Cicinho - deeply unhappy

Many players probably sit around drawing pictures of themselves in crayon wearing a shiny Real Madrid blouse and hotpants, dreaming of one day turning out at the Bernabeu, but if Cicinho’s latest grumblings are anything to go by, you’d be better off getting all Hieronymus Bosch about it by simply painting Hell. Apparently the place is a bloody nightmare. Or, in the Brazilian’s words, it’s “despicable”.

As reported on the popular Spanish website ES.com, the Brazilian right back - now lording it up in Sao Paulo - moans that behind the scenes, Real Madrid is not quite as you’d expect. It’s bitchy. Everyone sits around the dressing room in little cliques, whispering to one another, slagging off Fat Ronaldo.

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The ever-mental Spanish sports papers have excelled themselves once more, with news reaching us from El Mundo that Real Madrid is under siege by an anonymous voodoo priest.

A letter has been received by the club from a man who claims to have cast a spell that would leave the Portugese man-o’-sex crocked in a freak accident, after being contracted to do so by a mysterious frenemy (Sir Alex? Ruud? Nereida Gallardo?):

I’m not antimadridista. I have nothing against this great club. I am a professional and someone has paid very well for me using my powers. I have been hired to make Cristiano Ronaldo suffer a serious injury.

The Madridistas have found a new hero, says our Spanish media spy

If he scores against Villarreal tonight, Cristiano Ronaldo will make history, by becoming the first ever Real Madrid player to score in his first four consecutive league clashes. With the Primera season well underway, The Spoiler’s Real Madrid mole Valentine Fell tells us how the Spanish capital has responded since his ceremonious arrival…

The media
Despite the obligatory negative swipes he has been receiving, the press are desperate to speak to C-Ron: the ‘mixed zone’ at the Bernabeu turns into a full-on rugby-scrum every week in an attempt to get so much as a soundbite from him. There’s no doubt the city’s physiotherapists will be getting a few more visits in the coming months, due to the contortionist-like positions the media are having to put themselves in to get their mics anywhere near his little pocky face.

The Portuguese media
A batch of mentalists that warrant their own group. The press conferences are head-banglingly annoying as the Portuguese press seem to have camped out at Valdebebas (the team’s training ground) to ask every single player and staff member about the perma-tanned one. It’s a little like watching an overbearing parent at an open evening. The rest of the media are all waiting patiently for the player who blows his fuse first. My money is on Raul!

His teammates
Watching Cristiano in training is like watching a machine. Before

Florentino Perez envisions ‘Disneyland Madrid’

Concerned that Real Madrid wasn’t having a big enough impact on our lives, Florentino Perez laid the first stone of “Sports City” when he was in charge of the club in 2004. The project was neglected following his 2006 resignation, but now he is back in the hot seat, the Madrid president is keen to bring the club its very own theme park.

Work on the 60-hectare Sports City site will re-commence next spring, and if all goes to plan, ‘Disneyland Madrid’ will open by 2013. Rides such as the ‘Raul Rollercoaster’ (it just keeps going on and on and on), ‘Sergio Ramos’ House of Haunted Hair Straighteners’ and ‘Cristiano’s prostitute fivesome in 3-D’* will entertain up to two million visitors per year.

Perez has reportedly been shopping around for sponsors for the €150m next stage of construction, and has already held meetings with the mayors of Miami and Beijing

Portuguese star loves him some asymmetrical design

As a man who will never need a mortgage, one would expect Cristiano Ronaldo to buy a home in Madrid outright, but Sport reveal that he is to rent an exclusive bachelor pad for €12,000-a-month. That seems like rather a lot, but it works out at approximately 0.1 per cent of his income [upon further consultation with a calculator, The Spoiler has decided it is actually around 1.4 per cent - Ed.].

Located on the exclusive La Finca Los Lagos resort, C-Ron will count team mate Raul and Fernando Torres among his neighbours. The 180 home complex is ideally located for Madrid’s training ground (although it’s not too convenient for the nightlife), and offers 24-hour security patrols, infrared biometric controls and perimeter security cameras. This may limit opportunities for al fresco WAG boffing, but will certainly keep paparazzi lenses at bay.

Joaquin Torres - the architect responsible for the luxury pad - says the Madrid star originally asked to purchase his house but settled on renting the property above, with the option of purchasing it for €5m. The five bedroom home contains two bathrooms, locker rooms, a cinema, a pool, a wine cellar, a garage that can hold six cars, a whirlpool and a jacuzzi with room for up to five prostitutes.

Los Blancos stars splash out to treat friends and family to the prawn sandwich experience

Spanish paper Sport today report that Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo have respectively diverted some of their church donation and prostitute purchasing money to buy executive boxes at the Bernabeu.

A luxury box located in one of the stadium’s five ‘Torreones’ (columns located in the third tier) cost a whopping €238,820 for a season, and club legend Raul already owns one of them. They are accessible by private lifts, have their own bars and toilets, and can seat up to twenty people. They would be the perfect way to enjoy a match if they weren’t bloody miles from the pitch.

After flogging his fleet of Manchester-based cars, Sport also report that C-Ron has bagged himself a new ride.

Oversexed winger takes out frustration on Madrid captain

Tonight, Cristiano Ronaldo will enjoy his first game as a Real Madrid player, against a team he admits he has “never heard of” (that’ll be Shamrock Rovers, a side with whom The Spoiler only had the most passing familiarity).

Training seems to be going well, although it would appear that the Portuguese star is having difficulty locating unscrupulous ladies in Ireland. Either that, or he has found a forceful way to persuade Raul into giving him the number seven shirt.

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