Is this the best team in the Premier League?

Make no mistake, friends, the ‘Big Four’ are so-called because they’re brilliant. So brilliant that were you to merge them all together to create a “best of” team, some huge names would fall by the wayside. We are, of course, referring to the likes of Craig Lindfield, Andriy Voronin, Justin Hoyte, Darren Fletcher, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Just some of the football legends who didn’t make the cut.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
No longer the best in the world, not even the best in Premier League - Friedel, James and Given are better. But he is the strongest in the top four, despite a horrendous Euro 2008. Should his terrible run of luck with facial injuries continue, he should end the season playing in a humiliating gimp mask.

DL Patrice Evra (Man United)
After an appalling debut (losing 3-1 to Man City, coming off at half time), Evra suddenly morphed into a fantastic player. Some might argue that Cole or Clichy are more deserving of the spot, but they’re wrong. Cole would bring the whole dressing room down with his awful personality, and Clichy is behind Evra in the France pecking order.

DC Rio Ferdinand (Man United)
It’s easy to forget that underneath the silly record labels, the totally pointless “merking” and the strange skew-whiff mouth, Rio Ferdinand is just a man, standing in front of you, asking you to tell him he’s brilliant at football. Don’t worry, Rio, you are. In fact, you’re our cap-i-tan.

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

These men stepped up to the plate, brought their A game, gave it 110 per cent etc…

As everyone knows, the semi finals and finals of important competitions are an appalling waste of time. Everyone’s too frightened to touch the ball, to the point where grown men just gather around staring at each other, too paranoid to even speak. Hence, the team of the tournament has been chosen based on the real football that The Spoiler has already witnessed…

GK Iker Casillas (Spain)
For single handedly snatching football glory away from the Italians, and looking a little bit like a child attempting to grow a beard. Out-goallied Buffon.

DL Yuri Zhirkov (Russia)
Once you’ve finished rolling around on the floor in hysterics because his name sounds a little bit like “jerk off”, you’ll notice that he’s been a prince amongst left backs. Brilliant.

DC Giorgio Chiellini (Italy)
Whilst it made for the most face-scratchingly boring non-England match since Glasgow Women’s Deaf and Dumb Wheelchair Team took on the local hospice’s Coma XI, don’t forget that the Italian defence was brilliant. Particularly this man.

The Spoiler considers the top flight’s finest in Austria/ Switzerland

Although England fans will not get a chance to make fools of themselves on the streets of Vienna, the best league in the world is very well represented at the European Championships. With this in mind, The Spoiler has whittled down the top flight’s best imports to form some kind of monolith XI of continental talent. And Petr, you may have more arms than a Vishnu God, but you’re on the bench for this one…

Jens Lehmann
Forget the increasingly gaffe-prone Petr Cech, Lehmann is the guy to watch. He won’t be a Premier League player next season but he has a point to prove and could well lift the trophy.

Patrice Evra
Ridiculously, he still isn’t a regular in the French team, but a lack of Premier League left-back’s potentially up for selection in this XI means he creeps in ahead of Alvaro Arbeloa.

William Gallas
When he’s not sulking, Gallas is actually a pretty good defender and France will be relying on him being back to his best if they are to challenge.

Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry’s better half will be keen to show he can perform just as well without the blubbering wreck by his side.

All today’s transfers in a scroll down listy thing

Think about it: Italian men always seem to be wearing hair product, they probably look at us and wonder why we don’t bother. Well, riddle over, Italian friends - you obviously haven’t heard of something called rain. It’s a watery substance that Ricardo Carvalho can give a talk on next season when he’s at Inter. Perhaps by way of introduction? Oh, and speaking of transfers…

Ricardo Carvalho to Inter Milan
Like an obedient young robot, wherever Mourinho goes, Carvalho is programmed to follow. Luckily for him, that means paying a visit to the food capital of pizza and chips - Italy.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who could say no to Jose?

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Portsmouth
Portsmouth are willing to fork out £10 million on Shaun Wright-Phillips, whose only skill is to run fast. Harry, you could get Dwain Chambers for a bag of drugs and a quid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…

Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.

Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.

Wow, what a week of football. First Liverpool and Chelsea proved that it wasn’t just a coincidence that people start gouging their own eyes out whenever they play, then Man United and Barcelona strove to make a potentially exciting game completely rubbish. Congrats guys, mission accomplished. Still, we don’t totally hate football yet, and some crazy transfer talk has been filtering in aaaall morning…

Darren Bent to West Ham
The ghost of Darren Bent has been whispered to be returning to haunt his old boss. Spurs will then spend all of next season scratching their heads and debating why there is now a spare hook in the dressing room.

Luka Modric to Newcastle
Modric could have his pick of any Premier League club this summer, but his mum has spoken to Mark Viduka’s mum, and they want their boys to look after each other next season. Luka, of course, didn’t ask to be born, and will be found moping around the centre circle with luminous yellow snot on his brow.

El-Hadji Diouf to Manchester City
El-Hadge looks Manchester bound, which, he’ll be pleased to know, is about spitting distance from Bolton.

Impact of Liverpool’s Spaniard more profound than originally thought

In response to this week’s poll of 2,500 women by that website which bought Ebbsfleet, and which determined that Wayne Rooney is the ugliest player in the world, we asked our users to take a deep breath and explore their feelings about players at the other end of the scale. Results show that Fernando Torres is the player most men would sleep with “if they had to go with a Premier League player.”

Torres was by far and away the winner with 35 per cent of the total vote. One respondent said “He’s more attractive than my last girlfriend,” and another “I’d probably go with him even if I didn’t have to.”

Second place went to Spurs’ Jermain