Appearing in the Premier League for one season only…

Only once in Premier League history have all three promoted sides gone straight back down (Barnsley, Bolton and Palace in 1997/98) and for that reason it’s unlikely that West Brom, Stoke and Hull will all make a swift return to the Championship. Then again, looking at our team comprising the three newcomers’ best players, they’ll have their work cut out. Even Bolton wouldn’t touch most of these guys…

[Now including eleventh man George Boateng, a player who always slips under the radar, which might explain how we managed to leave him out of our initial list! - Ed.]

Scott Carson (West Brom)
A season away from the spotlight will benefit the 22-year-old whose form last season was clearly affected by the scrutiny that followed his England error. Carson’s last relegation battle was with Charlton two years ago and their fans voted him Player of the Year.

Marek Cech (West Brom)
The Slovakian left-back scored the equaliser that killed off Ireland’s slim Euro 2008 qualification hopes once and for all. He ended three seasons at Porto with three league titles and arrives with Champions League experience - not that the Baggies will be needing that!

Leon Cort (Stoke)
Neil Warnock’s decision to offload Carl Cort’s younger bro couldn’t have worked out better for the centre-back, with Stoke coming to his rescue and then taking him to the Premier League. Cort has

Today’s transfer activity, written down using words

West Brom’s new goalkeeper Scott Carson, who made four league appearances in three-and-a-half years at Liverpool, has told Gareth Barry that he would be a fool to turn down a move to Anfield. “I think if he wants to leave he should really,” said Carson, who refused to confirm reports that he spent his years on the Liverpool bench reading books on offering career guidance.

Carson managed to embarrass himself further by claiming that Liverpool never told him that he was no longer needed, they simply let him know he was being replaced. He said: “They never said that they definitely didn’t want me, they said they

This morning’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

The Spoiler recently questioned why Rafael Benitez was selling Peter Crouch, one of his few strikers, to raise money to buy yet another midfielder. It looks like he hasn’t learnt his lesson, as he is now attempting to offload Andrei Voronin for £3 million. The reason? You’ve guessed it: to fund the Barry bid. The fashion conscious England hater won’t be missed, despite five goals in 13 league starts.

Dimitar Berbatov to Man United
The Spoiler was impressed with Sir Alex Ferguson’s professionalism yesterday after he announced his bid for a player without naming him. That was until we picked up today’s copy of The Sun and saw it plastered with quotes about Fergie wanting Berbatov.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Maybe Real Madrid aren’t the only club without morals

Rob Green to Aston Villa
West Ham’s player of the season feels unappreciated because he is the club’s lowest-paid first-teamer and had his request for a new contract snubbed at the same time Dean Ashton got a rise. Hearing that Freddie Ljungberg could be given millions to disappear won’t have helped matters.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The board know it would be a season ticket sales disaster if the fans’ favourite leaves

Sunderland get ripped off again
Any Mackems hoping Sunderland wouldn’t be burning millions

Today’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

Lets all take a minute to laugh at Real Madrid. They unscrupulous Spaniards unsettled Robinho by trying to offload him in exchange for Cristiano Ronaldo, and right now, it looks like they may end up without the services of either player. Chelsea are thought to have offered £48 million for the Brazilian man-o’-sex, which could leave Los Blancos without a playmaker, and a La Liga title, next season.

Gareth Barry to Arsenal
Martin O’Neill says that Arsenal have also expressed interest in the once-loyal captain, and may look to hijack Liverpool’s drawn out attempts to sign him if they fail to meet the asking price.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: O’Neill wants rid now, as shown by making this news public, something he previously criticised Benitez for.

David Bentley to Aston Villa
Yesterday all the talk was about Bentley finalising a deal to Tottenham but Paul Ince revealed that Spurs have not even made a bid. Villa have, and despite Ince’s claims that he wants the winger to stay, could he be making it public to start a bidding war?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Villa and Spurs have more appeal than Blackburn

Nomadic keeper favours outside of building over toilet

If Mr Carson is trying to work his way back into Rafa’s good books, he probably isn’t going the right way about it. His impression of a drunk outside a kebab shop at 3.30am was caught at Liverpool’s Melwood training ground earlier today.

And yes, that is his finger.

An entire team of gentlemen looking for a new employer

The transfer window is now wide open, and there are countless players itching to increase their fortunes by kissing the crest of a new club. Here’s eleven of the greediest best…

Scott Carson
Liverpool are so fed up with Carson that they would rather bring in a shiny new reserve keeper like Antti Niemi. Aston Villa chucked him too, so Scott is simply begging for someone to pick him up.

Potential suitors: Middlesbrough, West Brom

Nicky Shorey
This time last year, Shorey was strutting his stuff in the England squad and was supposedly the apple of West Ham’s eye. He stayed aboard the Good Ship Reading and watched it capsize in May, and now wants another taste of the Premier League.

Potential suitors: West Ham, Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Anton Ferdinand
The younger Ferdinand has gone from being charged with assault to becoming one of the most sought-after defenders in the Premier League. It’s hard to see Joey Barton’s transformation going that smoothly.

Potential suitors: Tottenham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Richard Dunne
They don’t bother voting for Man City’s player of the year any more because this guy wins all the time. Dunne was upset with Sven’s sacking and eager to leave, though rumours suggest Mark Hughes may have talked him round.

Potential suitors: Portsmouth, Tottenham, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Pascal Chimbonda
Juande Ramos employed subtle techniques to let the Frenchman know he isn’t wanted, like signing two new players in his position months after taking over. But if you cast aside his idiotic tendencies, Chimbonda is a talented

The Spoiler considers the footballing talent you rather see warm someone else’s bench next season

Much like when a hot girl comes for an interview at your place of work, the feeling of knowing a quality player could be joining your club is pretty uplifting. However, unless you support Manchester Utd, Chelsea or Arsenal, occasionally a player who provokes a combined feeling of fear, disappointment and mild anger will crop up on the rumour radar. Even Liverpool suffer a little from ropeytransferitis, with names like Stewart Downing and James Milner not exactly living up to last summer’s star signing Fernando Torres.

With this in mind, we decided to compile a list of the ten names most likely to make you choke on your Corn Flakes when the back pages associate them with your side. Let’s get things started with a couple of Frenchmen…

Djibril Cisse
The French striker flopped during his spell at Liverpool but that doesn’t stop him believing that we all love him, judging by his determination to return to the Premier League. We don’t Djibril, we don’t.

Lillian Thuram
Even Lil realises that he’s not that popular after being dumped by Barcelona and failing with France. “I would like to continue to play but I don’t know if a club wants me,” he said last week. Celtic and Rangers have been linked but Scots can rest easy as he now appears to be PSG-bound.

Justin Hoyte
Perfect proof that playing with some really good players once or twice a season doesn’t make you a really good player. Maybe Martin O’Neill thinks he could do a Bentley and flourish away from the Emirates, but his loan spell at Sunderland suggested that simply won’t happen.

Harry Kewell
The Socceroo was one of the most exciting players in the Premier League…five years ago. After a few years rotting in hospital beds and in Liverpool’s reserve team he is damaged goods. Thankfully it’s looking like he will take WAG Sheree Murphy off to Italy.

Stephen Carr
Kevin Keegan is happy playing

King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak