Le Saux and Incey - not friends

Readers of Sunday newspapers tend to be divided into flocks. You’ve got your Sunday Times types, with their warmed up croissants, and coffee poured from one of those pushy-downy things. Then The Observer crew, who like a fry up - so long as it’s all organic. Telegraph readers will spend most of the day sneering about things, and letting out the occasional ironic honking noise when assessing the weekend’s rugby.

And then there are the tabloids, which rank steadily downwards from the News of the World to the Sunday Sport. What Mail on Sunday readers do with their weekends is probably not suitable for print.

Anyway, for those who view themselves as rather a cut above from the jeans-wearers who like to catch up on Take That sex scandals, the News of the World provided one very intriguing story yesterday - penned from the quill of Paul Ince.

‘The most talked about model in the country,’ says her new book…

They say that everyone has a book within them, and 24-year-old glamour model Cassie Sumner is no exception. When she isn’t putting her thoughts to paper or bearing her breasts outside nightclubs, Kent-born Cassie has been steadily working her way through the Chelsea team - so far she has bagged Celestine Babayaro, Steve Watts and Michael Essien.

The cover of her latest tome boasts that she has dated ‘everyone from Russell Brand to [the aforementioned] Michael Essien’, depsite the fact that Essien denied they ever went out and Brand discredited her kiss-and-tell claims as part of his stand up tour. Nevertheless, we at The Spoiler took a scientific approach to discovering who the ‘everyone’ in the huge spectrum between Mr Brand and Mr Essien may be, and devised the Cassie Sumner famous steamroll-o-meter:

Looks like it was only Ziggy, then.

She sounds posh, but her public steamrollering habits say otherwise

The night before England’s crucial qualifying match with Croatia at Wembley, the England squad stayed at the Grove Hotel in Watford, whose decor is more akin to a knocking shop than a top-class hotel. The same day, a group of models were attending a photoshoot for breast cancer awareness at the hotel, and the paths of ‘soccer ace’ Alan Smith and Sophie Bovington-Kerr collided. In a

Ex-WAG gets over Jermain Defoe the best way she knows how

In case you don’t know the wretched story, Jermain Defoe was happily dating model Charlotte Meares, and they had planned a lavish wedding, which included a ‘five foot ice sculpture of their interlocked initials’. This classy affair, however, was put to an end by hate monger Danielle Lloyd, who

Peter Crouch’s WAG combines bathing and socialising

When a gaggle of gorgeous models tour the West End’s trendiest bars in a night of celebration, where are they most likely to end up for the after party? Chinawhite’s? Unconscious on Dean Gaffney’s kitchen floor? Nope, the correct answer is

Grasping model breaks a fat chunk off another dumbcluck’s fortune

Tottenham fans will be delighted to hear that after a season of disappointment there is some good news at last: third-choice striker Jermain Defoe has bought a £20,000 watch for girlfriend Danielle Lloyd. Apart from the childish pleasure the supporters doubtless derive from watching their money make its mazy way through the Spurs digestive system and out onto a model’s wrist, additional delight comes in the form of the happiness the timepiece has brought the couple.

“Dani’s under no illusion that she means the world to Jemain,” said a “pal”, possibly from a mental hospital, to the

Rio is making sure his team will be Big Pimpin’ and knee-deep in hos

If you thought seeing an underperforming Ukrainian wearing a sexy rollneck to a party was exciting, wait until you hear the plans for Manchster Utd’s festive shin dig!

According to our good friends at Kickette, The Reds will be kicking into

The man who invented computers would be spinning in his grave

Whenever they’re quizzed about their personal lives away from the pitch, footballers are full of cliches - they might have “a glass of wine over dinner” or play some golf to unwind. But the real truth is far more disturbing.

Just look at Ashley Young.

While his team mates are happy to get blitzed in Movida/Chinawhites, or enjoy a some textbook intercourse with Danielle Lloyd, Young is logging on to the internet and frenziedly masturbating down a webcam to get his headrush.

“At first he seemed so charming and nice,” says Sarah - eyeballs still on stalks - to the News of the World. She’d met the Villa winger online, got chatting, and in true football fashion it wasn’t long before “he was going hard at it, reaching a climax at about 1.30am.”

“He’s got an impressive package,” she gasped in reference to her Premier League cyber-love. “I couldn’t believe what I was watching.”

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