The worst players currently plying their trade in the top flight

A survey of the worst Premier League players of all time as conducted by Top-Up TV arrived at Spoiler Towers this morning, and their ‘Relegation Utd’ looked a little something like this:

Massimo Taibi; Titus Bramble; Jean-Alain Boumsong; Abel Xavier; and Darren Peacock; Eric Djemba Djemba; Luke Chadwick; Carlton Palmer; Lee Dong Gook; Thomas Brolin; Diego Forlan; and manager Sammy Lee.

After wondering how the Top-Up TV team that didn’t include the man who Alan Mullery declared as the worst player ever to grace the top flight, Carl Leaburn, we decided that there are eleven men currently earning their keep in the Prem who would lose to this motley lot…

Paul Robinson, Blackburn
Proved that he didn’t leave his catalogue of errors at White Hart Lane when Mikel Arteta’s free-kick from a ridiculous angle caught him out on the opening day of the season.

Jlloyd Samuel, Bolton
Graduated from the same “I-may-have-a-great-name-but-I’m-not-a-great-footballer” club as Eric Djemba-Djemba and Quincy Owusu-Abeyie.

Titus Bramble, Wigan
Alright, so there was one player on their

These men would DIE for you

With the transfer window now wide open, money men with be lapdancing pathetically throughout the summer, hoping to attract some big name players. Don’t bother with this little lot, you successful football whores.

GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers)
He might have been plying his trade in Blighty for over ten years, but Friedel still has that “U.S.A!” grit about him - a stateside quality most profoundly portrayed by Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory in 1981. He’s been at Blackburn since 2000, and against stiff competition from the likes of David James and Petr Cech, he still comes out on top. Just.

DL Phil Neville (Everton)
There’s something about Phil Neville that suggests he spends teatime shovelling food into his mouth at an ungodly speed, before slamming his cutlery down, punching the are and shouting “I win”. It’s a worry.

Them waters are cursed, dammit

If celebrity pool parties feature highly in your social calendar, you should place Gary Neville’s name right under Barrymore’s on the ‘do not attend’ list.

Perhaps taking inspiration from the workmen who buried a Red Sox jersey under the new Yankees stadium recently, cheeky Scouse builders claim to have built a shrine to Liverpool right under the swimming pool in Gary Neville’s new home near Bolton. Bad karma-inducing labourer Brian Greer, who obviously isn’t looking to work with the Nevilles again, said:

“We went to Neville-Neville Land to tile his swimming pool.

“While we were there we created a Scouse time capsule under the pool and tiled over the top of it. When his house is dug up in the future, archaeologists will see what a passion he had for the Red men.”

The crack team of Photoshoppers at The Sun have been working day and night to produce an image