The players who form the backbone of the top flight

On Wednesday, we brought you the Pepe Reina-free Big Four XI, and today it’s time to look at the best of the rest. The likes of Jo and Luka Modric have been excluded as we’ve yet to see how they adapt to Premier League football. Plus, there’s no Dimitar Berbatov because we’re assuming he’s off to Old Trafford, or maybe the Nou Camp.

Shay Given (Newcastle)
Why Given over James, Friedel and Howard, you ask? Well, the other three can always rely on their defence for support which is a luxury that the Newcastle goalkeeper has never been blessed with. The Irishman is the only man this century to twice wear the number one jersey in the PFA’s Team of the Year.

Gareth Bale (Tottenham)
The young left-back was one of Spurs’ only solid performers at the start of the last campaign before an injury in December ruled him out for the rest of the season. The Welshman also boasted an impressive scoring record with three goals in nine domestic starts.

Richard Dunne (Manchester City)
Despite his error last night, the Irishman is one of the best defenders

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

As the season winds up to a thrilling finale, the more speculative fans have already started on 2008/2009 - who will be where, and why? From trawling the depths of the messageboards and forums, here’s what The Spoiler has stumbled across today:

Luca Toni - Bayern Munich to West Ham
West Ham’s incoming technical director Gianluca Nani discovered Toni at Bayern Munich, which is causing a frezied wave of dillusion in East London. Might the best striker in Europe trade in Champions League football with Bayern Munich for mid-table mediocrity in rainy old England?

Shay Given - Newcastle to Arsenal
Lehmann is almost sixty-years-old, Almunia isn’t entirely convincing, so might Wenger be driven to actually spend some money? The whisper is that Given could finally stop bothering to try and win things at Newcastle.

David Bentley - Blackburn to Aston Villa
Speculation is growing that Bentley will move to one of the big four this summer, but Villa fans are hopeful that their young talented team will be more tempting than the haunting prospect of becoming the next Jermaine Pennant.

Hansel and Zoolander get some leather-clad competition on the catwalk

Last night, Kevin Keegan took part in a charity fashion show organised by Shay Given, a man who wears gloves and shorts for a living. During the course of the evening, the Newcastle boss instructed someone to ‘sit on it’, invited people into his office (which was actually a toilet!), elbowed a jukebox to make it play, and then went to the bathroom to comb his hair, but decided it was perfectly quaffed anyway.

I personally like the look. It doesn’t say ‘I’m terrified of relegation and botching up the hopes and thousands of fans,’ as much as it says ‘Yeah, I may be portly but I’m daring enough to get away with sideways stripes.’ You go, girl.

[The Daily Mail]