Also appearing on a computer near you…

Fabio Cannavaro inspires the Five Worst Doping Excuses list
[Off The Post]

Sulley Muntari dismisses rumours of a Tottenham switch
[Goal.com]

As always, Sergio Ramos looks ri-god-damn-diculous
[Kickette]

Cheryl Cole is hot, confusing
[Dirty Tackle]

West Ham target Luca Toni wants a move to Napoli
[Daily Mail]

Bye bye Peter Taylor
[LMA]

Carlo Ancelotti backs his former employer Milan to improve, probably with a huge grin on his face
[The Mirror]

Madrid star gives in-depth interview and fierce stare to Shangay

Sergio Ramos has busted out his trademark pouty-squinty pose for Shangay, a gay interest Spanish magazine.

If you were wondering how long it took Ramos to overtly emphasise the fact that he likes girls and has had lots of girlfriends, the answer is not very long:

“I would like to have the feeling of being in love with the woman of my life but the moment hasn’t arrived yet. I’ll know how to recognize it when it arrives.”

[Sport.es; see more pictures at Kickette]

Sorcerer is currently making anti-CRon spell in his ‘laboratory’

The ever-mental Spanish sports papers have excelled themselves once more, with news reaching us from El Mundo that Real Madrid is under siege by an anonymous voodoo priest.

A letter has been received by the club from a man who claims to have cast a spell that would leave the Portugese man-o’-sex crocked in a freak accident, after being contracted to do so by a mysterious frenemy (Sir Alex? Ruud? Nereida Gallardo?):

I’m not antimadridista. I have nothing against this great club. I am a professional and someone has paid very well for me using my powers. I have been hired to make Cristiano Ronaldo suffer a serious injury.

Italians get sexy dancers, Spaniards get crazy mimics

We don’t receive Catalan channel TV3, but if we did, we’d almost certainly tune into Crackovia, the comedy show where La Liga stars are parodied to within the inch of their lives. In the latest episode, a dead ringer for Cristiano Ronaldo chats with a fatter version of Guti, and we think it’s meant to be Sergio Ramos who emerges from the tub at the end.

We don’t speak any Catalan or Spanish, so have no clue what they are saying, but it’s all ridiculous enough to make us laugh.

The Catalonians don’t just parody their enemies, they also poke fun at their own biggest stars. We’re pretty sure the tall guy on the right is actually Zlatan Ibrahimovic. How can there be two people in the world with a nose like that?

If you can tell us what the hell they’re talking about in these clips, do share below…

[Spotted on ONTD]

Florentino Perez to give each player a booklet of rules

Since Cristiano Ronaldo’s arrival at Real Madrid, the Spanish capital’s nightclubs and escort agencies have been bracing themselves for a sharp increase in trade. Madrid’s evening entertainment industry, however, has been dealt a devastating blow by news on the front page of this morning’s Marca: Florentino Perez will issue each player of a booklet detailing the rules of behaviour, and “night excursions” are now prohibited.

Even though the booklet has yet to reach the hands of any of Real Madrid’s stars, Marca have somehow obtained a copy, the highlights of which we have translated below…

1. Proximity
Players will need to appear approachable to the fans.

2. Education
Players must show respect towards all coaches, managers and fans.

Florentino Perez envisions ‘Disneyland Madrid’

Concerned that Real Madrid wasn’t having a big enough impact on our lives, Florentino Perez laid the first stone of “Sports City” when he was in charge of the club in 2004. The project was neglected following his 2006 resignation, but now he is back in the hot seat, the Madrid president is keen to bring the club its very own theme park.

Work on the 60-hectare Sports City site will re-commence next spring, and if all goes to plan, ‘Disneyland Madrid’ will open by 2013. Rides such as the ‘Raul Rollercoaster’ (it just keeps going on and on and on), ‘Sergio Ramos’ House of Haunted Hair Straighteners’ and ‘Cristiano’s prostitute fivesome in 3-D’* will entertain up to two million visitors per year.

Perez has reportedly been shopping around for sponsors for the €150m next stage of construction, and has already held meetings with the mayors of Miami and Beijing

Seriously Spain, how did you let that happen?

Spain 0/ USA 2
It’s lucky for Spain that no one really cares about the Confederations Cup, otherwise last night’s defeat to the USA would rank as one of the biggest international upsets in recent memory.

Last night, the Americans ended La Furia Roja’s 35-game unbeaten run and 15-game winning streak with a solid performance, helped by some woeful defending. If Sergio Ramos can pull himself away from the mirror long enough, he should watch that second goal a few times. Even a schoolboy wouldn’t take a touch inside the six yard box in that situation.

Congrats all the same to the USA, who will now face either Brazil or South Africa at Johannesburg’s Coca-Cola Park on Sunday.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Following a 2-0 victory, this Norwegian mascot found the perfect way to rub defeat into an opposing player’s face
[Off The Post]

Sergio Ramos transcends the rules of society that suggest people should wear shirts
[ONTD]

Danielle Lloyd almost loses her leg after getting legless
[The Sun]

Boring Bulgarian striker to be name dropped on Coronation St
[Pies]

The Newcastle exodus begins
[Tribal Football]

Captain Caveman-alike Carles Puyol puts pressure on Utd
[Daily Mail]

The Rome alcohol ban is going well
[Goal.com]

A plea to readers: If you get a chance, please help keep The Spoiler alive by clicking the sponsored video below the first post. Not only does it feature Melinda Messenger and Lisa Snowdon miming to ‘Rapper’s Delight’, but it also promotes our biggest passion behind football - spicy Portuguese chicken…