American + goalkeeper = dull

Fresh from the greatest night of his career, American penalty wall Brad Guzan, must have been in a buoyant mood when he turned on his computer . But what would he say - would we get a description of a jubilant Villa dressing room? A brief exposition of his penalty saving secrets perhaps? Or how it feels to be on the sports pages of every newspaper in the country?

What’s that Brad?

on to the next one…

Ah, ok.

A: None of them!

Tottenham Hotspur employ several people whose sole purpose is to score goals. They are called ’strikers’, and they were distinctly absent from the Carling Cup penalty shoot-out, an occasion when the skill of scoring goals is extremely useful.

According to talkSPORT’s breakfast show, the reason for Spurs’ unlikely penalty-taker line-up (and subsequent underwhelming performance) was a general reticence to step up to the spot. When Harry Redknapp asked “who wants to take a penalty?” not a single player raised his hand.

Luka Modric is the first player to speak out about his penalty-taking anxiety, which stems from his failure to convert against Turkey during Euro 2008:

“I need to get over the fear. I do not want taking penalties to become a continuous problem for me.”

Messrs bent and Pavlyuchenko, we await your excuses. [Actually Mr Pavlyuchenko, you had been substituted by that point so your excuse is valid - Ed.]

Fergie’s men scrape victory  in season curtain-raiser

Two reactions, one right, one wrong

It’s not rocket science, absolutely everyone knows that if you miss a penalty in a big game, you have to cry. Without tears, people won’t feel sorry for you, and your team mates will start fearing the worst. SWP might poke Joe Cole in the ribs, and whisper something about how you don’t look fussed enough. What an idiot, they will think, coming to our club, not giving a monkeys.

Cynics suggest that Drogba is capable of cheating on purpose 

Now, obviously The Spoiler has no fixed opinion on anything - being more of an open ear rather than a judgmental yammering gob - but the whisper in the undergrowth is that Drogba might have got himself sent of on purpose to avoid taking the dreaded fifth penalty. An interesting theory, and not completely out of the question.

The best sports on the telebox tonight

In light of English teams’ recent propensity to face shootouts in the UEFA Cup, Gary Megson would do well to put his (second choice) team through some last minute penalty drills. At present, you can get odds of 22/1 on either team going through on penalties, and after a deadlocked first leg, fans of lightning striking three times will want to pile on.

UEFA Cup Round of 32
Sporting Lisbon/ Bolton Wanderers (Five, 7.30pm)

Cricket - Second Test
New Zealand/ England (Sky Sports 1, 9pm)