David Beckham - emotional

Whilst the majority of the planet busily arranges an evening of unbelievable binge drinking, hand holding, singing of old songs, and drunkenly attempting to tongue kiss as many people as possible just because it’s midnight and you’re a bit horny, important sports journalists (from the likes of The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Mirror, and The Telegraph) have been putting such mindless frivolity to one side to concentrate on football. Here’s what we know:

Glen Johnson will not be having a Happy New Year, mainly because his knee is completely buggered, and he could be out of action for a good few months. This is obviously a double-bummer, because there’s a big shiny World Cup on the horizon.

No one wants to manage Bolton. Except, perhaps, Fergie’s little boy.

Abramovich has reenacted the biblical tale of the man who throws money at things to make people think that he’s brilliant, by clearing Chelsea’s debts with spare cash that he’d otherwise spend on golden slippers and customised bath robes.

Scott Parker’s continuing UK tour of beautiful football changing rooms could yet find him visiting either Aston Villa, Spurs or Liverpool for an extended stay.

Roman Pavlyuchenko isn’t really paranoid or anything, but he’s still pretty sure that Harry Redknapp’s refusal to play him is a much-intended mockery of the poor Russian. He’ll be off in a few weeks, no doubt to the sound of Harry squeaking, nudging people, and sniggering in the background.

And David Beckham almost broke down in a fit of hysterical high-pitched weeping when he caught wind of AC Milan’s Champions League draw with Man United.

“When I heard about the tie I almost cried.”

There there, Becksie. There there.

Robert Green - Chelsea-bound?

The big talk over at West Ham concerns the £50 million bid for the club by the former Birmingham City honchos David Gold and David Sullivan - or the two Daves, if you like.

It would make for a cut-price deal, one which the Icelanders would be loathed to make. But, with the heavy debt clouds still looming large overhead, this might just be the softest cock-punch on offer.

Gold seems particularly keen on the idea of coming in and mopping up the financial mess. He said this in today’s Daily Mail:

“I’ve had great ties as a young man and as a boy. I played for West Ham from 13 years of age to 16, so it’s not surprising. All of my young life I spent there, so I’ll always have an affiliation with the club until the day I day.”

Either way, the word on the street is that one or two West Ham players will be disappearing overboard during the January Sales.

Robert Green has already been earmarked as the man to put pressure on the very much out-of-sorts Petr Cech over at Chelsea. Ancelotti has apparently lost faith in his hat-wearing keeper once it was pointed out that eleven of Chelsea’s thirteen conceded goals this season have come from set-pieces.

And Liverpool look set to swoop in to nab Scott Parker - quite probably to plug the inevitable Mascherano-shaped gap in advance of next season. 

England/Andorra, World Cup Qualifier, 8.15pm, ITV1

The Three Lions are ever-so-slight 1/200 favourites to make it seven wins out of seven in the World Cup qualifiers against an Andorra side who have never won away from home. This is how The Spoiler would line up.

We disagree with the idea of playing Gary Neville ahead of Glen Johnson, who is a yellow card away from suspension. Fabio Capello wants everyone available to face Croatia at home but we feel having players ruled out for the game after that away to Ukraine could prove just as dangerous.

The biggest talking point is who will partner Frank Lampard in midfield with Gareth Barry suspended and Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves and Scott

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The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

The latest gossip from the transfer rumour mill is likely to make uncomfortable reading for a certain brainy Frenchman…

Cesc Fabregas and Robin van Persie to Barcelona

The Daily Star claim that the La Liga leaders are planning to “rip the heart out of Arsenal” with a £45m bid for their captain and resident William Gallas irritant. Fabregas has been a long term target for the Spaniards, who also feel that RvP “has matured and in ready for the move”.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Fabregas has already said he will make a decision on his future at the end of the season, and both may be tempted by the prospect of league silverware at Barca. Obviously, Wenger will do absolutely everything to keep this pair, but he was powerless to stop delicate little flower Alex Hleb from moving there in the summer.

No one going to Manchester City
Sky Sports are reporting that Mark Hughes has had a “substantial and improved bid” (£12m+ according to some sources) for Roque Santa Cruz rejected. West Ham have also rejected a City bid for Scott Parker and Craig Bellamy.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Blackburn’s attempts to keep their star striker

The latest gossip, rumours and fairly ridiculous lies

On the day that Carlos Tevez tried to make peace with Manchester Utd by slagging them off and touting a move to Spain in a phone call to The Sun, the transfer rumour mill is kicking out some brilliant nonsense…

John Terry to Manchester City
In their morning gossip column, The Guardian report that Manchester City are “about to sign John Terry, David Villa, Lionel Messi or Kaka”.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: It sounds like the Arab owners have been randomly plucking names from their tombola of famous footballers again. It’s pretty unlikely that “Mr Chelsea” will quit the Bridge anytime soon.

Matthew Upson to Arsenal
Professor Wenger is said to be interested in plugging the hole in his central defence with forgotten son Matthew Upson. In order to meet The Hammers’ £16m valuation, Arsenal are willing to throw Nicklas Bendtner

All the latest transfer rumours/gossip/lies

On the fifth day of the transfer window, there are more reports about players staying where they are than there are exciting stories of those moving on to bigger and better things. Here are today’s top rumours:

Scott Parker might not join Manchester City
Any West Ham fans that were hoping Manchester City might solve the clubs’ financial problems in one go by paying over the odds could be left disappointed. Last night Sky Sports delivered the exclusive news that Parker would sign for the club withing 48 hours but this morning they have contradicted their own story by claiming that West Ham have told them they will not be selling the midfielder.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Parker is the big name departure that would damage West Ham the least so nobody should blame the board for selling if Manchester City are really willing to pay £12 million.

Stewart Downing won’t be sold either
Middlesbrough chairman Steve Gibson has vowed that no star players will leave the club this month following reports that Stewart Downing would submit a transfer request today in an attempt to join Tottenham. Boro have also criticised Spurs and Harry Redknapp

The players who should have stayed put in the new year

Provided that Manchester City get their chequebook out and kick start the financial merry-go-round,  this January is sure to bring plenty of interesting movement in the transfer market. With this in Mind, The Spoiler decided to build a team of the worst January deals to go down since the window’s 2003 inception…

Ben Alnwick (Sunderland to Spurs, 2007) - £900,000
He didn’t exactly break the bank, but Alnwick has been at Tottenham for almost two years without troubling the first team. Instead, he has been farmed out on loan to Carlise, Leicester and Luton.

Jan Kromkamp (Villareal to Liverpool, 2006) - Swap
Forget finding Fernando Torres a new strike partner; Benitez’s main problem is deciding on his fullbacks: he has signed two per year for the past three years while the likes of John Arne Riise, Steve Finnan and Stephen Warnock have been shown the door. While Liverpool didn’t pay anything for Kromkamp (he was swapped for another crap right-back Josemi), he was useless. Jan made a handful of appearances but Rafa realised his mistake and moved him on just seven months later.

Jean-Alain Boumsong (Rangers to Newcastle, 2005) - £8m
Boumsong only lasted a year in the north-east but it was enough time to gain him the accolade as one half of ‘the Chuckle Brothers Live Show’, along with comedy sidekick Titus Bramble.

Ricardo Rocha (Benfica to Spurs, 2007) - £3.3m
The Portuguese has made 13 starts in the league over nearly two years and has failed