Hide your faces in shame…

Ug, is there anything worse than having all of your dreams shattered? The short answer is, of course, no, no there isn’t. Yet every year we get all excited and start hailing new saviours for the England football team, here to finally banish a million years of pain. Players like Barnes, Collymore, Gareth Barry, Walcott.

These men came to us like mighty footballing Christs, then gave us nothing but salty tears.

Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. Here’s the worst of the bunch…

GK Chris Kirkland
When Kirkland joined Liverpool in 2001, people went mental, insisting that he was the future England keeper, and would be for hundreds of years to come. Then he kept getting injured, and now Capello has more faith in David James, an 86-year-old gentleman who Liverpool fans once derided for being totally rubbish.

DL Wayne Bridge
What a breath of fresh air Bridge was when he was careering up and down the flanks at Southampton. Some even suggested that he might be better than that hateful little toad, Ashley Cole. Unfortunately, even Wayne Bridge wasn’t buying that one, and he now spends his days earning money for doing nothing, which makes him a total loser/genius.

Proof that clubs are willing to pay much more for domestic goods

The national team couldn’t muster the will to qualify for Euro 2008, but somehow clubs continue to demand mega money for home grown talent. With David Bentley costing a princely sum, Gareth Barry’s non-negotiable fee and Andy Johnson’s imminent trade, it’s clear that players are far too expensive if they were born on this tiny island.

Hence, we think the time is right to consider ten of the most overpriced Englishman currently plying their trade in the Premier League, comparing their lofty prices with some better value foreign equivalents…

Shaun Wright-Phillips
Manchester City were heartbroken to lose their star player to Chelsea, but in hindsight getting £21 million was fantastic business. Four league goals in three seasons compared to ten in his last year at Citeh highlights his failure to step up.
Foreign equivalent: Amantino Mancini to Inter - £10 million

Owen Hargreaves
£17 million might not have been too steep for a 26-year-old midfielder, but his failure to dislodge Michael Carrick, his predecessor in the overpriced stakes, shows he has yet to live up to his price-tag.
Foreign equivalent: Yaya Toure to Barcelona - just over £7 million

Scott Parker
The midfielder moved from Charlton to Chelsea to Newcastle and then to West Ham for a combined fee of £23.5 million, but has still managed just three England caps. Injury limited Parker to 17 league starts last season, meaning West Ham are yet to receive value for their £7 million investment.
Foreign equivalent: Tim Cahill to Everton - £1.5 million

Dave Kitson
The ginger striker’s invaluable contribution to Reading’s relegation battle was

None of these men are the new Pele…

Everyone makes mistakes. After all, wasn’t it someone at Channel 4 who once thought it a delightful idea to lock a beautiful Indian woman in a room with a mob of angry racists? That didn’t quite work out as hoped. Other bad ideas have included - the quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese, fingerless gloves, blind chainsaw practice, and Davina McCall. All of those, however, pale in comparison to this little lot. Terrible decisions the lot of them.

GK Richard Wright
Looked so good when he was hurling himself around at the back for Ipwswich, but then he went to Arsenal and Everton, and proved beyond any reasonable doubt that he wasn’t a very good goalkeeper. Now, he’s not really wanted at West Ham, but everyone’s too scared to tell him. That’s what happens when you’re tall, people just whisper behind your back.

DL Wayne Bridge
That he’s been at Chelsea since 2003, happy to play second fiddle to the world’s second most irksome figure (behind Mugabe), Ashley Cole, tells you everything you need to know about Wayne Bridge. He doesn’t really want to play football.

DC Jonathan Woodgate
Real Madrid thought him worthy of £13.4 million, then he scored an own goal and got a red card on his debut. If anything, it’s been downhill from there. Made of balsa wood.

The Red Devils may have an extra £80m to play with

After exposing the gaps the five London clubs and the Prem newbies need to fill, we have now condiered the manner in which Manchester Utd and Liverpool should redistribute their cash this summer…

Manchester Utd

Top priority:
The best deal for Ronaldo - If he wants out, get shot of him. If United demand big money, Real Madrid are likely to agree and if not, they keep him.
Fergie should demand Wesley Sneijder, who has outperformed Ronaldo at the Euros, in exchange and then use the remaining money to buy another striker.

Fitting the bill: Wesley Sneijder, Dani Guiza, Luis Fabiano, Dimitar Berbatov

Liverpool

Top priority:
A quality winger - Liverpool already boast Gerrard, Mascherano, Alonso, Lucas and Plessis in central midfield so it’s confusing that they make Barry the main priority. Babel is quality, but Kuyt’s a striker and Benayoun and Pennant aren’t good enough.

Fitting the bill: Aiden McGeady, Franck Ribery, Robinho, David Bentley

Spoiler bonus: Here’s who should be on the shopping lists of the other two Merseyside and Manchester clubs…

Everton

Top priority:
A new Lee Carsley -

Once again, our well-trained internet ferret has been thrashing around in cyberspace collating information. Today, the big transfer rumbles sound like this:

Gennaro Gattuso to Tottenham
An Italian newspaper has reported that Gattuso may wish to leave AC Milan in the summer and that Manchester United and Tottenham are leading an £8 million charge for the fiery little midfielder. Being that he talks like a Scot, this could be Sir Alex’s for the nabbing, but the whisper is that Spurs are leading the way.

Zoltan Gera to Wigan
West Brom’s Hungarian playmaker has AGAIN been linked with a move to the JJB, but Wigan’s fans are bored to death of that one – it’s so 2005.