Eastenders viewing figures not under threat this evening

Tranmere Rovers vs. Stockport County (7.45pm, Sky Sports 1)
Tranmere play their first game without the recently sacked John Barnes, as club physio Les Parry attempts a Nigel Adkins by trading the magic sponge for the tactics board in the guise of caretaker boss.

Both sides have struggled of late: the hosts have just one win in their last 11 while Stockport have won just once on the road in the league since February. Stockport sit 20th in the table and Tranmere occupy 22nd, making it a potential six pointer for the relegation candidates.

Oldham Ath Reserves vs. Manchester Utd Reserves (7pm, MUTV)
United reserves are looking to defend the Manchester Senior Cup for the third year running and tonight come up against Oldham. On paper, it may not sound like the most riveting

The stars who have failed to live up to their transfer fees

As the folks who ploughed their cash into the Sega Saturn, Minidiscs and HD-DVDs will testify, sometimes smart investments don’t quite work out. With this in mind, Spoiler correspondent Joe Thompson has compiled a list of ten Premier League players who have failed to deliver on the financial commitment their respective clubs made to bring them in…

Andriy Shevchenko
(Chelsea, £31m)
When Chelsea signed ‘Sheva’ in 2006 on a four year deal, it was for a club record fee - but this was a record breaking player. He’d won everything with Milan, bagged the Ballon d’Or and had twice been top scorer in Serie A. Since his move to West London, however, he’s managed 20 goals in 83 appearances, and a season shipped out on loan back to his beloved Milan. Did he rediscover his form there? Did he f**k. He’ll be 33 next month as a once-great career slides away. Abramovich’s ultimate vanity signing has been his worst.

Kolo Toure
(Manchester City, £14m)
While part of the 2003/04 title-winning ‘invincibles’, he could have been in the Best Value top ten. One of Wenger’s best buys for £150,000, he was immense. The past couple of seasons though, Toure and Arsenal have struggled with consistency, with the team’s spine being called into question. Unlike Chelsea with Shevchenko, The Citizens have bought a player who has already lost his form.

Zat Knight
(Bolton, £5m)
You’ve got to feel for Bolton fans.

Has Owen Hargreaves lit up an old flame?

Model and moped enthusiast Zabeena Harris has reportedly dumped perennially injured Manchester Utd star Owen Hargreaves in favour of Millwall’s Chris Hackett. Apparently, the split isn’t borne out of a desire to spend more time in Bermondsey, but because Hargreaves recently enjoyed “a secret date with a former sweetheart.”

After a bit of detective work, The Spoiler believes the former sweetheart is likely to have been ex-fiancée Janelle Khouri, the lovely lady with whom the midfielder lived when he was rockin’g some fierce Michael Ballack-style curtains at Bayern Munich.

England/Andorra, World Cup Qualifier, 8.15pm, ITV1

The Three Lions are ever-so-slight 1/200 favourites to make it seven wins out of seven in the World Cup qualifiers against an Andorra side who have never won away from home. This is how The Spoiler would line up.

We disagree with the idea of playing Gary Neville ahead of Glen Johnson, who is a yellow card away from suspension. Fabio Capello wants everyone available to face Croatia at home but we feel having players ruled out for the game after that away to Ukraine could prove just as dangerous.

The biggest talking point is who will partner Frank Lampard in midfield with Gareth Barry suspended and Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves and Scott

Model makes ill-informed clothing choice for urban moped use

Things aren’t too rosy in the Owen Hargreaves camp - he’s been suffering from chronic Ledley King knee-itis, and there’s “little chance” he will be fit for the 2009/10. While he ponders the winter years of his career, he may seek some consolation in his unfaltering ability to attract awfully pretty ladies like Zabeena Harris.

Porto/Man Utd, Champions Lge QF 2nd leg, 7.45pm, Sky Sports 2

With only Owen Hargreaves, Wes Brown and Darren Fletcher certain to miss out through injury, Sir Alex Ferguson isn’t short of options for tonight’s second leg at Estadio do Dragao. The Manchester United boss often favours a 4-3-3 for European games but here’s how The Spoiler would line the holders up:

We’ve chosen 4-4-2 and have opted for the tireless grafting of Park Ji-Sung and Carlos Tevez over the experience of Ryan Giggs and Dimitar Berbatov’s calmness and occasional brilliance. Do you agree with our selections? Let us know with a comment below.

The least frugal investments in the beautiful game

With the news that Kaka may substitute hopes of silverware and European football for the chance to play in the Premier League*, The Spoiler has considered the top ten biggest wastes of money in Premier League history.

*We’re not saying Kaka won’t live up to a £100m price tag, but… actually yes, we are saying that. No one could possibly live up to such a ridiculous fee.

Andriy Shevchenko (£30m)
AC Milan to Chelsea, 2006
AC Milan’s second highest top scorer of all time put away 127 league goals in less than 200 starts for the Rossoneri, but managed just nine in two years at the Bridge. He was months away from his 30th birthday when he moved to England, which made the size of the fee even more alarming. Chelsea’s tails were firmly between their legs when they resold him to Milan last summer for an undisclosed fee - unlikely to be in excess of £5m.

Gaizka Mendieta (£29m)
Valencia to Lazio, 2001
Following an impressive spell with Valencia where he lead the side to back-to-back Champions League Finals, the two-time European Midfielder of the Year went to Lazio. He lasted just one season in Italy, scoring no goals. A loan spell back to Barcelona ensued, and then Middlesbrough, for whom he only made 26 league starts in three seasons before being released.

Juan Sebastian Veron (£28.1m)
Lazio to Manchester United, 2001
Man United broke the British transfer record in 2001 after Veron’s instrumental role in Sven-Goran Eriksson’s Lazio side (which won the league, the Coppa Italia and the Italian Super Cup the previous year). Although United made the mistake of bringing the Argentine to England, Chelsea’s decision to pay £15m after seeing his incompatibility with the English game was even

Why, let us do your job for you, Mr Capello

It’s been an interesting week or so, watching England amass eight goals, let in two, and yet still not look entirely convincing. Hence The Spoiler has decided to down tools for a couple of minutes and do Capello’s job for him. At last count, he’d made probably about five mistakes in two games - not involving Ashley Young or Micah Richards in his squads. Allowing Carragher to stay retired. Persisting with the ridiculous Lampard/Gerrard combo. Dropping Owen altogether. And thus we’ve come up with, injuries permitting, the team that will get England where they need to go.

Richards comes into the back four to add a bit of oomph to the right hand side. Wes Brown has been alright, but spends too much time with his mouth wide open watching the midfield pass it around.