It will have been a long week for John Terry - probably similar in length to the wait for Christmas when you’re a toddler, or for STD results if you’re the kind of teenager who just can’t be bothered with Rubber Jonathans when you’re getting your groove on. Time to wise up, kids.
Anyway, the good/bad news for Terry is that Fabio Capello has touched down in Blighty, so it’s only a matter of hours before he sits down his captain and mumbles in broken English something along the lines of: “so, JT, tell me all about this horrible sex you’ve been having.”
Man Utd teammates in “socialising like normal people” shocker
A Korean, a Frenchman and an Argentinean who refuses to speak any English are unlikely to become the best of friends, but that’s exactly what happened at Manchester Utd not so long ago.
In this rather bizarre clip, Patrice Evra turns up at Park Ji-Sung’s (surprisingly small-looking) house with a birthday cake. Soon after, Carlos Tevez comes in looking like he’s been rolling around in a puddle, and the birthday boy soon finds himself injured when some bright spark decides to fire a large ticker tape cannon in his face. Mazel tov!
If Tevez hadn’t defected to the blue side of manchester, perhaps he would have been a part of the TV comedy act that Evra is planning to form with his best mate ‘Ji’.
With the obvious exception of those who are destined to spurt hideous cliches on the pundit’s sofa, very few professional footballers consider the future beyond their relatively short careers. Patrice Evra, however, has got it all figured out. The Senegalese star could probably make a career from cooking or DJing, but he intends to move into the world of childcare:
“When I retire maybe I can babysit for all the other players.”
If Manchester Utd’s future stars don’t take to the idea of leaving their offspring in the care of the groundsman-punching left-back, he also has an alternative post-retirement plan. Apparently, he would like to do a TV comedy show with Park Ji-Sung. Perhaps a re-make of The Odd Couple is on the cards…
Now that Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t around to pollute his colleague’s ears with his dire taste in music, Patrice Evra has assumed the role of official Manchester Utd DJ.
The Frenchman spends hours preparing pre-match playlists on his iPod, and his choice of tunes will ring out through Turf Moor’s dilapidated away dressing room tonight. Says Evra:
“I enjoy the role very much. Before the match I sit down in my room and work out a playlist.
“I have to change it every time. You don’t know these guys - they’re like dogs!
“They’re hungry for new songs and get angry if it’s the same stuff as the last game.
“So I mix it up and make sure everybody’s happy. I put some English music, some Brazilian, some R ‘n B, some dance. Now it’s part of the ritual before games.
“Sometimes other people try to put their own music on - I don’t want to name names - but my team-mates say ‘Come on, respect the iPod of Evra’.”
We’d love to know which players have dared to cross Evra by playing their own music. Has Rooney tried to blast some Stereophonics? Maybe Federico Macheda requested some sexy disco music? Perhaps Dimitar Berbatov has tried to sneak on some Bulgarian power ballads?
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Nando and co to enter the world of competitive food preparation
In order to prove that their talents extend beyond controversial autobiographies, self defence and having haircuts like Brüno, some of Liverpool FC’s stars will this year hold a Masterchef-style cook off.
Jamie Carragher, Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres will hit the kitchens at Carragher’s Cafe Sports restauarant (”Where healthy eating is the name of the game“) and grumpy celebrity chef Marco Pierre White will preside over the final in October.
The Sun report with some of their trademark made-up quotes:
An Anfield insider said: “The lads have all been having a bit of banter.
“Stevie, Carra and Nando are good mates and they agreed to do it as a bit of a laugh.
“They’ve all been practising hard at home. Stevie keeps joking he’s going to whip up a pan of Scouse while Nando and Carra want to do something a little fancy.
“Nando fancies himself as the favourite, he is always cooking at home for his missus and reckons his Spanish dishes will win over Marco and the other diners.”
If any of the boys are in need of culinary tips, they should consult Patrice Evra, who put aside his hatred of groundsmen from South London to whip up a delightful lobster ravioli on Red Devils Kitchen earlier this year.
Ancelotti claims his first piece of English silverware
Chelsea 2/ Manchester Utd 2 (Chelsea win 4-1 on penalties)
With all the over-hyped and stupidly named pre-season tournaments this summer (yes, The Peace Cup, we’re looking at you) the Charity Community Shield has lost most of impact as a tantalising curtain raiser for English domestic football.
Despite the game’s utter insignificance, Alex Ferguson turned a Boris Yeltsin shade of red when Michael Ballack laid the smackdown on Patrice Evra, and wasn’t much happier when watching his side’s pathetic attempt at winning a penalty shootout.[Video: 101GG]
Which division would triumph in an MLS All-Stars style match?
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The Spoiler was surprised by the results of yesterday’s poll, where 76% of you disagreed with Cristiano Ronaldo’s claim that La Liga was stronger than the Premier League.
That poll took into account a number of factors: for example the difference between the best and worst teams, entertainment value and European success. Today, we want to focus on which is the better league in terms of galacticos.
Let us know which of the two teams we’ve created to represent each league is stronger - and if you disagree with our line-ups tell us who you would pick instead - with a vote and comment below:
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