England the hors d’oeuvre ahead of an Argentine main course

Starting at 5pm, you can take your televisual pick from five meaningless World Cup qualifiers, before the real action starts at a slightly-inconvenient-if-you-work time of 11.

Germany (already through) vs Finland (already out) help ESPN stave off the test card from 5pm, before channel hoppers enter heaven at around 7. Sky Sports 2 at 6:30 is the place to be to watch Shay Given clap the crowd who in turn will be clapping him, as he wins his 100th cap against Montenegro. Meanwhile Slovenia’s inevitable win in San Marino, makes Czech Republic vs Northern Ireland (7:20 BBC red button) another dead rubber.

Liverpool TV is the place to watch the top two in Group 5. Turn on at 6:45 for Bosnia-Herzegovina vs Spain, a match Rafa doesn’t want any of his stars to play in, although presumably LFCTV advertising execs take an opposing view.

Or walk the way of ITV1 at 7:30 to watch Gabriel Agbonlahor, Ben Foster, Michael Carrick and assorted others once more prove they aren’t quite up to international football. But all this is mere flotsam and jetsam compared to the second oldest derby in international football. Separated by the widest river in the world, tonight’s result could ensure many more miles will be separating the players of Uruguay and Argentina next June. Maradona’s men need a draw to qualify, but should they lose, and Ecuador win in Chile, the World Cup 2010 will take place without the world’s best player. Sky Sports 1 at 11 for the game of the season thus far.

UPDATE The Chile vs Ecuador match bizarrely (and slightly unfairly) kicks off an hour earlier, so if the away side win that game, the second half in Montevideo really will be something.

Any predictions? Let us know below…

The Holy Goalie received his comeuppance, says Polish legend

We at The Spoiler were having trouble figuring out the reason for Artur Boruc’s massive howler against Northern Ireland at the weekend. Did he suffer a temporary rage blackout? Was he preoccupied by thoughts of T-shirts with hilariously offensive slogans on them?

Apparently not. This morning, legendary keeper and controversial pundit Jan Tomaszewski has cleared things up. The Pole - who was dubbed “The Man That Stopped England” after an outstanding performance in a World Cup qualifier in 1974 - says Boruc’s blunder was “a punishment from God”:

“Artur has no one to blame but himself. You could say he has had a punishment from God.

“He started a religious war in Glasgow and now it’s come back to haunt him. That is why he was under so much pressure in Belfast - as he is hated by most of the Protestant community.”

Polish keeper gifts a win to Northern Ireland

Nigel Worthington’s Northern Ireland went a point clear at the top of Group Three this weekend, thanks to a 61st minute error from Celtic keeper Artur Boruc.

The inexplicably angry Pole, who loves nothing more than winding up Rangers fans, was on the receiving end of laughter rather than venemous insults, as a result of his utter failure to clear Michal Zewlakow’s back-pass.

Defeat at Wembley will make Scotland the best home nation

The latest FIFA Rankings were published today, and England sit in lowly fifteenth place (down from ninth last month), while Scotland have climbed a spot to reach sixteenth.

The drop has occured because the rankings are calculated by the last four year’s of results, and England’s relatively solid Euro 2004 performance has just fallen out of range. The biggest concern for England fans, however, is that Scotland could overtake them if they fail to beat the Czech Republic at Wembley on August 20th. On the same day, the Scots are hosting Northern Ireland, and only a victory against the Czechs will ensure the chaps from above Hadrian’s Wall don’t jump ahead in the rankings for the first time since 1995.

On the one hand, this is a potentially huge embarrassment for the English. On the other, the FIFA rankings are an irrelevant waste of time and nobody cares.