Blues boss can only get riled up in his mother tongue

Thanks to the expert tuition he received at a Nunnery in Holland over the summer, Carlo Ancelotti’s grasp of English is improving at a tremendous rate (his oral skills have already eclipsed those of, say, Carlos Tevez, who after three years on these shores rarely speaks anything but Spanish).

While the Chelsea manager is confident enough to drop cheeky jokes in English, his command of the language isn’t sufficient to give his players a rollicking. Hence, his assistant Ray Wilkins suggested that he let rip in Italian, operating under the vague hope that JT, Lampsie and co would somehow take his criticisms on board:

“Only one time have they upset me, in a friendly against Reading. We were losing 2-0 at half-time and I wanted to be angry, but I didn’t have the words to convey that emotion. Ray said I should use Italian and then they can see by the look on my face that I am upset. When I am angry, I have to speak in Italian.

Of course, shouting at players in barely decipherable language is not a new concept in English football - Alex Ferguson has been doing it for over twenty years.

[The Telegraph]

See the Blues’ world famous “stretching in front of giant golden statues” routine and so much more

Ever wondered what Chelsea get up to at their super futuristic Cobham training facility? Us neither, but we have unearthed an insight into the daily routine of Guss Hiddink’s men…

Deco gives himself a thorough eyebrow workout on the pool table.

JT dresses Franco Di Santo every day. Here, the young Argentinean is concerned that El Capitan has messed up the tie and shirt order, but is thankful that he managed to put his pants on before his trousers this time.

See the rest of the snaps after the jump….

West Ham fans miss their first win over Chelsea in six years

The Spoiler can’t stand the monotony of international breaks where nothing ever happens in the week building up to the game and it looks like Chelsea and West Ham feel the same way.

Gianfranco Zola and Steve Clarke took a group of players who aren’t off gallivanting with their national teams - including Luis Boa Morte, Kieron Dyer and Savio - to Chelsea’s Cobham training ground to have a kickaround with the likes of Alex, Florent Malouda and Ricardo Quaresma.

The Hammers were 4-2 victors thanks largely to youngster Junior Stanislas but any sense of achievement in beating the Blues for the first time since 2003 was tempered by the fact Ray Wilkins was managing the opposition.

Avram Grant is 2/1 joint-favourite to return

Chelsea will be forced to employ a fourth manager in just eighteen months after announcing the sacking of Luiz Felipe Scolari.

Blues fans directed a chorus of “you don’t know what you’re doing” at the Brazilian after Saturday’s 0-0 draw with Hull saw them slip below Aston Villa into fourth but there was no real speculation that the axe was about to fall.

Ray Wilkins has been placed in temporary charge and the leading contenders to take over according to Sky Bet are Guus Hiddink, Avram Grant, Frank Rijkaard and Roberto Mancini. Former assistant Steve Clarke may also be in contention although Gianfranco Zola said this weekend that he has no intention of leaving West Ham.

Let us know with a comment below whether you think Chelsea were right to sack Scolari and who you think should be appointed manager number five of the Roman Abramovich era.

Chelsea’s new interim governor Raymond Wilkins knows all about Big Phil, but what of Big Kevin?

This, from scurrilous gossip outfit Popbitch, not a couple of weeks ago…

>> Butch teabag and the sunlounger kid <<
The life and times of a top football coach

This week we saw news that Chelsea boss Felipe Scolari was sending his assistant Ray “Butch” Wilkins out on a charm offensive. “That’s funny”, we thought. Our football contacts suggest Wilkins is not the best liked man in football. It reminded us about a story we heard from Wilkins’ days as Gianluca Vialli’s assistant at Watford. Vialli’s style of management of this struggling, cash-poor club used to involve as many expensive lunches, washed down with fine wines, and “training” trips abroad. On one such trip to Italy. The manager and his assistant maintained their usual commitment to man-management and rigorous training sessions with a long lunch, followed by a nap on the loungers by the hotel pool.

The players decided to have a little fun at their expense. Goalkeeping coach Kevin Hitchcock was known at the time for having one of the biggest wangs in football. He was persuaded to teabag Butch. Hitchcock stood behind Wilkins’ lounger and unzipped his cock. He then, from behind, laid it out across Wilkins face so that his plums flopped across Butch’s face and the tip of his penis rested in his assistant manager’s open mouth.

Burnley end Chelsea’s quadruple bid on penalties

In case you missed it, here are some comments made by Chelsea assistant Ray Wilkins prior to tonight’s home penalty shootout loss to Burnley in which he explains why their Carling Cup policy is so much more effective than Arsenal’s:

“It’s all about winning trophies when you’re a big club.

“The fact we’ve won the Carling Cup twice in the last four years and Arsenal have won none justifies our policy.

“You enter a competition to win the competition. Why go into it if you’re not concerned whether you win it?

“Playing a young or weakened team undermines the value of the competition.

“And we have not and will not do that. We want to win it, big time.”

To recap: Arsenal’s kids eased past Wigan, who held both Chelsea and the Gunners in the league last season, while quadruple-chasing Luiz Felipe Scolari’s side, featuring Deco, Florent Malouda, Didier Drogba and substitute Frank Lampard, lost at home to a Championship side.

Abroad, a similarly shocking cup exit could prove enough to cost La Liga winner Bernd Schuster his job at Real Madrid.

Um, Roman, are you sure?

If all the money in the world can only get you as far as Ray Wilkins as the assistant first team coach at Chelsea, then this dramatic credit crunch malarkey is turning into a financial apocalypse. As a player, he was fantastic - especially for fans of the sideways pass - but since his days on the pitch, his only notable success was on that Tango advert with the fat orange guy slapping people.