Let’s get ready to rumble…

Ignoring England’s ridiculous, money-spinning, injury-ravaged jaunt to Brazil; and the baffling decision to put the first friendly anyone might have given a toss about for ages firmly out of physical reach of the average fan, there are some actually important games going on this weekend.

The World Cup 2010 UEFA playoffs start tomorrow, complete with added seeding-system nonsense, as eight European teams fight it out for four of the remaining nine places. Who will take a first leg advantage?

Ireland vs France

Shots have been fired by players and diplomats alike, prior to this weekend’s marquee clash. Raymond Domenech’s job rests on the outcome, which in turn rests the surety of his centre-back pairing - currently Gallas plus ‘whoever wants a go’. This one may be closer than the French team care to admit.

Don’t give Gordon any ideas

Whilst taxes on cigarettes, alcohol and even fatty foods are lapped up by meddling governments, a tax on that luxury item of air has yet to be announced by the men in suits. Someone must be pulling the wool over Andrei Arshavin’s eyes in that case given his recent comments:

“In domestic terms, I confess, it is difficult. They say that a foreigner only adapts to London after living there for a year, so I still have three months left! Here you have to pay every step of the way. Sometimes I have to shell out to breathe!”

Arshavin also managed to fund just enough oxygen to pant and gasp out one more thing.

“The most beautiful football isn’t here, but at Barcelona. But after them, perhaps Arsenal - we are probably missing two top players.”

Hmmm. Probably not money well spent there Andrei…

Blatter is warming the balls as we speak

Republic of Ireland vs France

Portugal vs Bosnia

Greece vs Ukraine

Russia vs Slovenia

Thespoiler is nothing if not topical. Hence we’re bringing you live coverage of the play-off draw for the European Qualifiers. Matches will be played on the 14th and 18th of November - countries listed first are at home

Let us know your thoughts straight away below..

Arsenal star bans his WAG from criticising England

Andrei Arshavin’s childlike wife Julia didn’t get of to the best of starts on these shores, when she claimed English people were “too reserved”, the food was rubbish and the country was “dull”.

Since these indiscreet comments, the Arsenal star has transformed the nation’s opinion of his Russian WAG. Did he do this by posing for fun family photos in wardrobes? Did he mastermind the kind of PR charm offensive that transformed Cheryl Cole from a toilet attendant-punching racist to the nation’s sweetheart? Nope, he maintained his ‘traditional‘ view of women and demanded that she hush her gums:

“I’ve prohibited her from complaining about life in England. Since then, there have been no more criticisms.”

Spoiler bonus: Here are the Arshavins posing for Russian Hello magazine, and here they are in personal photos the Meerkat-alike posted to his website.

Malawian striker rewarded for hoofing it up the field

During a Russian second division match for FC KAMAZ Naberezhnye Chelny (what, you’ve never heard of them?), Malawian striker Essau Kanyenda opted to punt a long ball up the field, rather than attempt to play football. Thanks to the kind of defending that wouldn’t even be acceptable in the MLS, his hoofed effort landed in the back of the net.

Kanyenda would be the most embarrassed man on the pitch if it wasn’t for the stranded keeper, who was probably too preoccupied with trying to pronounce the opposition’s name to defend the goal.

[101GG]

The partner of the Prem’s biggest misogynist

When Andrei Arshavin wheezed his way over to England in January, he brought three things from his Russian homeland: his fierce fashion sense, his passion for pulling sex faces and his ‘wife’, Julia Arshavin.

We say ‘wife’ in inverted commas, as the couple are in fact not married, but the 28-year-old Arsenal star refers to her as his spouse anyway. It’s a bit like us saying Stan Collymore is our ‘friend’ because we follow him on Twitter. Well, we would follow him if he accepted our request. The grumpy so and so.

Russian PM helps out his oligarch mate at the Bridge

The one who belongs to the lead character from The Passion of the Christ is on the cusp of signing his fate away to Florentino Perez’s Real Madrid.

Sky Sport Italia believe the deal will be formally struck at midnight tonight, at which point Kaka will give a press conference in Brazil. Madrid-based newspaper Marca say Madrid have sent Dr Juan Carlos Hernandez to South America, where he will carry out a medical today. At first, The Spoiler questioned whether Marca had made up a name as stereotypically Spanish as Juan Carlos Hernandez, but he is indeed Los Blancos’ head of medical services.

The most intriguing Kaka-related story in Marca, however, is the one in the purple banner in the picture above. Apparently, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has phoned Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi to persuade him to sell Kaka to Roman Abramovich’s Chelsea.

Quite why Putin would feel the need to involve himself in such affairs is anyone’s guess, but in light of the imminent deal with Real Madrid, it would seem the man from behind the Iron Curtain doesn’t hold as much influence as he may like in the higher echelons of Italian government.

Arsenal star shows his London lifestyle to the folks back home

After revealing his fancy London pad and fabulous fashion sensibilities via amateur photos on his official website, Andrei Arshavin has taken things a step further by posing for a cover feature in the Russian version of Hello! Magazine.

The Spoiler can’t think of many other footballers who would happily sell pictures of their young children to be put on the front of a glossy magazine, but  things are very different in Russia. They put the letter ‘R’ backwards for one thing. Seriously, they do. It’s mental.

According to our friends at ONTD, Andrei tells Hello! about his nice neighbours and his relative anonymity in London - he and wife Julia can walk around London undisturbed, something that would cause a frenzy in Saint Petersburg.

Arshavin also spills the beans on his love of condensed milk (a dairy affinity he shares with his son) and his friendship with Roman Pavlyuchenko. Fortunately, he manages to restrain himself from letting any more of his trademark overt misogyny slip out.

For more pictures of the babyfaced star, his equally childlike wife and nipper Artyom, click ‘Read More’. Our personal favourite is the charming snap of the family sitting in a wardrobe, wishing they owned a couch…