Here’s one Welshman who loves football

If Imogen Thomas looks familiar, that’s because you watched her on television every single day for around three months in 2006 - she was a member of the classic Big Brother house, which featured other big names like… um… the, err, woman with the hair… and the, um, shouty bloke who won. Yeah, great days those. Some of the best. She’s also a WAG.

Which club’s champagne reserves will be utilised this weekend?

Over the past year, we’ve seen sacked managers, prison sentences and more Cristiano Ronlado sex partners than anyone thought conceivable, and it all reaches a conclusion on Sunday. It’s the first time since 1968 that the top two teams have been on the same points, and one of Chelsea or Manchester Utd will be lifting the silverware (although the Blues will have to make do with a shabby replica) at around 5pm. So who ya got? Vote now…

Fulham to perform a Houdini-like escape this Sunday

As with the internet, the car and oxygen itself, it is now hard to imagine what life was like before the Apprentice. Not only does it make everything else on television look like the work of half-witted amateurs, but it has come to explain everything about modern life. The state of the economy? Small wonder it’s in such chaos if the business world is run on such pure incompetence. The war in Iraq? How can we hope to understand its complexities if the country’s most educated people can’t even begin to guess which religion eats kosher food? Boris Johnson becoming mayor of London? These people are brought to a state of frozen panic when asked to correctly place an apostrophe on a greetings card - what does that say about their decision making abilities? And so to the final day of the Premier League season, which Sir Alan neatly anticipated by firing two people. This weekend, two teams will be ejected from the top table. Like the Apprentice, there will be a lot of angry finger pointing, but moan as much as they like, two red-faced losers will be strapping themselves bitterly into the taxi of relegation, still none the wiser as to where it all went wrong.

The Spoiler believes Fulham will survive at the weekend. Disagree? Then bet against it!

The statistics

* Reading face Derby on Sunday, who are without a win in 31 league games, and regardless

The race to be anonymous in the Championship next year is heating up

Now that the Championship has morphed into toddler football matches where twenty-two hyperactive maniacs thunder around a field chasing the ball, teams would be wise to stick to the Premier League. Already Derby will be practicing their head-down running techniques, and Fulham should probably start swotting up on moping around in the centre circle crying for mummy. The rest, however, might still be allowed to play football next season.

The statistics

* In the last seven seasons, ten teams have conceded sixty-five or more goals in a season and each one has been relegated. This season Derby have let in seventy-six, Reading have now let in sixty-five.

* Nobody higher than 17th in the league at this stage of the season have gone on to be relegated in the last ten years, which

Who should be roughing it in the Championship next season?

With just three games to go in the league, it looks as if Mr Al Fayed has booked himself a first class one-way trip to the Championship with Derby next season. Just one relegation spot remains in contention, and Bolton, Reading and Birmingham find themselves teetering dangerously close to the edge.

According to Right Result (the site that shows you how the table would look if refs got all the key decisions right), the relegation places would already belong to Bolton (whose own fans can’t even be bothered to turn up to home games) and Reading (whose recent form is only slightly better than that of Derby). But who deserves it this season? Is it one of the three current drop fodder, or a team who currently find themselves in safety? Rudderless Newcastle and inconsistent Middlesbrough spring to mind…

Votes and comments below please.

For the best drama in the Prem, head for the basement

One unintentional benefit of Richard Scudamore’s efforts to pump obscene amounts of cash into the Premier League has been to turn the annual relegation battle into the division’s true drama. Nothing draws out the fighting spirit in the modern athlete better than the thought of losing money, and this season, a record eight teams - sorry Derby, not you - are going at each other like ferrets in a feed sack. Compare this to the contest for the title, which features just two runners plus the riderless horse Chelsea, galloping along under the illusion they’re still in it. As usual, Mr Scudamore is playing a dangerous game, as he’d better hope no one joins the dots and discovers that Martin Taylor’s amputation of Eduardo’s foot at the weekend came as a result of him taking the pitch pumped up with a week’s indoctrination on the evils of relegation. Gladiatorial battles are most stirring, but players without feet are not good for the brand.

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The statistics

* Newcastle have eleven league fixtures left and have taken just six points from their last eleven. If they continue this run of form they will finish on thirty-four points - an amount that would have seen them relegated in the past two seasons.