Some more factually accurate news from the Spanish press

Last Tuesday, an anonymous Spanish sorcerer claimed that he had been hired to place a curse on Cristiano Ronaldo, which would cause him to suffer an injury. Sh*t got real the following day, when the Real Madrid superstar picked up an injury that made him miss the match with Seville, which turned out to be Los Blancos first loss of the season.

Keen to give this highly credible story more publicity, Sport today have extracted more details from the media-savvy professional sorcerer, who is said to be a 57-year-old based in Malaga named Pepe (presumably, he is no relation to C-Ron’s crazy teammate of the same name).

The witchcraft expert has revealed that he was hired by a woman who was “deceived” by the Portuguese man-o’-sex. Given his penchant for ladies of ill repute, this piece of information doesn’t exactly round things down, but Pepe also describes his client as “very famous, rich and not European”. Therefore, the Spanish press infer that the prime suspect is Paris Hilton, who has publicly admitted that Ronaldo was “too gay” for her.

Player asks for forgiveness while doing axe-murderer impression

It’s been six months since Real Madrid defender Pepe was sent off (with four red cards at once) and banned for 10 games, after using a player’s back as a dancefloor, punching another man in the face and then swearing at the fourth official in a match against Getafe.

Having served his time, the Portuguese centre back made a fist-and-expletive-free return to La Liga action over the weekend in a 3-0 victory over Tenerife. However, judging by this picture from his ‘comeback interview’ with Marca, maybe he should take another six months off. Just in case.

Defender devastated by his own vicious actions

Real Madrid’s crucial victory over Madrid rivals Getafe on Tuesday night was marred by Pepe, who decided to kick seven shades out of opposing captain Javier Casquero for no particular reason.

The assault shocked the world of football, but no one is more surprised by the unnecessary violence than the man himself. In an interview with Spanish paper Marca, the Portugal International said he had no intention of playing again:

“These are the worst days of my life. I do not have any desire to return to playing football.”I have seen the replays of the incident, but I do not recognise myself. I lost control and I went crazy, but that is not me.

“The worst punishment is going through what I’m experiencing now. If I see that there’s no chance of me returning to football again, then I will try something else.”

Marca suggest that the defender will receive a ban of six to twelve games for his actions, in addition to fines by the league and his club.

Some are suggesting that Pepe will not play for Madrid again, but we are not convinced - he has no history of this kind of violence, he seems to genuinely repent his hotheadedness, and above all, he is a world class defender whom Los Blancos could not do without.

Portuguese/ Brazilian defender loses his rag in Madrid derby

It seems that Anfield wasn’t the only venue to host an incredibly exciting game last night - Real Madrid continued their pursuit of Barcelona in La Liga, with a win at the Bernabeu that ended in controversial circumstances.

With the score at 2-2 in the 87th minute, Getafe captain Javier Casquero was brought down in the box by Pepe. Confusing the felled player with a ball, the Portugal defender proceeded to kick the crap out of him.

Unsurprisingly, Pepe was sent off, but Getafe squandered their chance to steal a famous victory over their Madrid rivals, by delivering a penalty that was even worse than Berbatov’s effort at the weekend. To make matters worse, Madrid’s Marcelo put in a 92nd minute winner at the other end.

Spanish paper Marca claim that Pepe spat out a potty-mouth tirade at the fourth official as he left the pitch, and the punishment he will receive for this assault will probably rule him out for the rest of the campaign.

If this happened anywhere except a football pitch, Casquero wouldn’t think twice about pressing charges.

Yet more evidence that C-Ron will leave in the summer

We’re quite aware of how much Cristiano Ronaldo’s mum Dolores wants him to play for Real Madrid (there she is holding a picture of her little boy wearing the pretty white strip), and we’re equally aware of how much Pepe wants the winger to come and join him in Spain.

Now, it seems that Mrs R and the Portuguese defender have been in cahoots - the ex-Porto star revealed as much in an interview with Deutsche Presse-Agentur:

“Cristiano Ronaldo’s mother has a dream: seeing her son play for Real Madrid. And everybody knows that mothers carry great weight.

“Both his mother and all his family as well as himself have made it clear that their dream is to play for Real Madrid. It is a dream that his mother has and a dream that he has too. Now we will see what happens.”

After plying on the parental guilt, Pepe went on to explain why he thinks Ronaldo is a much better player than Leo Messi. “He heads the ball well, he is stronger and he scores goals,” reasoned the player who is desperate to be reunited with his international captain.

It is just us, or is there a slight mancrush going on here?

Invaded nation witnesses superb long range effort

The best goal of the European Championships thus far is undoubtedly Pepe’s opener against Turkey on Saturday, but elsewhere in the world an even more impressive strike hit the onion bag. The video above is from a World Cup qualifier between Australia and Iraq, where the latter’s Emad Mohammed banged one in from 35 yards.

Impressive stuff, particularly as the Aussies were one of the first nations to send troops to the conflictuous nation and they only pulled out last week.

[The Beautiful Game]