Oh, for another Banksy!

The debates about who should play where for England will rage with increasing ferocity over the coming months. Friends will fall out, young lovers will be forced to go their separate ways due to an inability to agree on the correct line-up of the starting midfield. Old women will write their grandchildren out of their wills for daring to suggest that Michael Owen might be worth another shot.

It’s going to be brutal, and from now until World Cup kick-off, The Spoiler will be presenting these problems, and starting the important discussions, with today’s centred on exactly who should be standing in between the sticks when England come face-to-face with the USA on 12th June.

These men have ample reason to grumble… 

Well, nice one England, you’ve done it again. You’ve wasted another yet another glorious player, and Steven Gerrard is now doomed to spend his autumn years mumbling in pubs about what might have been, alongside Le Tissier, McManaman, Fowler, and nobody’s favourite evangelist, Glenn Hoddle.

Above is The Spoiler’s dream XI of players either mismanaged or completely overlooked by England managers past and present. In goal, Scott Carson is unlikely to recover from the most bizarre and dreadful competitive international debut against Croatia (McClaren’s final insult), Arsenal’s Lee Dixon and Nigel Winterburn were criminally blanked by the likes of Bobby Robson and Terry Venables.

Appearing in the Premier League for one season only…

Only once in Premier League history have all three promoted sides gone straight back down (Barnsley, Bolton and Palace in 1997/98) and for that reason it’s unlikely that West Brom, Stoke and Hull will all make a swift return to the Championship. Then again, looking at our team comprising the three newcomers’ best players, they’ll have their work cut out. Even Bolton wouldn’t touch most of these guys…

[Now including eleventh man George Boateng, a player who always slips under the radar, which might explain how we managed to leave him out of our initial list! - Ed.]

Scott Carson (West Brom)
A season away from the spotlight will benefit the 22-year-old whose form last season was clearly affected by the scrutiny that followed his England error. Carson’s last relegation battle was with Charlton two years ago and their fans voted him Player of the Year.

Marek Cech (West Brom)
The Slovakian left-back scored the equaliser that killed off Ireland’s slim Euro 2008 qualification hopes once and for all. He ended three seasons at Porto with three league titles and arrives with Champions League experience - not that the Baggies will be needing that!

Leon Cort (Stoke)
Neil Warnock’s decision to offload Carl Cort’s younger bro couldn’t have worked out better for the centre-back, with Stoke coming to his rescue and then taking him to the Premier League. Cort has

Today’s transfer activity, written down using words

West Brom’s new goalkeeper Scott Carson, who made four league appearances in three-and-a-half years at Liverpool, has told Gareth Barry that he would be a fool to turn down a move to Anfield. “I think if he wants to leave he should really,” said Carson, who refused to confirm reports that he spent his years on the Liverpool bench reading books on offering career guidance.

Carson managed to embarrass himself further by claiming that Liverpool never told him that he was no longer needed, they simply let him know he was being replaced. He said: “They never said that they definitely didn’t want me, they said they

This morning’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

The Spoiler recently questioned why Rafael Benitez was selling Peter Crouch, one of his few strikers, to raise money to buy yet another midfielder. It looks like he hasn’t learnt his lesson, as he is now attempting to offload Andrei Voronin for £3 million. The reason? You’ve guessed it: to fund the Barry bid. The fashion conscious England hater won’t be missed, despite five goals in 13 league starts.

Dimitar Berbatov to Man United
The Spoiler was impressed with Sir Alex Ferguson’s professionalism yesterday after he announced his bid for a player without naming him. That was until we picked up today’s copy of The Sun and saw it plastered with quotes about Fergie wanting Berbatov.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Maybe Real Madrid aren’t the only club without morals

Rob Green to Aston Villa
West Ham’s player of the season feels unappreciated because he is the club’s lowest-paid first-teamer and had his request for a new contract snubbed at the same time Dean Ashton got a rise. Hearing that Freddie Ljungberg could be given millions to disappear won’t have helped matters.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The board know it would be a season ticket sales disaster if the fans’ favourite leaves

Sunderland get ripped off again
Any Mackems hoping Sunderland wouldn’t be burning millions

Today’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

Lets all take a minute to laugh at Real Madrid. They unscrupulous Spaniards unsettled Robinho by trying to offload him in exchange for Cristiano Ronaldo, and right now, it looks like they may end up without the services of either player. Chelsea are thought to have offered £48 million for the Brazilian man-o’-sex, which could leave Los Blancos without a playmaker, and a La Liga title, next season.

Gareth Barry to Arsenal
Martin O’Neill says that Arsenal have also expressed interest in the once-loyal captain, and may look to hijack Liverpool’s drawn out attempts to sign him if they fail to meet the asking price.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: O’Neill wants rid now, as shown by making this news public, something he previously criticised Benitez for.

David Bentley to Aston Villa
Yesterday all the talk was about Bentley finalising a deal to Tottenham but Paul Ince revealed that Spurs have not even made a bid. Villa have, and despite Ince’s claims that he wants the winger to stay, could he be making it public to start a bidding war?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Villa and Spurs have more appeal than Blackburn

Nomadic keeper favours outside of building over toilet

If Mr Carson is trying to work his way back into Rafa’s good books, he probably isn’t going the right way about it. His impression of a drunk outside a kebab shop at 3.30am was caught at Liverpool’s Melwood training ground earlier today.

And yes, that is his finger.

An entire team of gentlemen looking for a new employer

The transfer window is now wide open, and there are countless players itching to increase their fortunes by kissing the crest of a new club. Here’s eleven of the greediest best…

Scott Carson
Liverpool are so fed up with Carson that they would rather bring in a shiny new reserve keeper like Antti Niemi. Aston Villa chucked him too, so Scott is simply begging for someone to pick him up.

Potential suitors: Middlesbrough, West Brom

Nicky Shorey
This time last year, Shorey was strutting his stuff in the England squad and was supposedly the apple of West Ham’s eye. He stayed aboard the Good Ship Reading and watched it capsize in May, and now wants another taste of the Premier League.

Potential suitors: West Ham, Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Anton Ferdinand
The younger Ferdinand has gone from being charged with assault to becoming one of the most sought-after defenders in the Premier League. It’s hard to see Joey Barton’s transformation going that smoothly.

Potential suitors: Tottenham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Richard Dunne
They don’t bother voting for Man City’s player of the year any more because this guy wins all the time. Dunne was upset with Sven’s sacking and eager to leave, though rumours suggest Mark Hughes may have talked him round.

Potential suitors: Portsmouth, Tottenham, West Ham, Aston Villa, Newcastle

Pascal Chimbonda
Juande Ramos employed subtle techniques to let the Frenchman know he isn’t wanted, like signing two new players in his position months after taking over. But if you cast aside his idiotic tendencies, Chimbonda is a talented