Oooh, look who’s back…

Fingers crossed, after 74 days languishing in a depressing prison cell, Joey Barton might stop and think before he decides to slam his bloodied fists into innocent people’s faces again. Today, he can breathe his first taste of fear-free air, having surely spent the last two months dodging hooligans, and teaching himself philosophy.

In the spirit of forgiveness, The Spoiler has compiled a list of things that Barton won’t know about because he was too busy eating stodgy mashed potato, walking in circles, and doing whatever else it is that people do in prison…

1. Big Brother 9 started, and Dale - who’s from Liverpool too - thought it totally fine to tell the whole nation that he was going to “nail” some “fanny” if at all possible.

2. Nadal won Wimbledon. Seriously.

3. Wayne Rooney put his frantic bachelor days behind him, and finally made an honest man of Coleen.

4. Summer came and went.

5. Nereida Gallardo, who was probably all the talk in chokey, got them out.

6. No one missed you.

7. Except Kevin Keegan.

8. But he’s an idiot.

Tennis star gets to the bottom of the C-Ron transfer saga

Rafael Nadal is being treated as a hero in his native Spain - not only was he mobbed upon his return to his hometown of Manacor (see above), but the president of his favourite football team has deemed him a worthy confidant for transfer information. By some bizarre twist of fate, Calderon’s comments were overheard and managed to make the papers this morning:

Nadal met Calderon in the grounds of the All England Club on Sunday night and a Spanish-speaking onlooker heard him ask: “OK, President, where’s this Cristiano Ronaldo we’re supposed to be signing?”

The Real chief replied: “Relax, Rafa, everything’s under control and we’ve got him done and dusted.”

How convenient that someone managed to overhear this thoroughly fictitious-sounding conversation. It’s almost as if the Real Madrid boss wanted his comments to be publicised…

Big Rog takes on Dominik Hrbaty from 1pm BST today, bet here

It has been a tough old year for Roger. Apparently Grand Slams don’t come quite so easily anymore and maybe, just maybe, he’s about to surrender his Wimbledon crown. Rafael Nadal tops the list of the young pretenders ready to step into Federer’s flashy gold shoes and cream blazer, and the young Spaniard can’t possibly lose a third successive Wimbledon final. Here’s why…

Why Federer won’t make it six in a row

* Federer is having a disappointing year by his standards, losing in the semi final in Australia and enduring a crushing straight sets defeat in the final at Roland Garros.

* Rafael Nadal will head to Wimbledon in fine form, having won his fourth successive title at Roland Garros prior to his first victory at Queen’s club.

* The Spaniard convincingly beat Federer in the French Open, sealing a 6-1, 6-3, 6-0 victory in just one hour and forty eight minutes.

* Nadal’s victory over Federer at the French was the most one sided men’s Grand Slam final since Jimmy Connors

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Today’s links are brought to you in association with slapstick duo Rafael Nadal and (LA Lakers star) Pau Gasol
[WithLeather]

Nine reasons Romania and Italy will end goalless
[chickendinner]

Proof that Ronaldinho is coming to Chelsea?
[Chelsea Pies]

Eighties legend/ overweight has-been Corey Haim spills the beans on his relationship with Victoria Beckham
[Kickette]

Video: Lewis Hamilton on Blue Peter, aged 12 and 16
[Grid Crasher]

Man wants to exchange his wife for LA/ Lakers/ Boston Celtics tickets
[Machochip]

How the hell is this possible? It’s Spring in Miami and the sun isn’t shining…