Who’s the beanpole and what’s he doing?

Whilst his pal Scott Carson was unleashing the contents of his bladder all over Liverpool’s expensive training ground, where was Peter Crouch? At football practice with the rest of his current team? Or walking around a London car park whispering into his phone and gnawing his fingers like they were tree trunks and he were a beaver?

That’s right, the London one.

All of today’s transfer gossip, rumours and damn lies

Before Euro 2008, Manchester City and Everton were leading the chase for the fashion student/amazing footballer. Unfortunately he revealed himself to be world class and now looks like making a dream move to Barcelona, who have made a formal approach. His agent claims there have already been five offers for his signature, and the price being bandied around is currently £10m.

The Ronaldo saga latest
He may be acting like a spoilt brat, but Ronaldo is a man of principle. Accordingly, he has kindly agreed to pay Manchester Utd the courtesy of showing up for pre-season training in exchange for his £120,000-a-week wages.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Come on papers, try harder than this to find a story

Peter Crouch to Arsenal
The Daily Mirror have been doing their homework and decided that Arsene Wenger, famous for his cautiousness with money, will match the eight-figure valuation for a benchwarmer at a club they finished above.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Unconvinced

Or…Crouch and Yossi Benayoun to Tottenham
Slightly more convincing than the Arsenal story,

The latest transfer news fresh from the rumour vine

Arsene Wenger recently rocked the footballing world by sending a fax to Milan, warning them to stop sniffing around Emmanuel Adebayor. The threat in itself wasn’t the shock, but rather his method of communication - Internazionale’s fax machine had probably been lying dormant since 1989 when the Frenchman’s choice words came through. If he runs out of fax paper, which surely can’t be bought in the 21st century, he’ll probably end up sending a telegram or a small messenger boy in a toga to Barcelona…

Emmanuel Adebayor to Barcelona
Arsene Wenger had just finished mopping his brow at the news Milan would accept Arsenal’s decision not to sell Adebayor when Barcelona rode in to declare the striker their number one target.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: A possibility considering Eto’o is leaving

Dani Guiza to Arsenal
But don’t fear Arsenal fans, what better way to recover from the loss of the Premier League’s joint-second goalscorer than by replacing him with La Liga’s number one?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Maybe, Champions League clubs are bound to chase

Claude Makelele, Lillian Thuram, Robert Pires and Ludovic Giuly to Paris Saint Germain
Some bright spark at PSG has decided it would be a stroke of genius to bring together a group of French veterans who would surely take the league by storm and guarantee instant success.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: It seems not everyone in France watched Euro 2008

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
Harry Redknapp has told

Also appearing on a computer near you…

David Beckham interview by Jimmy Kimmel, as seen on The Offside Rules

Eight reasons Spain and Greece will draw
[chickendinner]

Video: News anchor reads the teleprompter Ron Burgundy-style
[Machochip]

Game: Be a star in Top Gear’s reasonably priced car
[Grid Crasher]

Bullfighter gets painful just desserts
[WithLeather]

Rate the Euro 2008 refs
[RatetheRef via The Offside]

Why Liverpool should keep Peter Crouch
[Caught Offside]

Today’s transfer rumours, brimming with metrosexuality

If the picture above is to be believed, Princess Frank has already packed his favourite makeup travel case ahead of a big new move to Milan. They’ll really dig his all-pink beachwear in the fashion capital, but will he go running to the open arms of The Special One or stick around to let Big Phil beat him like a red haired stepchild?

Frank Lampard to Inter
Internazionale confirmed Lampard as their number one transfer target yesterday, and now Mourinho and Scolari are both dangling club badges in front of his face, forcing him to choose which one to kiss.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We think he may love Mourinho a little more than Chelsea

Ronaldinho to Chelsea
Even though he’s still contracted to Barcelona, Deco has taken it upon himself to become Chelsea’s travel agent, by advising Ronaldinho to steer clear of smelly Manchester and move to petal-scented West London.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Can see it happening

Ivan Klasnic to Wigan
After scoring the winner for Croatia last night, Klasnic has decided it may be time to plunge for the glitz, glamour and endless excitement of Premier League football by signing for…Wigan.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Bigger clubs may come calling

David Bentley to Aston Villa
Bentley wants to leave Blackburn to get a shot at a club playing in the Champions League but he said he’d settle for UEFA Cup football. Surely he doesn’t want to play in the Intertoto with Villa though?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: It’s Chelsea, The Spoiler told you that ages ago

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
It’s emerged that Harry Redknapp’s

‘Marcus’ embraces the blogging spirit, and then some

Aside from a nice cold beer on a hot Christmas morning, nothing makes The Spoiler staff happier than a well thought-out constructive comment on a story. So imagine our delight when we saw this lengthy effort from Villa fan Marcus, expressing his utter dismay over the current Gareth Barry transfer saga. We may or may not agree with you, but you are a credit to the blogosphere, chap:

Dear Gareth & your agent,

Before you confuse your career needs with your emotional and irrational desire to play with your mate Stevie in the odd Champions League game, you might like to consider this.

Hicks and Gillett hate each other. The club has their debt incurred acquiring the club. They have already refinanced and the club pays interest of £30m a year. Accounts of Kop Holdings Ltd (set up to run the club) show a loss of £32.3m in the last year, despite reaching the Champions League final. The duo had to draw £1.5m to cover their ‘personal expenses’, hardly something rich men need to do. The duo have still not obtained finance for the new stadium. If they have not got it now, they will not get it. They have no capital worth talking about, the world is already suffering the ‘credit crunch’ and is about to go into recession.

Villa is totally stable and improving.

If the Reds have to sell to buy, they will have to do it again next season. Does any other Champions League club have to do that? Eventually they will run out of players. Are Man U, Chelsea or Arsenal interested in Milner? How long before

AC/PC’s privacy invaded yet again. Oh well.

Last week we saw young Ms Clancy parading around a Caribbean beach in a tiny bikini (available from H&M for £18, according to the laydeez at Kickette), but now she’s decided to cast it aside and wave goodbye to tan lines. A wise decision, I think you’ll agree.

See the fun version of the picture above and plenty more here and here

Large footballer tags along too

There are few places in the world where one can go to completely forget about the heartache of not qualifying for the Euros, but the Caribbean island of St Bart’s is a good start.

Kicking off the footballer holiday season in style are Liverpool beanpole Peter Crouch (above right, staring) and his lovely lady Abbey Clancy (above left, slow-motion Baywatch running).

See a gazillion more privacy invading snaps of AC/PC after the jump. Warning: may include mild frolicking.

All of today’s rumours, translated from Portuguese

Well done Chelsea - after striking the fear of God into everyone for ages, the mask appears to have slipped. Roman didn’t get his wish of a winning final in Russia, all the best managers are giving them a wide berth, and what are the chances of Lampsie, the Drog-man, and even snarling Mikey Essien heading out east to lick pasta sauce from Mourinho’s chin next season? Pretty high, many would argue. And, it doesn’t end there…

Ashley Cole to Inter Milan
Mourinho had quite some effect on the Chelsea players, a bit like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society - you know, where the young boys find rebellion through poetry? Heart wrenching film, that one. Williams doesn’t crack a single gag. Anyway, in a similar vein, Ashley Cole might move towards Mourinho, if people waft enough money stink his way.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Time to alienate Italy, Ashley?

Today’s rumours written down for you to read

For fans of Britain’s Got Talent, The Spoiler is backing either the kid who keeps moaning that people want to hit him because he sings like Aled Jones, or the long faced street urchin who bodypops. Not - make this clear - the Cheeky Monkeys, who might look like wonderful little toddlers but are, in fact, total cretins. Vote them OUT! And, in other big news, today’s transfers are another hot potato…

Michael Johnson to Everton
Why play sexy football with Arsenal or Liverpool when you could play thump-and-smash with Everton? That’s probably exactly what David Moyes said to young Michael, who joins the rest of the Man City squad of headless chickens in frantically running away from gun-waving maniac Thaksin Shinawatra.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Sorry Everton, but the new Steven Gerrard looks destined for one of the Big Four.

Richard Dunne to Tottenham
Ramos’ plan to buy every single defender in the world is starting to take shape. Only hundreds more to go, Juande.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Would be guaranteed a starting place, as King and Woodgate take it in turns to rest their weeping heads on matron’s womanly bosom.