This one does exactly what it says on the tin

Chelsea manager drops pretend bombshell in press conference

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During his most recent press conference, Carlo Ancelotti claimed that Chelsea had brought Andrea Pirlo over from AC Milan, only to cheekily retract his statement.

Either he is football’s greatest prankster since Franck Ribery, or the nuns who taught him English were playing a Monty Python-style trick on him…

The truth has been uncovered by talkSPORT’s translator

Former Newcastle hitman joins a list of United legends

Those who expected Michael Owen’s new Manchester Utd squad number to be in the high double digits were given a shock yesterday, as the Fit & Healthy Charismatic striker was rewarded with the highly coveted No7 squad number.

Yes, despite admitting that he “didn’t exactly set the world alight in the last year or so” in his first official Utd press conference, Owen will now sit beside George Best, Bryan Robson, Eric Cantona, David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo on the list of owners of the iconic shirt.

In many ways, the decision is a good one: it will give the 29-year-old striker a much-needed confidence boost, and a bloody good reason to keep himself off of the injury table. However, Alex Ferguson’s declaration of faith in the former England star is a double-edged sword, as it will almost certainly put a great deal of pressure on his shoulders. Some might even have the audacity to argue that a man who has scored once every 214 minutes in the past two seasons is not a strong candidate for such a hallowed garment.

So kids, is Owen worthy of the No7 shirt? Perhaps a winger like Nani or Valencia would be more suited to it? Maybe arguing the toss about squad numbers is futile as it has absolutely no bearing on performance? Let us know your thoughts below…

Nearly 80,000 fans turn up to greet world’s most expensive player

If you thought the media fanfare surrounding Kaka’s unveiling was excessive, it was nothing compared to the spectacle that saw Cristiano Ronaldo welcomed to Real Madrid.

Just under 80,000 fans piled into the Bernabeu for a glimpse of their latest box office signing, and some could barely contain their excitement: plenty of the balding, middle-aged security staff were called into action as hysterical fans raced onto the pitch to try and touch the tricky winger.

Rather than attempt to wrestle the hallowed number seven shirt away from Raul, Ronaldo has been given the number nine squad number. Fortunately, he trademarked the CR9 moniker back in January.

After receiving an introduction from Florentino Perez, C-Ron led the crowd with a shout of ‘Hala Madrid’, before doing some keep-ups like a performing monkey. Unfortunately, his abilities temporarily escaped him, and he lost control of the ball.

Check out footage from Cristiano’s first press conference after the jump. Our personal highlight: when asked who the best player in the world is, Kaka, Messi or himself, Ronaldo replies, “Madrid.”

Los Blancos show the world one of their new employees

Last night, Real Madrid held a press conference to unveil their second biggest summer signing, some chap called Kaka. Around 50,000 ‘madridistas’ piled into the Bernabéu for a glimpse of their new hero dressed in white, which is more than the average attendances of all but two Premier League clubs last season.

Kaka was tipped to take on the number 5 shirt, making him the third consecutive world player of the year to wear it (after Fabio Cannavaro and Zinedine Zidane). However, it was revealed that he will wear number 8, and Fernando ‘Lady’ Gago will inherit the hallowed number 5, as it is said to be a “very special number” for the Argentinean.

The Brazilian made a very brief speech to the fawning crowd:

“Today it is a very special day for me, I am very happy that this new stage of my career is in Real Madrid. My desire is to have my name in the history of this club, with victories and conquests.”

One man who is hoping for conquests of a very different kind is Cristiano Ronaldo (seamless link, eh?). He was supposed to be unveiled yesterday too, but his press conference has been put back until Monday, presumably so they can build a stage big enough for his ego. This morning, Madrid paid Manchester £80m in full for The Portuguese winger’s services.

Spoiler bonus: Check out video of Kaka’s big day after the jump…

Brazilian seals €67.2m deal for the sake of beloved Italian side

Kaka’s world record breaking transfer was made official overnight, as the former World Player of the Year gave a press conference in Recife, Brazil.

The one who belongs to Jesus explained that the move was not motivated by a desire to progress his career, or to earn a shitload of cash, but because he loves AC Milan so damn much. That’s right, he left the Rossoneri so that they could afford to buy players who are not as good as him:

“My desire was to stay at Milan, but the world financial crisis has affected a lot of clubs, especially Milan.

“As such, I spoke with the Milan board and we concluded that the best thing for everyone would be to sell me.”

New owners Real Madrid must be delighted by the pro-AC attitude of their €67.2m signing, who gives the impression that he is a damsel being torn away from his former lover by a rich-but-mean-spirited villain.

Kaka is expected to take the number five shirt, making him the third consecutive FIFA World Player of the Year

Toon legend fields press questions for the first time

This afternoon, Alan Shearer sat through his first press conference as Newcastle Utd manager. He looked confident, and even sharing a few jokes at the start. The new Messiah revealed the following:

• Bad news for fans of quality analysis - Shearer will be coming back to MOTD. The BBC has given him an “eight week sabbatical,” and Joe Kinnear will return in the summer.

• He was first asked about taking the position on Saturday.

• Shearer believes there is quality in the team, but they’re not playing with much confidence.

• “I haven’t taken his job for me. It’s about keeping this club in the Premier League.”

• On his huge £100k-a-game fee and £1m staying up bonus: “The bonus for me is keeping the club up. That’s the bonus for me.”

• When asked if it will be easy to walk away after eight games if it goes really well. “No, I don’t think it will be hard to walk away. I’m here for eight games only.”
• On Iain Dowie: “If he thinks I’m doing the wrong thing he’ll tell me.” Shearer also described him as “not pretty”.
• “I’ll try to tap in to all the experience I can. I’m gonna need it.“