No, you can’t have Lofty the Lion

The scenario: You’re the manager of a Premier League team, and you’re allowed to strengthen your squad by signing just one player in the January transfer window. But you can only choose someone from The Ginger Mourinho’s Wanderers - so who do you pick?

Your options: Can we interest you in: The sweet left foot of Matty Taylor, the midfield drive of Kevin Nolan, or the no-nonsense forward play of Kevin Davies? And don’t forget one of the most consistent keepers in the Prem: Jussi Jaaskalainen. Other names to conjure with include Johan Elmander, who has looked good up-front, Fabrice Muamba and Gary Cahill.

As usual, there can be only one. Vote below:

Man takes out aggression on large defenseless animal

In news that will shock PETA members and people who have ‘I slow down for horses’ stickers in the back of their Volvos, Stoke fan Shaun Allen has been banned from attending football matches for three years after he punched a policeman’s steed at the Reebok:

A police officer took a can off Allen and asked the group to move on, but Allen became abusive.

Mark France, prosecuting, told the court that Allen struck the horse and ran off, but was arrested by other police officers.

On Friday he pleaded guilty to causing harassment, alarm and distress.

For his crime against law enforcing animals, the Stoke fan was also made to pay a £200 fine, £100 costs and a baffling £15 victim surcharge. What is a horse going to do with £15? And what’s the going rate for kicking a sniffer dog? Just asking…

[Bolton News via WithLeather, who should be commended for their inspired use of Blazing Saddles]