Is this the best team in the Premier League?

Make no mistake, friends, the ‘Big Four’ are so-called because they’re brilliant. So brilliant that were you to merge them all together to create a “best of” team, some huge names would fall by the wayside. We are, of course, referring to the likes of Craig Lindfield, Andriy Voronin, Justin Hoyte, Darren Fletcher, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Just some of the football legends who didn’t make the cut.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
No longer the best in the world, not even the best in Premier League - Friedel, James and Given are better. But he is the strongest in the top four, despite a horrendous Euro 2008. Should his terrible run of luck with facial injuries continue, he should end the season playing in a humiliating gimp mask.

DL Patrice Evra (Man United)
After an appalling debut (losing 3-1 to Man City, coming off at half time), Evra suddenly morphed into a fantastic player. Some might argue that Cole or Clichy are more deserving of the spot, but they’re wrong. Cole would bring the whole dressing room down with his awful personality, and Clichy is behind Evra in the France pecking order.

DC Rio Ferdinand (Man United)
It’s easy to forget that underneath the silly record labels, the totally pointless “merking” and the strange skew-whiff mouth, Rio Ferdinand is just a man, standing in front of you, asking you to tell him he’s brilliant at football. Don’t worry, Rio, you are. In fact, you’re our cap-i-tan.

They’re a disgrace, a big revolting disgrace…

Okay, we’ve drooled enough over the Arshavins and the David Villas, now it’s time to load up the claws and get stuck into some massive Euro 2008 flops. These men should think about getting a new day job - especially you, Ronaldo, or whatever your name is! What’s that? It is Ronaldo? Yeah, well…. shut up!

GK Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
His mistakes were costly, the hat looks stupid, and he’s getting more and more grumpy - starting to resemble the world’s most sullen gimp.

DL Paulo Ferreira (Portugal)
Lack of match practice and being played out of position made Ferreira appalling against the Germans. Needs to locate his footballing ability.

DC Lilian Thuram (France)
In fairness, he should never have been there. Too old for the modern speedsters with their shiny trainers and spikey hairstyles. Someone needs to tell him to stop.

Euro 2008 quarter-final, 7.45pm, BBC1, bet here

Having successfully avoided a quarter-final clash with Germany, the most successful side in Euro history, the Turks now face in-form Croatia. Unfortunately, this looks to be the end of the road for the Eurasians, as the Croats, powered by Slaven Bilic’s powerful rocket sauce, will make the semis. Oh well, at least they got to make Petr Cech look like a clown before bowing out.
Why Croatia will win

* Croatia have never lost to Turkey.

* Turkey have faced Croatia once before at the European Championships, in 1996, and Croatia triumphed 1-0.

* Croatia have won all three games so far at the European Championships.

* Turkey have never led a match with Croatia, on the two times they drew they have come from behind.

* Turkey may have excelled against Switzerland and Czech Republic but they have won just four of their last eight.

* Croatia have lost just one of their 17 competitive games since losing to Brazil at the World Cup - a 2-0 loss in Macedonia after they’d already secured Euro 2008 qualification.

But it might go to penalties…

* Two of the three previous Croatia/Turkey clashes have

Is there a higher force at work?

Hoddle was right, some people are cursed. Perhaps not in the same repulsively narrow minded and disturbing fashion he attempted to smudge on the nation’s brains, but somewhere in the same spooky ballpark. After all, look at Petr Cech - he obviously spent a former life making scathing remarks to a princess, or waging war on harmless little butterflies. Because, as things stand, his life just got rubbish.

Czechs crash out due to keeper’s temporary rubbishness

Thoroughly dependable shot stopper Petr Cech momentarily experienced a condition known as ‘Paul Robinson-itis’ last night, as he gifted Turkey a victory and a place in the quarter-finals.

The Chelsea keeper was man enough to take full blame for the defeat, and Chelsea Pies are even suggesting the blunder was a good thing, as scouts from the likes of Inter Milan will have been scared off.

Cech’s mistake wasn’t the only example of ‘interesting’ goalkeeping this weekend - did anyone notice Edwin van der Saar’s volleyball-style wrist punch thing he did on Friday night?

Portugal move on, Switzerland first to be evicted

“What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?” The words of Futurama ship captain Zapp Brannigan will be no doubt be echoing in the minds of Switzerland’s inoffensive natives, who were booted out of their own tournament by a late Turan strike last night.

Elsewhere, Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari led his adopted home nation to the knockout stages with a solid victory ove Petr Cech’s Czechs.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Enjoy today’s links with a healthy dose of brand new Weezer

The 50 hottest female athletes of all time
[Sports Crunch]

The Czechs turn a ferris wheel into a 150ft Petr Cech
[Chelsea Pies]

Canadian GP Preview
[Grid Crasher]

All you need to know about the Gay Rugby World Cup
[chickendinner Bet Blog]

Eleven players who won’t be at Euro 2008 who probably should be
[Yahoo]

Europeans would rather watch Euro 2008 than have sex. That’ll be non-English Europeans
[Machochip]

Like children, footballers can be so cruel 

As absolutely everyone knows, before the biggest match of the season, the battle begins in the press. We like to call it The Battle of the Brains. Already Chelsea and Man United have been trading blows like furious tots in a street fight.

Rooney on Drogba:
Sometimes it seems as if his head is not there, but when he is playing at his best he is an unbelievable player.

Vidic on Drogba:
Sometimes he goes in very strong, and sometimes he pretends he is very weak. He plays with your mind and tries to make you think about the next tackle. He can pretend he fell down to win a penalty, but referees know that. The Champions League final is a big game and I’m sure the ref will know his job.

Oh my God, is that what you think it is?

Religious maniacs are always quick to jump up and down screaming that they’ve just seen Christ’s face in a piece of toast, or in the ice cream bit of their coke float. The same people, however, are less keen to admit that they’ve just seen the Devil in Petr Cech’s skull (pictured).

And yet, if you look closely at the area walloped by Stephen Hunt’s clumsy size nines, he has quite obviously been branded with a dark symbol. A symbol we haven’t seen for some time…

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…