Some more factually accurate news from the Spanish press

Last Tuesday, an anonymous Spanish sorcerer claimed that he had been hired to place a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, which would cause him to suffer an injury. Sh*t got real the following day, when the Real Madrid superstar picked up an injury that made him miss the match with Seville, which turned out to be Los Blancos first loss of the season.

Keen to give this highly credible story more publicity, Sport today have extracted more details from the media-savvy professional sorcerer, who is said to be a 57-year-old based in Malaga named Pepe (presumably, he is no relation to C-Ron’s crazy teammate of the same name).

The witchcraft expert has revealed that he was hired by a woman who was “deceived” by the Portuguese man-o’-sex. Given his penchant for ladies of ill repute, this piece of information doesn’t exactly round things down, but Pepe also describes his client as “very famous, rich and not European”. Therefore, the Spanish press infer that the prime suspect is Paris Hilton, who has publicly admitted that Ronaldo was “too gay” for her.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Bloomberg illustrate a story about “Santana” and the Premier League with Cristiano Ronaldo and Christian Dailly - two players who don’t play in the Premier League
[101GG]

Maradona’s grandson sports the latest range in baby wigs
[Dirty Tackle]

Philippe Mexes plays down rumours of a transfer to Chelsea
[Sky Sports]

Manchester Utd may offer Nani as part of the Antonio Valencia deal
[EatSleepSport]

Chantelle Houghton does Paris Hilton
[The Sun]

C-Ron’s clothes-hating ex speaks in new magazine interview

Thanks to the Spanish demand for a magazine which covers political and economic news and publishes near-pornographic images of famous women, Interviú exists. On the cover of this month’s edition is Nereida Gallardo, the lady who nearly melted the entire internet last summer when she romanced Cristiano Ronaldo.

In addition to posing with a Real Madrid shirt in the loosest sense possible, the perma-nude Majorcan gave her two cents on her former lover’s recent tryst with fellow dirtbag Paris Hilton:

“Nothing matters to him. She is just another shag. If he carries on at this pace Madrid should tremble.”

During their eight month relationship, Nereida says she spent five days a week in Manchester and the other two in Palma (Mallorca), and she seems irritated by the fact that she left her job because she asked him to. We’re not sure what that job was, but presumably it must have been more lucrative than the countless modelling jobs and TV appearances she has scored off the back of her WAG status.

When asked if she would ever try to rekindle the romance with the Portuguese man-o’-sex, Nereida simply says: “He would laugh in my face.”

More slightly-NSFW picture fun from Interviú after the jump…

It’s Cristiano Ronaldo’s new American BFF

Vapid hotel heiress and socialite Paris Hilton needs no introduction, but it looks like she’s getting one anyway. The singer, actress, model, entreprenuer and amatuer bongo star has dabbled in the world of Waggery  - enjoying relationships with Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart and former baseball pro Doug Reinhardt - but enters the big leagues this week after snaring Cristiano Ronaldo at an LA nightclub.   

Two of the world’s biggest libidos collide in LA

One is an over-sexed fame hungry whore who will do anything for attention, and the other is Paris Hilton.

In news that will surprise absolutely no one, Cristiano Ronaldo celebrated his transfer to Real Madrid in the company of one of America’s biggest waste of blood and organs.

By means of an incredible coincidence which could not have been pre-arranged, the Portuguese man-o-sex chanced upon the blonde heiress at Hollywood nightclub My House, where the tricky winger spent around £15,000 on drinks. Always one to slay the dragon named dignity, Miss Hilton draped herself over the him for the rest of the evening, allowing her black dress to ride up somewhere near her armpits.

Soon after, the pair headed to a Hollywood mansion owned by Paris’ sister Nicky. Due to the fact that Hollywood mansions are very cramped and curtains have yet to be introduced in the continental United States, they had no choice but to parade themselves in front of a window that looked out onto the waiting paparazzi. After around two hours in the home of US royalty, C-Ron was driven away.

Has he found a new love? Has he been given another reason to visit the VD clinic? Stay tuned on The Spoiler to find out!

The gal we all hate to love loses her WAG status because she was getting ‘too serious’

When Jermain Defoe’s uncontrollable libido pointed in the direction of renowned former-racist Danielle Lloyd, it looked like a match made in heaven: two people who can’t stay out of nightclubs and who love a good casual steamrolling sesh. However, Miss Lloyd became ‘too serious’ for Jermain, and found herself struck off the WAG list once again. In their tiny world of vague emotional attachments and misused sentiments, getting ‘too serious’ didn’t refer to talks of engagement or moving in together, but rather that Dani wanted one of those useless little dogs that Paris ‘waste of blood and organs’ Hilton carries about in her handbag.