With The African Cup of Nations set to deprive the Premier League of some wonderful players for the majority of January, The Spoiler thought it absolutely necessary to compile a team of the most brilliant Africans who won’t be representing their clubs for a hefty chunk of the New Year.
Feel free to leave your thoughts on the XI in the form of a comment…
Goalkeeper, Richard Kingson (Wigan Athletic and Ghana)
Kingson did so well in the 2008 African Cup of Nations that he was named in the All-Star Team directly after the tournament. Over at Wigan, however, barring a crippling injury to Chris Kirkland - who conceded nine against Spurs, by the way - he probably shan’t be missed too much.
Right Back, John Paintsil (Fulham and Ghana)
West Ham fans might remember John Paintsil as the energetic defender, incorrectly dubbed “Pantsil” on the back of his shirt, who used to spring into action from the bench. Thankfully, over at Fulham he’s had a much more productive (and correctly spelt) time of things, and shall leave behind a big gaping hole at the back. The fans really adore it when he does his laps of honour, so they say. They’ll miss those.
It’s always good to search for a silver lining, because the world is a thoroughly depressing place most of the time. Yet, there is a fine line between optimism and delusion, and it seems that Salomon Kalou might have just crossed it.
Talking to the Daily Mirror, the Chelsea bench warmer said this of the looming African Cup of Nations cloud above Stamford Bridge:
“I think Chelsea will be even better because there are players who don’t play a lot at the moment, who will have the opportunity in January. I’m sure they’re going to give 200 per cent to show the manager they should have a place in the team.”
“Even when Didier leaves, you still have Nicolas Anelka who can always score goals, you still have Joe Cole who is back and on good form. You still have Deco, Michael Ballack. I could go on.”
Please do, Salomon. Please do.
In other news, The Guardian report that Thierry Henry is still a million miles away from shirking the handball-shaped albatross that hangs from his neck, as Sepp Blatter is now gathering up a disciplinary posse to ride into town and discuss the possibility of a World Cup ban on the Frenchman for cheating.
As for word from the transfer market, it looks like Sir Alex Ferguson has cemented a four-year contract extension for the teenage Sean Penn-alike Federico Macheda. Whilst Aston Villa are supposedly talking very quietly about giving Jermaine Pennant another shot in the Premier League. They wouldn’t be the first…
Chelsea forward bags himself an arty American model
Avram Grant has never struck The Spoiler as the gambling type, but the Israeli was snapped at a Mayfair casino last week. The former Chelsea boss was joined at the roulette wheel by his former subject Salomon Kalou, who was romancing his current ladyfriend, American fashion model Najah Wakil.
The crossed arms gesture was not a controversial “shout out” to a friend in the slammer or a show of support for Ivory Coast political activist Antoine Assale Tiemoko, but simply a replication of the design of the Konvict Muzik logo.
For those who aren’t cool (or who didn’t just look it up on Wikipedia), that’s a record label that has fifteen-minutes-of-fame-are-nearly-over electronica artist Lady Gaga on its books, and is owned by Akon.
Kalou met the annoying rapper at a show at the IndigO2 earlier this week, and was presented with a commemorative disc by his American pal.
Spoiler bonus: If you attend an Akon concert, don’t throw stuff at him. His bodyguards will bring you to him and he’ll bodyslam you. He’s that tough…
Thanks to Middlesbrough’s laughable attempts at defending corners, Salomon Kalou bagged both of Chelsea’s goals at Stamford Bridge last night (see the other one here). He followed each with a ‘hand face mask’ and ‘crossed arms’ celebration.
Some are saying it was a gesture in support of Ivory Coast political activist Antoine Assale Tiemoko, while others believe he really likes the X Factor. A spokesman from Chelsea’s Incredulous Exuse Department, however, believes it was a completely arbitrary celebration:
“He was just trying out a new celebration and it was a crossing of the arms.
“He also sometimes puts his hand over his face like a mask.”
Just trying out a new celebration? Did he hold a focus group afterwards, to help him develop new celebrations for future games?
If anyone knows what it was really about, pray tell below…
For every Premiership star, there is a gaggle of decidedly average teammates skulking about in his shadows. These players are neither outstanding nor terrible, they are simply hard workers with a tendency to go about their job with little fuss - probably because they don’t want to draw attention to their lack of class.
The Spoiler has lovingly compiled a starting in tribute to these headline-dodging work horses, and no, it’s not just the Middlesbrough team…
GK: Kasper Schmeichel
City’s number two shot stopper isn’t a bad keeper, but he’s no class act - it probably doesn’t help that his dad was one of the best shot stoppers the Premier League has ever seen. It’s almost tragic at how much worse he is than Schmeichel senior but at ;east he is a better use of genetic material than George Best’s profesional moron son Calum.
RB: Phil Neville
The crappier Neville brother has represented England 59 times, and is Everton’s current captain. Yet he’s never been that good at anything other than tackling.
CB: Steven Taylor
The Newcastle defender has the odd impressive performance, but if he could sustain it, maybe Shay ‘I-have-to-face-way-too-many-shots-a-match’ Given would want to stay.
CB: Anton Ferdinand
They share the same parents, play at centre back, think dodgy braids are equally cool
Perhaps one day someone will start a sentence with “there’s an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman” without it being a joke about people in boxes saying “potatoes” - it could even be used to introduce a Great British football line up. How wonderful would that be? Although, of course, the Irishman would have to come from the less green-grassy part of the emerald isle, and more the cobbled street bit where horses run wild (that’s the north, right?). Until that day, though, we’re going to have to content ourselves by gazing jealously at the other countries who get to call their footballers Olympians. Here’s eleven to keep a hungry eye on this year…
GK Brad Guzan, USA
Aston Villa’s (other) new American goalkeeper called Brad, the USA’s decision to make him one of their three over-23 players - he turns 24 during the tournament - shows just how great he is. That, of course, will count for nothing when he gets to Villa and warms the bench for the next decade, as Friedel becomes steadily more decrepit but still brilliant.
DL Marcelo, Brazil
Real Madrid signed the left wing-back in 2007 and he became a regular starter last season, pushing Gabriel Heinze into the centre. Unsurprisingly, he gets compared to Roberto Carlos - everyone does - and found the net on his international debut against Wales.
DC Vincent Kompany, Belgium
For those who spend their weekends playing Football Manager instead of talking to girls, you already know this guy, he’s one of the best buys in the game, damn it! And as it turns out, the 22-year-old isn’t too shabby in real life either. Right now he’s at Martin Jol’s Hamburg, and The Spoiler’s computerised West Ham.
DC Ezequiel Garay, Argentina
With all the Ronaldo talk this summer, Garay’s arrival at the
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