Who’s next?

‘The Away Days Gang’ - the infamous group(s) of armed raiders who ‘earn’ their coin targeting north-west based footballers playing away matches - have been caught slipping lately, apparently having forgotten Phil Jagielka hasn’t kicked a ball in six months.

However, their ingenious ruse is still winning fans amongst the robbing community in the south-east. According to Essex police, career crims have been lining up to pilfer from Essex’s finest, with a spate of identical ‘away days’ burglaries breaking out. Hide the Baby Bentleys!

Angry Dragões relieve frustration with some petty theft

Those who want to dress like Cristiano Ronaldo - ie everybody - can achieve his fierce look with a visit to one of his CR7 boutiques. The Madeira branch of his fashion chain, however, received some unwelcome visitors this week.

Angry at the manner in which they were knocked out of the Champions League, Porto sent three of their campest metrosexual fans to the store to cause unrest. The gentlemen filled three knapsacks with various items of overpriced crap hats, belts and shirts, before saying some very mean things about the tricky winger to his sister Elma, who runs the store.

Fortunately, police arrested the chic offenders later in the day, and also foiled a second robbery plot involving up to ten men.

[Expresso via Dirty Tackle]

Man City forward relieved of £23k worth of bling

Darius Vassell may have looked like the belle of the ball in the £15,000 Cartier watch and £8,000 earrings that he wore to Manchester City’s Christmas party on Sunday night, but his grotesque display of wealth left him subject to the wants of nasty criminal types:

The Manchester City forward was “roughed up” as his Cartier watch and jewellery were snatched.

It is understood that Vassell shared a taxi with a woman back to his apartment in Didsbury. He got out to allow the woman to continue her journey and was arguing about the fare when he was attacked.

Frankly, for his failure to adhere to the Premier League Players’ Behaviour Code, Vassell had this attack coming. What kind of self respecting millionaire sportsman argues about a cab fare? And more importantly, how many players let a woman “continue her journey” rather than taking her home and sealing the deal? Come on Darius, what would Robinho have to say about that gentlemanly blunder?

The Liverpool FC crime spree continues

Just a few weeks after young Brazilian Lucas Leiva had his home ransacked, Jermaine Pennant became the ninth Liverpool player to suffer at the hands of thieves in the past two years.

Ram-raiders, apparently hell-bent on relieving the winger of some of his flash cars, smashed a stolen Land Rover into the gates of his £3m Cheshire mansion in the middle of the night.

The thieves got away without a single purloined automobile, but the incident clearly shocked Pennant so much that he ended up posing for photos still wearing his jammies.

Pennant’s Page Three girl fiancée Amii Grove (who once caught him at it with another lady on CCTV cameras in their home) has commended