Chelsea chief exec tells other clubs to get their houses in order

In what may be a vague attempt at entering into some Fergie-style PR mind games, Peter Kenyon today told clubs such as Tottenham, Newcastle, Everton and Aston Villa to get their act together:

“It should be more about them getting their houses in order rather than us coming down to their level.”

According to the most recent financial data available (from the 2006/07 season), Cheslea had a debt of £738m, their operating expenses had increased by £35m on the previous year, and they were only being stabilised by an interest-free loan of £538m from a kindly Russian gentleman. At their current rate of inflating wages, it would be ambitious for the club to break even in the next five years.

Of course, Roman Abramovich is no fool, and being able to support such a huge debt is testament to Chelsea’s long-term financial strength, but it seems a little rich for Kenyon to tell other clubs to get their houses in order when theirs relies solely on a man who would think nothing of writing off a £700m loss…

Koreans can enjoy an oven-based meal endorsed by top manager

As Roman Abramovich pines away on his yacht, wishing he’d brought the Russian manager to Chelsea instead of Gene Hackman, I’d like to think he and WAG Daria Zhukova console themselves with a Hiddink flavoured pizza.

[Chelsea Pies]

Reserve striker calling the shots at the Bridge

According to this morning’s Independent, the top brass at Chelsea are showing their football nous by giving peripheral benchwarmer Andriy Shevchenko an important role in selecting the next team manager. The West London club are still keen on hiring Milan’s Carlo Ancelotti (you know, the chap who has turned them down a couple of times already), and the man who couldn’t persuade his way into the first team has been asked to persuade the Italian:

The 31-year-old striker is one of several people Abramovich has consulted over the recruitment of a new coach and is understood to have urged him to carry on with his pursuit of the man he played under at Milan, despite being rebuffed last week.

Originally Abramovich had only intended to speak to Ancelotti to ask him his opinion on who he should appoint but, under the advice of Shevchenko among others, he decided to offer the 48-year-old the post.

In other news, the groundsman who punched Patrice Evra has been asked to lure Samuel Eto’o to the club, while a 17-year-old girl who works at a burger stand in the Shed End will be holding interviews for a new marketing director.

Inter gaffer loses ’special’ tag, but retains arrogance self belief

When Jose Mourinho was escorted away from Stamford Bridge last year, many Chelsea players were distraught. Drogba spent a week burning photographs while eating from a giant tub of Häagen-Dazs, while Princess Frank wept into his pillow while listening to ‘Hey There Delilah’ on repeat (it was their song). Now the Portuguese is back in the game, however, it looks like the band could be reuniting in Italy:

“I think it is normal that almost all of [the Chelsea squad] will want to work with me in the future,” said Mourinho.

But Mourinho said any transfer dealings between the

Blues’ dream of being Premier League’s most entertaining club in sight - during the summer at least

In spite of guiding Chelsea to within a spot kick of the Champions League, a penalty which he could hardly be blamed for missing, thunder-faced Avram Grant has been asked to lose Chelsea’s number and stop bothering them in exchange for a large cheque.

Mr Grant, who you’ll recall was also a whisker away from winning the Premier League, a goal which he may have accomplished if his predecessor Jose Mourinho had bothered to do his job properly in the first few games of the season, instead of conducting a high stakes game of ego chess with his employer, will now have plenty of time on his hands to read the papers.

There, he will find a great deal of information to intrigue him, such as reports of recent warm conversations between Mr Mourinho and Mr Abramovich (The Sun), and news that Roman Abramovich recently gave the same Mr Mourinho the GBP2 million Ferrari of his dreams (the Observer) - a 612 Scaglietti. Mr Grant must feel like the wife who has just

Russian has strange taste in nice things

It seems that Roman Abramovich has the same eye for beautiful art that he uses to create beautiful football. All the ingredients are there - naked women, lovely sofa, great artist. And yet, to the normal working man, Lucien Freud’s Benefits Supervisor Sleeping looks like a podgy woman having a kip, not a £17 million gem. Much in the same way that the Chelsea team can look like eleven brilliant players all dancing to a different beat.

Amongst the yachts and gorgeous girlfriends, it seems that the Chelsea loan-shark has a secret love of the uglier things in life.

With that in mind, Mr Abramovich, here’s some more art you could throw millions at and depress yourself with:

Chelsea’s head honcho now owns slightly more of London

Although his attendance at Chelsea games has been less than exemplary of late, any rumours that Roman Abramovich is bored with his West London plaything may be quashed by his latest property investment.

The Russian oligarch originally bought a flat for in the pricey SW1 Lowndes Square building for just over £1m in the late nineties. He and (ex-) wife Irina lived there for several years, but it seems model girlfriend Daria Zhukova requires a little more space for her expansive array of tiny bikinis. Hence, Rom has slowly bought up the rest of the building and can now realise his dream of turning the whole thing into a gigantic palatial residence…

Sheva’s lady had absolutely nothing to do with his move to Chelsea. Honest.

When Andriy Shevchenko’s lengthy stay at AC Milan came to an end, the ageing striker had no preference over joining Manchester Utd or Chelsea. Roman Abramovich’s (now ex-) wife Irina, however, aided the decision making process by squiring his American model wife Kristen Pazik around the glitzy side of London town. Soon after, Sheva agreed the move to West London, but insisted the choice had nothing to do with his wife’s wishes. He told Gazetta Sport at the time:

“My wife has nothing to do with this, we decided together for the best interests of our family.”I don’t speak English, my wife does not speak Ukrainian - the only language we have in common at the moment is Italian. The only way to be able to teach our children our love that we have for them is the English language.”

And with this puzzling logic (surely the mutually understood Italian language would have been a better choice for the kids), the Premier League gained another WAG and Chelsea’s bench got a little bit warmer.

Anyone who stayed tuned after the game last night would have been witness to English madman Glenn Hoddle actually making sense for once. The big question spewing forth from his mouth was this - is the billionaire Roman Abramovich bothered about Chelsea any more?

After all, the Russian hasn’t been seen at a Chelsea match since the Carling Cup final - won, of course, by Spurs - meaning that he’s missed huge games against Man United, and the Champions League semi-final, arguably the biggest match in Chelsea history. No doubt he will be there in Moscow to enjoy the inevitable showering of grace from his countrymen, but how long will he stick around for after that?

Plenty of goals and Lampard tears on display at Stamford Bridge

Roman Abramovich was conspicuous by his absence last night, but something tells me he won’t have a problem getting a visa for the Moscow final…