Ryan Giggs: True Red pulls out all the stars

On Monday, a DVD celebrating Ryan Giggs’ illustrious 17-year career will be released, and in celebration a premiere of the film was held in Manchester. Carlos Tevez, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wes Brown, Rio Ferdinand, Anderson, Nani, Patrice Evra, Nemanja Vidic, Park Ji-Sung, Dimitar Berbatov, Owen Hargreaves, Jonny Evans, John O’Shea and Michael Carrick all walked the carpet rocking a snazzy jeans/ white shirt/ blazer combo in honour of the Welshman. Rio even augmented his outfit with a cravat, making him look dead sophisticated.

Celebrity fans Angus Deyton, Peter Hook and monkey man Ian Brown also turned out, but those reinforced crowd barriers were severly tested by the cream of Manchester’s acting talent, including True Red narrator Ralf Little, Will Mellor, Max Beesley and Corrie’s Kevin Webster.

Liam Fray of The Courteneers said:

Welshman is willing to meet all of his manager’s demands

Sir Alex and Mr Giggs’ horseplay isn’t clearly pleasing everyone - look at the disgusted lady on the right.

Click here to see the full Sporno gallery

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

Ferguson looks into a rose tinted mirror

The sad decline of Gazza tells you all you need to know about life after football - it can be pretty traumatic. Now that the limelight has gone off him, and with nowhere to channel his demons, he appears to be in the grip of depression and - apparently - total mental breakdown. It could have been so different, or so says Sir Alex Ferguson.

The Man United boss famously tried to sign Gazza before he went off to Spurs, and has reportedly told the people of Sky Sports that it was his doomed trip to London that eventually frazzled his mind

Unfamiliar guest brings the party down

Picture the scene: you’ve just won the biggest cup in Europe, and not only that, you’ve also broken the appearance record at your club, Man United. You’re dancing around drinking in the atmosphere with your great mates Wes Brown and Rio Ferdinand. Ferds just winked at you and mouthed “you’re the best” - you never thought there could be such thing as the perfect day. And then you glance to your left, and everything falls apart. A stranger has crashed your party, and now you’re on a massive downer.

“Who the hell are you?” you shout.

“Mikael Silvestre,” he pleads, “I play for your team.”

Yeah, right.

Like that’s even a real name. Security!

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…

United striker immortalised in cheap wooden form

Like so many things in life, it’s the simple stuff that brings the purest joy. A child’s laughter, Lennie Bennett on the radio, Russian dolls. Especially Russian dolls. Like, in particular, this one from Latvia (pictured)

Hand carved by a slave (presumably), the outer shell showcases Wayne Rooney’s unearthly beauty contrasted against a proud Union Jack, and further delving unleashes a smaller Giggs, then a Ronaldo, and then a tiny little Alan Smith, complete with ugly gurning face and peroxide blonde hair. Perfect for a small child.

At only £30 (with an extra £12 piled on top for postage), this promises to grace your mantelpiece, then live happily in a dusty family attic for years to come.

For United fans only.