Louis van Gaal to prevent top stars from getting their grooves on

In his first attempt to impose some authority on his newly inherited Bayern Munich squad, Louis van Gaal has insisted that his players cut sexy disco visits out of their routines.

According to Bild, the disciplinarian Dutchman will be monitoring his players’ extra-curricular activities, presumably through a network of “disco detectives”. Van Gaal said he will be paying particularly close attention to notorious night spot P1, Munich’s equivalent of Movida where Munich’s equivalent of Danielle Lloyd probably hangs out.

Turkish midfielder Hamit Altıntop - clearly a fan of pounding German techno music and lady-based fun - does not seem to agree with the restrictions:

“Work is work. Private is private. The coach has said nothing to us about this.”

Popular Bayern striker Miroslav Klose, however, won’t miss the Munich nightlife:

“Every player needs to behave professionally, and needs to know what is right and important. I know some players who went to the disco every day.”

After making these comments, Klose apparently went and put an apple on Van Gaal’s desk. Simultaneously, Franck Ribery reportedly scrawled ‘Ass Kisser’ on Klose’s car, before running behind the bike sheds to smoke cigarettes and look at porn with Luca Toni.

[A tip of the cap to IMScouting]

Brazilian superstar finds room in his crowded nightlife schedule for a trip to a local hospital

Brazilian party boy Ronaldinho, who has spent the last six months of his career at Barcelona working on his reputation as damaged goods, could have a lot more leisure time on his hands if a secretive midnight medical check up turns out to be accurate.

Spanish news website ADN reports that last week Ronaldinho turned up at the Delfos Clinic in Barcelona at 1.30 in the morning with his own private doctor, and unknown to Barcelona medical staff or Frank Rijkaard, underwent a series of x-rays and medical tests that showed his physical state to be far worse than previously imagined - “dire”, in fact.

Rumours are aswirl that the tests were performed at the urging of one of the clubs interested in buying him, and just last week Silvio Berlusconi, who had previously been pursuing the Brazilian with all the ardour of Russell Brand with perfume in his nostrils