Deliberately attempting to get sacked isn’t as easy as it sounds. It’s a gradual process, which begins with a few late starts in a row, then slowly escalates through two hour lunches, flat refusal to attend meetings, then openly drinking pints at your desk. Even then, it might just be a written warning.
That’s when the violence starts.
One man really putting his back into his own “Project: Get Sacked” is Albert Riera at Liverpool. Just yesterday, it was reported that he’d been openly bitching about Rafa Benitez during an interview, and now it seems that he’s gone to Phase 2 - going berserk in training.
Back in the good old days, all you had to do to ensure a swift exit from a top club was to trash your boss in an interview, then slowly stroll to the nearest airport, and buy a one-way ticket to Turkey. Not any more. Babel tried it, Nani had a go, but these modern managers - with their iPods and their internets - have softened up somewhat.
Still, that hasn’t stopped Albert Riera from having a decent crack at calling time of his rather flaccid Liverpool career. As reported on the popular Spanish sites, Marca and AS, and today’s Daily Mail, he said this:
Nothing sobers a man up quite like landing a dream job with a whopping pay rise, only to turn up in the new office to find that you can’t log in to your computer, at least three of your lesser colleagues appear to have your assignments in their in-tray, and, even after a few long months, your sexy “Rachel” haircut doesn’t appear to be catching on.
At this rate, it’s demotion for sure. Or, even worse, you might get reassigned to the Bolton offices.
All of which leads terrifyingly seamlessly to Alberto Aquilani, who is at risk of joining the likes of Veron, Babel, Brolin, Rebrov, Mutu, Jeffers, Shevchenko, and Keane on the growing list of whatever the opposite of Employee of the Month might be. Massive Let-Down of the Month? Flop of the Year? Scrapheap Challenge?
Those who saw Masterchef last night will now know never to poach a steak in red wine - it loses flavour, you idiots! - and, for Christ’s sake, if you’re going to give Gregg a brownie, put some bloody sugar in it. He loves a pud, that Gregg Wallace. Absolutely loves a pud. Meanwhile, over in dreamy Romania, Liverpool cooked up a relatively tasty performance.
“Stomach’s pretty flat… where can I get me one of those?”
For everything that is crippling and debilitating about stress, it can do wonders for your appetite, and nothing sweeps away the cobwebs of a bad day quite like thrusting your face into a big chocolate cake, and shout-eating (the practice of eating whilst shouting) until the inner pain disappears.
Seriously, try it out. You’ll never look back.
One man who may yet prove to be practiced in the art of shout-eating is Rafa Benitez, who - according to the Romanian press - has become rather bulbous over the years.
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