Rotund Brazilian mocks defender without touching the ball

We can’t think of many Premiership defences that would let a ball remain stationary on the edge of their penalty area for over six seconds, but this is impressive stuff all the same.

[101GG]

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Brazilians demonstrate cavalier attitude to health and safety

Following a 1-1 draw with Santos on Sunday, Corinthians were delighted to win their thirty-first Sao Paolo State Championship.

To celebrate this hard-earned achievement, captain William took the trophy  - believed to have been modelled on a pimp cup - up on a crane so everyone in the stadium could get a good look. Unfortunately, the combination of streamers, ticker tape and open flames left the captain covered in a lot more fire than usual.

Fortunately, no one was hurt in the incident. However, (Fat) Ronaldo - who may or may not have been deemed too heavy to put on the crane - spoke out about the piss-poor safety standards:

“It was obvious that it was going to catch fire,” he told a news conference.

“They should have thought of something better.

“William could have been burned and, instead of celebrating, we could now be visiting him in hospital.”

“I lament the disorganisation,” added Ronaldo, who was surrounded by reporters and cameramen as the final whistle went.

“I didn’t have the chance to celebrate with our supporters, I kept getting hit by microphones.”

[Marca and The Guardian]

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Man City’s inconsistent star accused of taking cocaine

Brazil is famous for many things - beautiful beaches, colourful street parades, slightly gay-looking currency - but if the claims of Pele are to be believed, the South American nation may soon gain a reputation for footballers who dabble with naughty substances.

During a private tourism event, the legendary erectile dysfunction solution advocate claimed (Fat) Ronaldo and Robinho had been on the cocaine while attending a private party in Sao Paolo:

“It is unfair to talk about drugs in football because of just one or two cases, like Ronaldo and Robinho, who have that problem.”

Pele may have been caught out revealing an unspoken truth about Brazilian football, but it is more likely he was trying to divert attention away from the curious case of his son Edinho, who was a known cocaine user and suspected drug trafficker.

After Robinho’s hilariously bad penalty kick yesterday (3.15 above), a spokesman for the Brazilian pooh-poohed his accusation:

“We strenuously refute any such suggestions. The notion of him taking drugs is absurd and we completely deny it.”We are trying at this moment to get Pele to clarify the situation.

“We think these comments have been genuinely misunderstood or got lost in translation.”

Manchester Utd star to create musical tour de force with Ronaldinho and Ronaldo

Having already conquered the world’s of football and super sexy hotpants, Cristiano Ronaldo has set himself some new goals. According to this morning’s Sun, the tricky winger is entertaining the idea of forming a popular beat combo with (Fat) Ronaldo and Ronaldinho. Oh dear:

“Somebody mentioned to me a few years ago that it would be a great idea if myself, the Brazilian Ronaldo and Ronaldinho made a band called The Three Rs.

“I loved the idea, it was so funny. I’ll mention it to them when I retire, we might even have a No1.”

Ronaldo hasn’t mentioned his slightly ridiculous plan to the King of Nightclubs or the King of Transvestite Prostitutes, but he has made it clear he will be the leader of the triumvirate:

“I don’t know what the other two would like to do but it would be brilliant if I was lead singer.

“You never know, I will have to do something after football.”

We think the pop band make a great post-football career, and a much more interesting alternative to punditry. If C-Ron wishes to get a head start, he would do well to consult the Premier League’s greatest vocalist, Andrei Arshavin.

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Of all the ways of winning a free kick, pretending to be floored by a piece of cloth has to be the worst

In a recent  match between Corinthians and Palmeiras, (fat) Ronaldo managed to score his first Campeonato Brasileiro Série A goal in over 15 years.

This wasn’t the only historic event to take place during the game, however, as Argentinean midfielder Sergio Escudero became the first player stupid enough to pretend to be struck by a linesman’s flag. Quite what was going through his mind when he attempted this crappy bit of play-acting is anyone’s guess.

[The Offside]