The Daily Mail are claiming Premier League clubs have been leaving the well-being of their multi-million pound stars in the hands of a Serbian housewife who locals describe as ‘looking like Morticia Addams’.
Since her cover was blown by Robin van Persie on Tuesday, Mariana Kovacevic has gone into hiding, leaving the world’s press (and Serbian health officials, who have no record of this horse-guts operation existing) camped outside her clinic in New Belgrade, waiting for her to get back:
Within five minutes of each other Arsenal’s Van Persie left in one direction, while Liverpool pair Glen Johnson and Fabio Aurelio arrived from the other. By last night it appeared that Kovacevic may have already moved her placenta supplies and massage table elsewhere.
Injured Arsenal striker Robin van Persie is to fly to Serbia to undergo a radical treatment which will involve rubbing fluid from a placenta into his hurt ankle.
As far as The Spoiler can remember from its Biology lessons, the placenta is the organ which allows food and air, as well as poo and wee, to pass between mother and foetus. Placental therapy is especially common in the Far East, where it has been used for repairing injuries to muscle tissue.
Van Persie told reporters:
I am going to receive treatment from a female doctor. She is vague about her methods but I know she first massages you for a long time with placenta fluid. I’m going to give it a try. It can’t do any harm and if it helps it helps.
A night of mixed fortunes for the English in Europe
Fiorentina 2/ Liverpool 0
“I have never seen us struggle so badly as in the first half - it was a poor performance.” A damning indictment of Liverpool’s performance in Tuscany last night from Rafa, as Stevan Jovetic - dubbed “The Montenegrin Messi” - bagged a brace. Liverpool now have some catching up to do in Group E.
Arsenal 2/ Olympiakos 0
Despite total dominance over the Greeks, the Gunners left it late to claim three points: RVP struck on 78 minutes, while Andrei Arshavin sealed it with a suspiciously offside effort on 86. Olympiakos boss Zico didn’t accuse the officials of being biased, but did note that three of them were French.
Some expert advice for the weekend’s activities from Sporting Index
In case you hadn’t noticed, all the cool kids are making their ritual viewing of Soccer Saturday a little more interesting with the help of spread betting. Our friends at Sporting Index are the go-to-guys for this money making art, and they have kindly provided previews of two of this weekend’s big clashes…
Stoke/ Manchester Utd
The Red Devils follow their derby triumph with a trip to the Britannia Stadium, where the Potters lost just four games last season. The comparisons drawn between Stoke’s home and Burnley’s Turf Moor are extremely welcome to sellers of United’s win index spread, as the Clarets, of course, defeated United there earlier in the season. Spread punters who followed the progress of Tony Pulis’s first top-flight season will remember, however, that United were one of the several clubs to leave the Britannia with three points, thanks only to a late Carlos Tevez goal. Chelsea are the only other member of the Big Four to play there so far this season and also required a last gasp winner. Buyers of the time of the last match goal will hope for a similar spread make-up on Saturday.
Fulham/ Arsenal
Due to their demolition jobs on Everton, Portsmouth and Wigan
The private beef which caused Emmanuel Adebayor to moonwalk over Robin van Persie’s face a fortnight ago has been revealed to be the same reason he fell out with Nicklas Bendtner last season - an unhealthy shoe obsession.
According to the News of the World, following Arsenal’s final day win against Stoke last season, Emmanuel knee-slid into the Gunners’ dressing room with an extra-strength bin liner and (as one club rep put it) ’swept the place’, bagging as much of his team-mates’ kit as would fit - including a pair of boots Robin van Persie had planned to give to friends - before hauling ass.
A member of the Arsenal backroom staff was left break the news to the players:
“We never saw him - or the boots - again. Robin was going mad.
… revealed in the fascinating trends and statistics below
The bookmakers seem to agree on the 15 leading contenders to be next season’s Premier League top-scorer. they are:
Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, Michael Owen, Robinho, Robin van Persie, Emmanuel Adebayor, Dimitar Berbatov, Jermain Defoe, Carlos Tevez, Andrei Arshavin, Frank Lampard and Roque Santa Cruz.
Through a process of elimination, our stat-lovin’ friends at chickendinner have discovered that Nicolas Anelka will not successfully defend his top scorer award, and the eventual winner is quite surprising.
Here it comes…
Over the last decade Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink (2000-01) is the only player to have won it in his first season with a new club. That rules out: Michael Owen, Carlos Tevez, Roque Santa Cruz
The last nine winners were all playing for a Big Four side. That rules out: Robinho, Jermain Defoe
Cristiano Ronaldo is the only player to have been Premier League top-scorer without always playing as an out-and-out striker. That rules out: Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Andrei Arshavin
The last British top-scorer was Kevin Phillips in 1999-00. That rules out: Wayne Rooney
Still standing: Fernando Torres, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, Robin van
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