Two girls, one cup… well, plate

Wow, what a Wimbledon! Who would ever have imagined that Federer would face Nadal in the men’s final? Or that the Williams sisters might meet in the women’s? That’s right, only every single human being on the planet. Even people who have never heard of tennis. That said, there were a couple of minor shocks - the kind one might get from accidentally taking an electric heater into the bath, or popping an index finger into a plug socket.

Two of those surprises took the form of Ivanovic and Sharapova (both pictured below).

Say hello to the strong face of beauty…

There’s no avoiding it, Serena Williams is a whole world of woman. Strong, athletic, muscular - and that’s just the buttocks. Were she a Venn diagram, “buxom”, “sexy” and “gargantuan” would all be overlapping… if that’s what Venn diagrams do. They’re the ones with the circles, right?

A preview of the ladies you’ll see grunting on grass next week

In just three days, the world’s media will be devoting their attention to SW19, where the best grass courts in the world will be covered up while you watch classic replays from the seventies. If the inclement weather stops long enough for a spot of tennis, however, all eyes will be on Maria Sharapova and French Open winner Ana Ivanovic. To whet your appetite for all that much-slower-than-the-mens-but-great-to-watch action, the lovely ladies are staring in a new campaign to promote the hotly-anticipated* Sony Ericsson Championships in Qatar.

*Actually, no one cares that much

Sexy bonus: Here’s a much more impressive advert featuring Ana Ivanovic and Daniella Hantuchova…

That’s right, your eyes did NOT deceive you!

When the Lord God put together the blueprints for Serena Williams, his loyal angels probably thought that was it, this time he really has gone crazy. A statuesque body with a womanly bosom? It can’t be done. Athletes should look like Heike Drechsler - hairy and unappealing - whilst buxom women should be more like Pam Anderson or Sam Fox - aggressively blonde and a bit stupid.

But no, Williams has redefined what it is to look like a herculean athlete, yet still be a buxom gentlewoman. Unfortunately, when she opens her mouth, out comes the strange sound of a Moog keyboard on a bad setting. It’s all in the details, God. All in the details. Speaking of which, here’s why she won’t win Wimbledon…

And not a Mauresmo in sight

Wow, isn’t tennis great? There’s Federer, Nadal, some other guys. It’s just brilliant. Plus, every year, Wimbledon introduces the planet to a new Chris Evert, or Anna Kournikova, or Maria Sharapova. But which of the saucy little lovelies will have Des Lynam cleaning sweat from his moustache in between games this year? Here’s The Spoiler’s top five to look out for - a mixture of old and new.

How the hell is this possible? It’s Spring in Miami and the sun isn’t shining…

Serena Williams’ humps provide distraction