Be afraid Europe, these guys will KILL you

Arab owner happy to pay any amount for 32-year-old striker

According to Spanish rag Marca, one of the gazillion forwards on Dr Sulaiman Al-Fahim’s wishlist was Ruud van Nistelrooy. Before closing the Brazilian man-o’-sex deal, City representatives asked how much the Dutchman would cost, but were told by Los Blancos that he was definitely not for sale. The Manchester club, evidently drunk on their newfound wealth, responded by offering a cheque on which Ramon Calderon and co could put an amount they considered appropriate. Madrid still said no, but the temptation to charge £100bn must have been mighty tempting…

Eleven men, all hated by one man

United players fall into two distinct camps: the ones Sir Alex will personally visit over Christmas for a cuddle - Giggs, Irwin, Solksjaer, Neville, Scholsie - and those he’ll spy on from a nearby tree, whispering profanities under his breath - Dwight Yorke, Becks, and now Cristiano Ronaldo. Ferguson does not tolerate certain characters, and as things stand, the gelled-up winger looks likely to be playing himself into this team of rebels, all of whom still send angry chills up Ferguson’s aging spine.

GK Jim Leighton
Leighton was riding the crest of a wave in his early Man United days, with even Brian Clough saying “Jim Leighton is a rare bird - a Scottish goalkeeper that can be relied on.” But then Sir Alex axed him from the 1990 FA Cup final replay against Palace, sending the keeper into a downward spiral, involving anger, shame, Les Sealey, and, eventually, Dundee.

DL Gabriel Heinze
The future was so bright for Heinze (pronounced “hent-zay” apparently) - United fans loved him, his hair was only second in footballing terms to Ginola’s. But then it all went hideously wrong. His body revolted, Ferguson embarked on a love affair with Patrice Evra, and Gabriel could no longer be guaranteed the satin starting shirt he so yearned for. He threw an almighty strop, and finally Ferguson bundled him in the direction of Real Madrid - simultaneously ignoring the clamour from Liverpool.

The Spoiler considers Euro 2008’s aesthetically challenged stars

If the 1997 Oscar-winning Italian World War II film Life Is Beautiful taught us anything, it’s that beauty can be found even in the darkest of circumstances. Yet sometimes, even the beautiful game is plagued by the ‘handsomely impaired’. What follows is a squad that may be described as ‘ugly’, ‘fugly’ and perhaps most harshly, ‘pug fugly’. Read on if you dare…

1. Rüştü Reçber

The war paint and ‘face art’ are distracting, but not quite distracting enough.

2. Ludovic Magnin

You know life isn’t fair when you grow up to be bald and ginger.

3. Carles Puyol

It’s not 1976 - get a haircut, hippy!

4. Philippe Senderos

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Today’s link are brought to you in association with Bill O’Reilly, the only man on television who does not know what ‘to play us out’ means

Gillett and Hicks claim £1.4million in expenses from Liverpool for ‘flights’
[The Sun]

NSFW: Zoo’s Euro 2008 Strip-Off
[Zoo]

Premier League referees’ chief Keith Hackett says Ruud van Nistelrooy’s massively offside goal was actually onside
[BBC]

Don’t bet on Holland winning Euro 2008
[chickendinner]

Bad idea alert: WAG Jessica Simpson wants Tony Romo in her new music video
[NBC Dallas]

Pamela Anderson at the Canadian Grand Prix
[Grid Crasher]

Dutchman endorses former foe to annoy former employer

May 2006: Ruud has a training ground spat with C-Ron, which ends in him telling the young Portuguese to “Go crying to your daddy”. Ronaldo’s father had died earlier that season. The feud sparked his transfer to Madrid.

5th June 2008: Van Nistelrooy becomes the latest Real Madrid staffer to try and coax Cristiano to Spain:

“He’d be an important signing for Madrid because this is a club which signs the best players in the world, and that’s what Cristiano is.

“Cristiano could bring a lot of things to this club. He’s young, he has everything and a long sporting career ahead of him.

“For Madrid he would be a great signing.”

Oh Ruudy, the lengths to which you are willing to go to wind up Sir Alex are impressive…

[Quote: Manchester Evening News]

The home of Young Boys falls foul of rude semantics

In a bid to inject a little life into a neutral tournament in a neutral country, Oirish bookmakers Paddy Power have put up some tongue-in-cheek novelty markets. Currently, you can get 15/8 on Cristiano Ronaldo crying in the quarter-finals, and 100/1 on the Portuguese hiring a transsexual prostitute before missing a penalty.

Yet their best effort is entitled ‘First player to be pulled off at the Wankdorf Stadium?’ These days, the stadium is technically called Stade de Suisse, but the opportunity to make Ruud van Nistelrooy (favourite at 11/2) the victim of a sexually-charged pun is simply too good to pass up. His name is ‘Ruud’, which sounds like ‘rude’ - get it? Yeah, you get it.

To see Paddy Power’s Euro 2008 specials market and to receive a free £10 bet, click here.

Spoilsport Update: Rather coyly, they have renamed the Wankdorf market ‘First player to be subbed in Italy/ Holland’. Boooo.