Arab owner happy to pay any amount for 32-year-old striker

According to Spanish rag Marca, one of the gazillion forwards on Dr Sulaiman Al-Fahim’s wishlist was Ruud van Nistelrooy. Before closing the Brazilian man-o’-sex deal, City representatives asked how much the Dutchman would cost, but were told by Los Blancos that he was definitely not for sale. The Manchester club, evidently drunk on their newfound wealth, responded by offering a cheque on which Ramon Calderon and co could put an amount they considered appropriate. Madrid still said no, but the temptation to charge £100bn must have been mighty tempting…

Ronaldo may have to face up to his big scary boss after all

In contrast with his normal propensity to stir the Cristiano Ronaldo transfer broth, Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon has insisted brand new £11.8m midfielder Rafael van der Vaart represents the club’s only venture into the transfer market this summer:

“We are certain that he will be a player who will help us complement the already very strong squad we have.

“He is the first and almost certainly the last signing we will make this season.“

With this news, it looks as though the prostitutes of Spain will have to wait for at least another year before they get their huge Ronaldo-based windfall…

[Reuters via The Offside]

Spoiler bonus: Those lucky blighters in Spain are now in the enviable position of sharing a country with Rafael’s wife Sylvie van der Vaart

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As Ramon Calderon tells us Ronaldo is still waiting at a crossroads in his career, enjoy this incredible bluesy jam courtesy of Ginger, Jack and Eric.

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Tomorrow’s headlines today…

Sick of sticking to the same old weekly pattern of tomorrow following today etc? Then great news, man! Here’s what the papers are going to be saying in the morning…

Calderon wastes opportunity
Ramon Calderon has become an expert in sending out mixed signals over the last few weeks, telling the world and Rafael Nadal that Ronaldo is on his way to Real Madrid one minute, then making out he was just kidding the next. Now Marca have reported that the Glazers are ready to sell Ronaldo after all, but given a chance to stir things up on Radio 5 Live, Calderon thought it best to deny everything. What is that little minx up to?

Fat Ronaldo going Dutch?
PSV Eindhoven have been so impressed with Ronaldo’s big blubbery stomach (pictured) and smooth smoking technique that they want to bring him back ‘home’ to, um, Holland. “Perhaps something beautiful will happen this summer,” honked manager Huub Stevens, before mysteriously adding, “it’s possible that we can eventually make use of him in another role as well.” Hang on - Holland? Another role? Gimp mask? Don’t do it, Ronny!

FIFA President’s support of C-Ron becomes oh so clear

Sepp Blatter’s ridiculously misplaced comments about “modern slavery” gained the support of just one man: Cristiano Ronaldo. Even Chris Powell of the PFA, an organisation so concerned about player welfare that they will protect Joey Barton, told Blatter to issue a retraction.

Does the Swiss looney really believe anything he has even said though or is there a secret agenda behind every ridiculous word he utters? After all it’s clear the powers-that-be have a problem with English teams dominating Europe, and that Ronaldo joining Real Madrid would appease them as it would weaken the Champions League holders.

Less than six months ago, Blatter hit out at the Court of Arbitration in Sport’s decision to lower the compensation Andy Webster would have

Tennis star gets to the bottom of the C-Ron transfer saga

Rafael Nadal is being treated as a hero in his native Spain - not only was he mobbed upon his return to his hometown of Manacor (see above), but the president of his favourite football team has deemed him a worthy confidant for transfer information. By some bizarre twist of fate, Calderon’s comments were overheard and managed to make the papers this morning:

Nadal met Calderon in the grounds of the All England Club on Sunday night and a Spanish-speaking onlooker heard him ask: “OK, President, where’s this Cristiano Ronaldo we’re supposed to be signing?”

The Real chief replied: “Relax, Rafa, everything’s under control and we’ve got him done and dusted.”

How convenient that someone managed to overhear this thoroughly fictitious-sounding conversation. It’s almost as if the Real Madrid boss wanted his comments to be publicised…

Spanish giants just cannot stop staring at Ronaldo’s picture

Elegant French sports journal L’Equipe has had a chat with Real Madrid’s sporting director, Predrag Mijatovic, and reckon that Real’s singular obsession is to sign the boy Ronaldo.

“In the world of football Real Madrid is one of the most prestigious teams, which is why it needs the best players in the world. Our fans were lucky enough to see Zinedine Zidane in a white shirt, and we all look back to that time when we won the Champions League. That’s why we want Ronaldo to be the face of the new Real Madrid,” says the one they call Pedja.

Real’s dealings in the transfer market have been poor in recent years, bringing neither European glory nor a positive balance sheet, and the huge sums earnt a while back from the sale of their old training ground has long been squandered. However, President Calderon has had enough of being humiliated in Europe, and like all good egomaniacal owners has decided that he must have the best, regardless of contract law or the wrath of Ferguson.