Posh-named lady you may see hanging around Adams Park

With their cauliflowered ears, barbaric day jobs and propensity to dip their genitals into the beverages of their associates, rugby players tend not to score as well as their preened footballing counterparts on the WAG front. However, London Wasps and England star James Haskell has proved that egg chasers do not need to own hair straighteners and chest wax to snare a beauty (we’re looking at you, Henson). Haskell’s off-pitch interest is Felicia Field-Hall, who by all accounts, is terribly posh. She probably says ’squiffy’ instead of ‘drunk’, and things like that.

The best sports on the telebox this weekend

Over the next few days, lads from good ol’ Blighty will be hawking their sporting wares on both sides of the equator: the rugger team will struggle to defeat the Irish on home soil, the cricket team will struggle to cover up their embarrassing first test in New Zealand, and tiny little Lewis Hamilton will probably struggle to defeat the might of Kimi Räikkönen in Australia (although I tip him to get pole at 5/2). Whether you have faith in our boys or not, show your alliances with a punt using the best odds available.

FRIDAY

Cricket - second test
New Zealand/ England (Sky Sports 1, 9pm)

Formula One
Australian GP Qualifying (ITV1, 2.15am) - chickendinner betting preview here

SATURDAY

Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Celtic (Setanta Sports 1, 12.30pm)

Six Nations
Italy/ Scotland (BBC1, 1pm)
England/ Ireland (BBC1, 3pm)
Wales/ France (BBC1, 5pm) - chickendinner betting preview here

Six Nations, Sat 8 March, 3.15pm, BBC1, bet here

Over the last few years the sleek gentlemen who run English rugby have made much of the need for “elite performance”, untroubled by the fear that Director of Elite Performance is possibly the most pompous job title since Idi Amin started calling himself Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and the Fishes of the Sea. If they are being honest, the performance of the England team has been not so much “elite” as “crap at times” and “frustrating.” In Scotland, though, their problems are graver, as they seem to have built themselves a Dr Frankenstein’s Academy to develop players - excellent at churning out creatures with huge necks and impressive musculature, but not so good at successfully carrying out instructions yet. England really should outwit the slow-minded monsters at the weekend, by a margin of more than 12.5 points - England have beaten Scotland in eight out of their last ten meetings, seven of them by more than a 12.5 point gap.

The statistics

* Scotland go into the game on a terrible run of form, having lost all three Six Nations games so far (to France, Wales and Ireland).

Tis the season for sportsmen all over the country to behave like idiots

Great, it’s Christmas, everyone will be full of cheer. The only downer is that when the free grog is flowing, easily-led sportsmen tend to come unstuck and morph into animals. Welcome to shaming season - Henson, Pizarro and Cattermole are up first.

The Accused: Gavin Henson (rugby player)

The Crime: Boarding a train from Reading to Wales with three of his gruesome rugger mates and horrifying fellow passengers (including tiny little children) with blue language and outrageous antics. Antics that included thumping each other, spewing all over the place, then weeing in a carriage. The final outrage came when Henson called a special needs teacher a “fat cunt”.

The Spoiler Verdict: An utterly loathesome rugby oik, such obnoxious behaviour should see him chained to rocks and punched in the face by the offended children. As things stand, his club apologised instead.

The Accused: Claudio Pizarro (footballer)

The Crime: Allegedly the Peru skipper/ Chelsea sub spent an evening in a luxury South American hotel, Las Inkas, making passionate sex with prostitutes whilst extremely high on alcohol. This came but days before his side was thrashed 5-1 by the little people of Ecuador.

The Spoiler Verdict: Perhaps Pizarro is spending too much time with Coley and JT over at Chelsea? He could do with having a night in with the quieter/more mature players, like Makelele. His national coach says that if it’s true he won’t be playing for Peru ever again.

The Accused: Lee Cattermole (footballer)

The Crime: The Sun reports that Middlesbrough midfield thug Cattermole is facing a three-year ban from his favourite pubs in Yarm, Teeside, after him and his mates spent an entire day smashed out of their brains, being sickeningly abusive to anyone within earshot. He managed to get thrown out of four pubs in one day.

The Spoiler Verdict: Cleveland Police took it upon themselves to have a strong word with the 19-year-old thug. The Spoiler would advise a harder line - cut off his hands!