Eleven men, all hated by one man

United players fall into two distinct camps: the ones Sir Alex will personally visit over Christmas for a cuddle - Giggs, Irwin, Solksjaer, Neville, Scholsie - and those he’ll spy on from a nearby tree, whispering profanities under his breath - Dwight Yorke, Becks, and now Cristiano Ronaldo. Ferguson does not tolerate certain characters, and as things stand, the gelled-up winger looks likely to be playing himself into this team of rebels, all of whom still send angry chills up Ferguson’s aging spine.

GK Jim Leighton
Leighton was riding the crest of a wave in his early Man United days, with even Brian Clough saying “Jim Leighton is a rare bird - a Scottish goalkeeper that can be relied on.” But then Sir Alex axed him from the 1990 FA Cup final replay against Palace, sending the keeper into a downward spiral, involving anger, shame, Les Sealey, and, eventually, Dundee.

DL Gabriel Heinze
The future was so bright for Heinze (pronounced “hent-zay” apparently) - United fans loved him, his hair was only second in footballing terms to Ginola’s. But then it all went hideously wrong. His body revolted, Ferguson embarked on a love affair with Patrice Evra, and Gabriel could no longer be guaranteed the satin starting shirt he so yearned for. He threw an almighty strop, and finally Ferguson bundled him in the direction of Real Madrid - simultaneously ignoring the clamour from Liverpool.

Ferguson looks into a rose tinted mirror

The sad decline of Gazza tells you all you need to know about life after football - it can be pretty traumatic. Now that the limelight has gone off him, and with nowhere to channel his demons, he appears to be in the grip of depression and - apparently - total mental breakdown. It could have been so different, or so says Sir Alex Ferguson.

The Man United boss famously tried to sign Gazza before he went off to Spurs, and has reportedly told the people of Sky Sports that it was his doomed trip to London that eventually frazzled his mind

The Spoiler presents the best of the angry, drunk and depressed

The main issue that footballers have is that once away from the pitch, what is there to do? God forbid they have to pick up a book and read! The lucky ones play golf and hang out with Gary Neville, while the rest of them stare blank-eyed into the depths of their tortured souls.

How about this team for a freaky dressing room!

GK Mark Bosnich
There was a time when the Australian looked set to become the greatest goalkeeper the world had ever seen, but then he set eyes of silly Sophie Anderton, and went about shoveling cocaine up his nose instead of training. He then became a little bit weird.

DL Ben Thatcher
A horrible man, Thatcher will be remembered mainly for his revolting use of his elbows - most notably on Pedro Mendes of Portsmouth, who took such a wallop that he had a seizure. Serious violence issues, he makes the line-up in front of Ashley Cole, who isn’t so much troubled as just a total bastard.

DC Tony Adams
Forget the straight-faced gentlemanly MOTD2 demeanor, there was a time when Adams would hurl back the beers and set off fire extinguishers in Pizza Hut - all because he was drunk, the idiot. Then there was the time he smashed a Ford Sierra into a wall, shortly before going to prison. Oops (hic!).

DC Paul McGrath
McGrath had the look of a man who would silently strangle people in alleyways, but as defenders go, he was brilliant. Problem was, he was so addicted to drink that he once thought it wise to wolf down some lighter fluid (apparently). Euch.