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A Chelsea dressing room tour (thanks to Spoiler reader, John Swaine)! 

The Real Madrid replacement managers REVEALED

[Daily Mail]

P.Diddy wants to buy Crystal Palace!

[Pies]

Footballers on crutches

[Kickette]

Vidic questions Rooney’s intelligence

[Dirty Tackle]

Drogba gets the cartoon treatment

[Studs Up]

New outfits for Arsenal

[Caught Offside]

Is one of these men “the new Gary Lineker”?

Romance fans will be bitterly disappointed today, with news that Kate Winslet has managed to make a pig’s ear of another marriage - she’s divorcing Sam Mendes, the man who directed the slow moving Jamie Redknapp hairstyle biopic, Jarhead. As expected, showbiz desks are completely furious about this.

One group who couldn’t give a monkeys, however, are the hard working sports writers. Not big Winslet fans, these office heroes have avoided the furore entirely, and have been instead been writing about football. Here’s what we know today, thanks to the likes of The Sun, The Daily Mail, The Guardian etc…:

“Take me with you”

In terrifying bunny boiler terms, Real Madrid are probably Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Their seduction style is direct and borderline-hysterical, a world away from the more subtle knickerless Sharon Stone leg-crossing techniques of teams like Barcelona or Chelsea. Were this analogy to continue, Man United might be Jessica Rabbit, and Liverpool would currently be Pat from Eastenders.

Anyway, the most recent Michael Douglas figure baking up a storm inside Real Madrid underpants is cut to the dashing figure of Wayne Rooney. Ex-Real President, Ramon Calderon, said this on Radio Five Live:

David Silva - really?

Like an absent father attempting to win back his tearful children with toys, cowboy outfits, and Chicken McNuggets, Real Madrid look set to spend another summer throwing ridiculous money around, in a bid to buy back their supporter’s affections.

But who should they get?

The popular Spanish website, Marca.com, has boiled the options down to a shortlist of six football superstars, with the readers voting for who they’d like to see battling for a spot on the team alongside Ronaldo and Kaka. Interestingly, there don’t appear to be any defenders.

“El Special Uno”

Of course, after dropping out of Europe with a whimper last night, the whole of Madrid is up in arms, inwardly - and in some cases, quite outwardly - chanting for the head of Manuel Pellegrini

And luckily, The Spoiler is rather well connected with the bronze people of sunny Spain, and the big news filtering in from Spanish television is that Jose Mourinho has already signed up to manage Real Madrid next season.

It wouldn’t be the most shocking turn of events - Mourinho has had a particularly fractious time of things in Italy - although it had been widely considered that his next move would be back to

Pellegrini - oops

If you happened to be passing through Merseyside last night, you might have just made out the yelping sounds of a middle-aged Spanish man jumping up and down on his sofa. That would have been Rafa Benitez, feeling rather relieved that his side wasn’t the only lot to get the Lyon treatment during this season’s Champions League.

It’s all kicking off in Spain, after Real Madrid crashed out of Europe last night, with supporters calling for Pellegrini’s head on a stick. Here’s some of the reaction so far, including a rather dramatic theory from Sergio Ramos:

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Proof that footballers can be wonderful actors (via Dirty Tackle)

WIN A LOAD OF FOOTBALL BOOKS!

[The Spoiler] 

Wilson Palacios rather puts his foot in it

[The Sun]

Man United/AC Milan examined

[Caught Offside]

The cheekiest penalty of all time?

[101 Great Goals]

Hark, it’s the Bayern Munich “victory shuffle”!

[Pies]

Uh-oh, Charlton fans will not be happy

[Off the Post]

Get the Thierry Henry look!

[Kickette]

Cicinho - deeply unhappy

Many players probably sit around drawing pictures of themselves in crayon wearing a shiny Real Madrid blouse and hotpants, dreaming of one day turning out at the Bernabeu, but if Cicinho’s latest grumblings are anything to go by, you’d be better off getting all Hieronymus Bosch about it by simply painting Hell. Apparently the place is a bloody nightmare. Or, in the Brazilian’s words, it’s “despicable”.

As reported on the popular Spanish website ES.com, the Brazilian right back - now lording it up in Sao Paulo - moans that behind the scenes, Real Madrid is not quite as you’d expect. It’s bitchy. Everyone sits around the dressing room in little cliques, whispering to one another, slagging off Fat Ronaldo.