Turn those frowns upside down…

The kindly turf accountants at Paddy Power are offering odds of 9/2 that J Defoe, Robbie-Robbie-Robbie (Keane) and the Berbman - the three strikers shown the big metal gates by Ramos and his loons - will outscore Spurs in this year’s Premier League campaign. So far they have six goals to Tottenham’s four, and that’s without Keane and Berbatov even bothering to thwack one in yet. Get right on it, Spurs fans. Get betting.

Every cloud has a silver etc…

How’s about this for a saying - better to be rich and miserable, than poor and miserable. The Spoiler just made it up, and as sayings go, it’s up there with the best. The Spoiler has already pointed out that Spurs definitely won’t win a Premier League game before Christmas, but over at Paddy Power, they’re still trading at odds of 25/1 on that exact outcome. So stop drinking, Spurs fans, remove the air rifles from your mouths, and click here to make some serious money!

Nice one Juande!

Champions League, 7.45pm, Sky Sports Xtra, Free £10 bet

Luiz Felipe Scolari admitted that it wouldn’t be a surprise if Chelsea were to lose in Romania tonight but, considering the start they have made to the season, not many people believe him. However, our pals at chickendinner believe that even if the Blues avoid their first defeat of the season against CFR Cluj, there’s no way they’ll leave with three points. Here’s why:

1. Chelsea have won their first four away games this season but in the last twenty years Chelsea have only once - 2003-04 - got through their first five on the road without dropping a point.

2. The Blues dropped points against all three of their group stage opponents last season - Valencia, Werder Bremen and Rosenberg - and against two out of three in each of the three seasons prior to that.

3. CFR Cluj have lost just three of their last forty home games in both the Romanian League and Europe.

Things are going to get worse for the Toon Army

Sky Sports News are reporting that Kevin Keegan has left Newcastle but the bad news doesn’t stop there: Alan Shearer is the 9/4 favourite with Paddy Power to take charge.

If the club don’t follow their appointment of King Kev by going for another returning hero in the guise of the bland Match of the Day pundit, it looks like Dennis Wise could be the new boss, with the current executive director 3/1 to take over.

Click here for a free £10 bet with Paddy Power.

Large automobile to be exchanged for dignity

Last night, Austrian striker Ivica Vastic earned himself a lifetime’s supply of beer from a Vienna-based brewery, by slotting away an injury time penalty. In the spirit of rewarding overpaid athletes for fulfilling the criteria of their job description, Paddy Power have offered the first Spaniard to score against Sweden tomorrow night a Hummer. That’s not a ‘hummer’ in the sense that Cristiano Ronaldo and his lady-of-the-night associates may understand it, but rather one of those grotesque gas-guzzling military vehicles that they can’t shift for love nor money anymore.

There is, however, one condition for the giveaway. The Spanish scorer must also perform the ‘Chiki-Chiki’ dance - it’s a joke routine that started on Spanish television and ended up being their 2008 Eurovision entry:

The home of Young Boys falls foul of rude semantics

In a bid to inject a little life into a neutral tournament in a neutral country, Oirish bookmakers Paddy Power have put up some tongue-in-cheek novelty markets. Currently, you can get 15/8 on Cristiano Ronaldo crying in the quarter-finals, and 100/1 on the Portuguese hiring a transsexual prostitute before missing a penalty.

Yet their best effort is entitled ‘First player to be pulled off at the Wankdorf Stadium?’ These days, the stadium is technically called Stade de Suisse, but the opportunity to make Ruud van Nistelrooy (favourite at 11/2) the victim of a sexually-charged pun is simply too good to pass up. His name is ‘Ruud’, which sounds like ‘rude’ - get it? Yeah, you get it.

To see Paddy Power’s Euro 2008 specials market and to receive a free £10 bet, click here.

Spoilsport Update: Rather coyly, they have renamed the Wankdorf market ‘First player to be subbed in Italy/ Holland’. Boooo.