Also appearing on a computer near you…

Multi-tasking malfunction: Jimmy Bullard struggles to walk and smile simultaneously
[OTP]

Rio Ferdinand’s best John Moncur anecdote
[ChannelBee]

Arsenal close in on 15-year-old American Luis Gil
[IM Scouting]

Chelsea will offer Roma €14m and Carvalho for Philippe Mexes
[Goal.com]

Once again, Sergio Ramos proves he is a fashion pioneer
[Kickette]

Spurs are after Martin Petrov, whose place in the City Revolution is rather uncertain
[Daily Mail]

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A further helping of transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Ricardo Carvalho and Deco to Inter Milan
The biggest transfer news of a very slow day comes from Italy’s Sky Sport 24, who claim that Chelsea do not want Nicolas Burdisso or Maicon in exchange for Jose Mourinho’s good friends Deco and Ricardo Carvalho and are instead holding out for around £12 million for the pair.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Maicon’s agent Antonio Caliendo says that he expects his client to stay put this summer so it would make sense for Chelsea to take as much money as they can and shop elsewhere.

Felipe Melo is staying with Fiorentina
Just a day after being urged by international teammate Gilberto Silva to sign

The bookmakers expect the Blues to miss out on Carlos Tevez

This is a huge transfer window for Chelsea - their chance to build on a strong end to the season by bringing in players who can freshen up the squad and thrust them back into title contention - but it hasn’t gone to plan so far.

With Manchester United losing two of their “Fab Four”, the Blues have a real chance to close the gap but they have already been snubbed by Glen Johnson, while Ricardo Carvalho wants to leave and Michael Essien’s agent has made noises about his client moving to Spain.

Whereas a few weeks ago they were linked with Franck Ribery, Sergio Aguero and David Villa, this morning it’s Charlton youngster Jonjo Shelvey and Ross

Also appearing on a computer near you…

South Africa’s Bernard Parker enjoys the best miss of his career at the Confederations Cup
[Off The Post]

Internazionale are confident of landing Deco and Ricardo Carvalho
[The Independent]

Cheryl Cole looking good on holiday
[News of the World]

Michael Owen over-estimates himself in a glossy brochure designed for prospective employers
[Pies]

Zlatan Ibrahimovic: yours for a mere €90m
[Sport.co.uk]

Holiday buddies: Djibril Cissé and Samir Nasri in Miami
[Kickette]

Cristiano Ronaldo takes a weight off of Zinedine Zidane’s shoulders
[Goal.com]

Wolves preapre for the Premier League by signing Serbian defensive midfielder Nenad Milijas
[ITV]

Chelsea/Liverpool, Champions League QF 2nd leg, 7.45pm, ITV1

It looks like Guus Hiddink may stick with the team that started the first-leg besides bringing in Ricardo Carvalho for suspended captain John Terry. That strategy makes sense but with Liverpool likely to go on the offensive, The Spoiler would make a slightly defensive tweak by bringing in John Obi Mikel for Michael Ballack and playing a Rafa-esque 4-2-3-1:

Have you got a better idea? Let us know who you would pick below…

Italians may sell Ibracadabra for outrageously inflated price

As we told you yesterday, Inter Milan’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic is a Chelsea summer transfer target. However the Swede - who plays brilliantly in every single game except the ones The Spoiler watches - will be very costly if press reports are to believed.

According to Italian daily Corriere della Sera, Internazionale will demand £80m for the man whom Martin O’Neill called “the most overrated player in the world” during the World Cup.

That kind of cash is likely to exceed the Blues’ summer budget, but Inter may accept some players in return. The Italian paper believes the Serie A leaders are interested in Ricardo Carvalho, Michael Essien and Jose’s former lover, Didier Drogba.

We can’t see all three players heading to the Serie A leaders, but there’s a decent chance of Drogba heading to the fashion capital if Guus Hiddink departs in the summer.

Is this the best team in the Premier League?

Make no mistake, friends, the ‘Big Four’ are so-called because they’re brilliant. So brilliant that were you to merge them all together to create a “best of” team, some huge names would fall by the wayside. We are, of course, referring to the likes of Craig Lindfield, Andriy Voronin, Justin Hoyte, Darren Fletcher, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Just some of the football legends who didn’t make the cut.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
No longer the best in the world, not even the best in Premier League - Friedel, James and Given are better. But he is the strongest in the top four, despite a horrendous Euro 2008. Should his terrible run of luck with facial injuries continue, he should end the season playing in a humiliating gimp mask.

DL Patrice Evra (Man United)
After an appalling debut (losing 3-1 to Man City, coming off at half time), Evra suddenly morphed into a fantastic player. Some might argue that Cole or Clichy are more deserving of the spot, but they’re wrong. Cole would bring the whole dressing room down with his awful personality, and Clichy is behind Evra in the France pecking order.

DC Rio Ferdinand (Man United)
It’s easy to forget that underneath the silly record labels, the totally pointless “merking” and the strange skew-whiff mouth, Rio Ferdinand is just a man, standing in front of you, asking you to tell him he’s brilliant at football. Don’t worry, Rio, you are. In fact, you’re our cap-i-tan.

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)