Relegation-baiting midfielder told to stay away

Like heavy rocks in a bin-liner full of kittens, the dead weight of West Ham midfielder Nigel Quashie’s astounding mediocrity has dragged four of his five previous clubs into the relegation mire in the past 14 years.

With the Hammers currently languishing 19th in the Premier League, boss Gianfranco Zola seems to have finally caught wind of Quashie’s club-damning reputation and is now on a mission to keep the midfielder away from Upton Park at all costs.

According to reports in the News of the World, having already been packed off to Poland, Nigel has now been told to stay away from training completely, being offered the tasty incentive of seeing out his £20,000 p/w contract by sitting at home watching The Wright Stuff:

“The midfielder approached the Hammers last week about a pay-off, after manager Gianfranco Zola ignored his claims for a recall.

Instead Quashie, forced to travel to Poland last week with the reserves, was told he no longer has to report for training.

The players who should have stayed put in the new year

Provided that Manchester City get their chequebook out and kick start the financial merry-go-round,  this January is sure to bring plenty of interesting movement in the transfer market. With this in Mind, The Spoiler decided to build a team of the worst January deals to go down since the window’s 2003 inception…

Ben Alnwick (Sunderland to Spurs, 2007) - £900,000
He didn’t exactly break the bank, but Alnwick has been at Tottenham for almost two years without troubling the first team. Instead, he has been farmed out on loan to Carlise, Leicester and Luton.

Jan Kromkamp (Villareal to Liverpool, 2006) - Swap
Forget finding Fernando Torres a new strike partner; Benitez’s main problem is deciding on his fullbacks: he has signed two per year for the past three years while the likes of John Arne Riise, Steve Finnan and Stephen Warnock have been shown the door. While Liverpool didn’t pay anything for Kromkamp (he was swapped for another crap right-back Josemi), he was useless. Jan made a handful of appearances but Rafa realised his mistake and moved him on just seven months later.

Jean-Alain Boumsong (Rangers to Newcastle, 2005) - £8m
Boumsong only lasted a year in the north-east but it was enough time to gain him the accolade as one half of ‘the Chuckle Brothers Live Show’, along with comedy sidekick Titus Bramble.

Ricardo Rocha (Benfica to Spurs, 2007) - £3.3m
The Portuguese has made 13 starts in the league over nearly two years and has failed

22 days until the window is flung open

The man who was rewarded handsomely for a dismal Premier League performance looks to be interested in one or two players from White Hart Lane, and Zokora isn’t among them. More info in today’s round-up of gossip, rumours and damned lies…

West Ham players to the highest bidder
Cash-strapped West Ham will listen to any offers for a number of first team players in a bid to raise transfer funds for boss Gianfranco Zola, reports the Daily Express. High on The Italian’s list is Fiorentina striker Giampaolo Pazzini who is valued at £7 million. Apparently, the Hammers would be interested in selling one of their three strikers - Carlton Cole, Dean Ashton or Craig Bellamy, but are keen to keep Robert Green and Matthew Upson. The Daily Mail, however, say Harry Redknapp is lining up a £16 million joint bid for both Upson and Green.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Quashie, Davenport and Boa Morte would be welcomed departures although there might be a lack of Premiership interest, particularly in Nigel “I’ve -been-relegated-with-four-clubs” Quashie’s case. There would be interest in Ashton, Cole and Bellamy from Everton and West Brom (both in dire need of strikers) if the price was right.

Aaron Lennon and David Bentley to Real Madrid
Juande Ramos’ first transfer priority is to bring in some new widemen to the Bernabeu. Ramos is reportedly keen to raid the club nearly ran into the ground for David Bentley and Aaron Lennon.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Lennon has been Spurs’ best player under Redknapp and it is unlikely he would let either Bentley or Lennon leave unless it was for big money. The Madrid board are unlikely to release too much cash for stop-gap Ramos, who has only been given a six month deal.

A striker to West Brom
West Brom are keen to add

The worst players currently plying their trade in the top flight

A survey of the worst Premier League players of all time as conducted by Top-Up TV arrived at Spoiler Towers this morning, and their ‘Relegation Utd’ looked a little something like this:

Massimo Taibi; Titus Bramble; Jean-Alain Boumsong; Abel Xavier; and Darren Peacock; Eric Djemba Djemba; Luke Chadwick; Carlton Palmer; Lee Dong Gook; Thomas Brolin; Diego Forlan; and manager Sammy Lee.

After wondering how the Top-Up TV team that didn’t include the man who Alan Mullery declared as the worst player ever to grace the top flight, Carl Leaburn, we decided that there are eleven men currently earning their keep in the Prem who would lose to this motley lot…

Paul Robinson, Blackburn
Proved that he didn’t leave his catalogue of errors at White Hart Lane when Mikel Arteta’s free-kick from a ridiculous angle caught him out on the opening day of the season.

Jlloyd Samuel, Bolton
Graduated from the same “I-may-have-a-great-name-but-I’m-not-a-great-footballer” club as Eric Djemba-Djemba and Quincy Owusu-Abeyie.

Titus Bramble, Wigan
Alright, so there was one player on their

Ego, false promises and treachery of the WAG lifestyle revealed

On the surface, being a WAG is bloody brilliant - loads of money, plenty of holidays and enough celebrity to get into the trendiest of provincial nightspots without hassle - but this life comes at a cost. Suzanne Franklin spent up to £8,000 a week on crap she didn’t need while dating West Ham’s fugly midfielder Nigel Quashie, but she recently revealed the “squalid reality” of her glamorous experience:

‘I fell for Nigel instantly,’ she says. ‘But he betrayed me. He picked me because I was innocent and removed from his industry. He manipulated and moulded me into somebody different. I became obsessed with money and the way I looked. I felt like a doll - an accessory to look good on his arm.

‘I got caught up in a shallow world where everyone backstabs and bitches. The women hate each other and the men just want to sleep around.’