All today’s transfers in a scroll down listy thing

Think about it: Italian men always seem to be wearing hair product, they probably look at us and wonder why we don’t bother. Well, riddle over, Italian friends - you obviously haven’t heard of something called rain. It’s a watery substance that Ricardo Carvalho can give a talk on next season when he’s at Inter. Perhaps by way of introduction? Oh, and speaking of transfers…

Ricardo Carvalho to Inter Milan
Like an obedient young robot, wherever Mourinho goes, Carvalho is programmed to follow. Luckily for him, that means paying a visit to the food capital of pizza and chips - Italy.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who could say no to Jose?

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Portsmouth
Portsmouth are willing to fork out £10 million on Shaun Wright-Phillips, whose only skill is to run fast. Harry, you could get Dwain Chambers for a bag of drugs and a quid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely

The latest rumoured relief for the burning hole in Rom’s pocket

No one cares about money any more, everyone knows that. You could walk into Spurs HQ with £1 billion this afternoon and you wouldn’t even come out with an Aaron Lennon or Younes Kaboul (okay, you might) - football clubs want extras, they want deals. Hence, it’s all about the packaging.

Liverpool, for example, are unlikely to get Gareth Barry unless they throw in a Riise, or even a Crouch, and now it looks like Mr Moneybags over at Chelsea has twigged that it might take more than the smell of Sterling to attract the attention of the Spurs boardroom. He is instead relying on the perfumed allure of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Nicola Anelka to pry the tricky Bulgarian, Dimitar Berbatov, from the North London death grip.

Is ‘dwarf’ the correct term now? Or is it ‘little person’? ‘Height challenged’? ‘Tallness impaired’? Etc…

Just because they’re small doesn’t mean they lack a sense of irony - this Brazilian football side are named the Giants of the North. The world’s first all-dwarf side play with full sized goals, and managed to lose 5-2 to an under-13 side on Sunday. When your keeper is 4ft 7in and your central defenders stand as high as Peter Crouch’s knee, this isn’t a terrible result.

The team, whose smallest player is 3ft 7in, was put together to combat the second biggest

Impact of Liverpool’s Spaniard more profound than originally thought

In response to this week’s poll of 2,500 women by that website which bought Ebbsfleet, and which determined that Wayne Rooney is the ugliest player in the world, we asked our users to take a deep breath and explore their feelings about players at the other end of the scale. Results show that Fernando Torres is the player most men would sleep with “if they had to go with a Premier League player.”

Torres was by far and away the winner with 35 per cent of the total vote. One respondent said “He’s more attractive than my last girlfriend,” and another “I’d probably go with him even if I didn’t have to.”

Second place went to Spurs’ Jermain

Carling Cup finalists celebrate with ex-WAGs and a little too much drink

Last night Chelsea managed to join Spurs in the Carling Cup semi-final, and players from both teams joined forces with a celebratory night out at London’s Chinawhite. Pictured above is Jermain Defoe, who has no problem with wearing a baseball cap in a nightclub, or sharing a cab with a lady who looks like she charges by the hour.

Jermain’s WAG Danielle Lloyd was noticeably