Blatter is warming the balls as we speak

Republic of Ireland vs France

Portugal vs Bosnia

Greece vs Ukraine

Russia vs Slovenia

Thespoiler is nothing if not topical. Hence we’re bringing you live coverage of the play-off draw for the European Qualifiers. Matches will be played on the 14th and 18th of November - countries listed first are at home

Let us know your thoughts straight away below..

Goals you might not have seen yet

Japan absolutely malleted Togo last night, beating the 2006 World Cup finalists 5-0. Their second of the match was scored by Shinji Okazaka, one of the rising stars of Japanese football, with a cute back-heel.

Nani set Portugal on their way against Malta, with a sharp turn and volley that calmed the nerves of the home side.

Media fail to make Portuguese man-o’-sex feel welcome in Madrid

Never ones to wildly speculate or make stuff up based on thoroughly insufficient evidence, the vultures of the Spanish press seem to be circling around Cristiano Ronaldo of late.

A few weeks ago, Madrid-based daily paper Marca ran a story on their front cover claiming the Portuguese was struggling to fit into the side, and that he was therefore suffering from ‘Zidane Syndrome’. This assessment was made before La Liga 2009/10 had even started, and was thoroughly devoid of quotes or proof.

This morning, they have reintroduced their anxiety theory with the help of Jorge Valdano, the Madrid sporting director who seems to be piping up a lot more of late. He is quoted as saying:

“In the first league game I liked Cristiano.

Look out ladies! The Special One is to become a swinging bachelor

According to reports in Portuguese daily newspaper Correio da Manhã, Jose Mourinho is to divorce his wife Matilde (also known Tami for some reason) after twenty years of marriage.

Rumours of tension between the pair have been growing over the past few weeks as Matilde has rarely been pictured with the Internazionale manager - he has been spotted shopping alone in Milan, and was unsupported by his spouse when he was made a awarded an honorary doctorate by Lisbon’s Technical University.

The Special One was accused of some sexy extra-marital adventures during his time at Chelsea, and the Portuguese press says the final straw was a recent tryst with an Italian woman.

Matilde - who began the divorce proceedings by contacting lawyers - is currently on holiday in Bora Bora with their two children (the unimaginatively-named Matilde and José Jr). It is thought Jose is not with them.

Yet another former lover of Real Madrid’s latest acquisition

After more than a year of tiring speculation, Cristiano Ronaldo has finally secured his escape route to Madrid. In honour his much-touted departure, we pay tribute to one of the lucky ladies who played a part in C-Ron’s highly prolific Summer of Steamrollering 2008^TM.

In addition to Nereida Gallardo, Niki Ghazian and Letizia Filippi, the Portuguese star took his mind off of his incredibly charmed life by boffing Colombian model Mirella Grisales.

Manchester Utd star declared surprise pageant winner

While our attention was focused on Kazakhstan over the weekend, our Portuguese hombres tripled the GDP of Albania by paying them a visit.

Upon first glance, one may suspect travelling fans are highlighting the flaming heterosexuality of their biggest star 2010 Miss World banners, but they are actually a part of a super funny joke at their own expense.

The Portuguese are literally shitting squirrels with anxiety at the moment, as they currently need to make up four points on Hungary to even stand a chance of qualifying from Group One. Hence, they are drawing attention to the face that the FIFA World Player of the Year is on schedule to ‘Miss’ World Cup 2010.

[Dirty Tackle]

Portuguese star tells us all about his favourite bank

“Where am I going to be in three years?” asks Cristiano Ronaldo in this advert for Banco Espritio Santo., who are evidently the lucky institution the tricky winger has selected to deposit his mountains of cash.

Although the World Player of the Year makes it clear his long term future does not lie in Manchester (”Maybe I will be in a warm place, maybe I will be in a cold place. maybe I will be here, or there.”), we do get a glimpse of his world famous modesty: “I looked like an actor, didn’t I?” he quips at the end of the clip.

[ONTD]

C-Ron’s latest conquest speaks of his lazy bedroom technique

Remember Gabriela Endringer? She’s the Portuguese gym instructor whose athletic body “fascinated” Cristiano Ronaldo. To the delight of her father, the tricky winger recently called time on their relationship, but to her father’s dismay, she has celebrated the end of the relationship with an FHM photoshoot and tell-all interview.

Of his world famous steamrollering technique, Gabriela says:

“Ronaldo lets himself be dominated in bed. He’s very affectionate in bed. He’s not aggressive at all. He lets things flow.”