Arsenal
With the rumours heavily suggesting that Flamini is going to flounce off to Italy in the summer, the whisper is that Arsenal are going to challenge Liverpool and Chelsea for Barry’s affections. Which, of course, means that he’s off to Old Trafford to stare awkwardly at Carrick and Hargreaves in training.
In an interview to be shown on tomorrow’s Football Focus, Barcelona striker Thierry Henry pines for the days he spent in North London. ‘There’s only one team for me in my heart,’ he said in reference to the team he left last June. Rumours are rife that Henry will be a part of Frank Rijkaard’s summer clearance, and he could well be headed for the Premiership. But would Wenger actually have him back? Wouldn’t he better off becoming another weapon in Chelsea’s, er, arsenal?
