Coming to a computer near you

“I’m one of those girls who’d walk away if he cheated.” We won’t hold you to it Imogen
( Holy Moly )

Get the lowdown on Rafa’s latest attempt to waste some money
( Caught Offside )

Who was a bigger mistake - Shevchenko or Berbatov?
( Footy Factor )

Luis Figo’s wife. Not unattractive
( Big Smudge )

Leicester have the cheek to issue Edgar Davids with an ultimatum, and old favourite Peter Taylor may be set for a return to football
( Team Talk )

Man needs calculator…

Once again, Peter Kenyon has proved his worth as one of the lord God’s most unnecessary creations by insisting that Shevchenko might even have been a good bit of business for Chelsea.

“I’m not giving a lesson in accountancy,” he grumped, “but you do write money off over the term of a contract.”

It’s an interesting point. But, unfortunately, even without one of his important accountancy lessons, we can’t help but sense some slightly bad business in the sum below:

Well the rain is back, for a moment there we almost forgot where we were. Seconds away from flowery necklaced women and silky hula music playing in the streets, probably. Just thank hecky we’ve still got football gossip and transfers to keep us all sweaty and uncomfortable.

Ronaldinho and Deco in exchange for Kaka
A couple of years ago, had anyone even thought about exchanging Ronaldinho for another player, teams of armed police would have been lining buildings within seconds, shouting through loud hailers to put the drugs down and step away from the vehicle. Sir, we said step AWAY! How times have changed. Now Barcelona can offer Ronaldinho and Deco for Kaka and no one even sniffs their breath for whiskey.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The rumour is that Barca are offering the two players and around £16 million. AC are unlikely to bite.

Andriy Shevchenko to Fenerbahce
After wowing English fans with his brilliance, Shevchenko may yet astonish the people of Turkey by taking his travelling football circus to Fenerbahce. Prepare to be dazzled, Turklings!

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Should AC Milan pass, Shevchenko needs to go somewhere. Not out of the question.

While Steven Gerrard can be found whimpering on the streets of Liverpool, seriously disgruntled because his club won’t spend enough money on new friends for him, over in the AC quarter of Milan, rumour would suggest that money is swilling around like expensive sparkling wine in a Jermain Defoe bathtub.

Starting from the back, the Italian giants have been linked with Chelsea’s bemasked goal stopper Petr Cech - supposedly the planet’s most beguiling keeper. In front of him, they’re looking to poach France’s Willy Sagnol from Bayern Munich, as well as the Italian crowd pleaser Gianluca Zambrotta, who used to ply his wares so well at Juve before morphing into a less convincing wingback at Barcelona.

Chelsea stars get their leather on in da club

For those that didn’t realise, last night the theme was “Small Leather Jacket” down at Funky Buddha - by far the most sensual of London’s sexy wine bars.

Of course, Lamps was there with pals Ballack and Carvalho, all guffawing and loving their body-tight jackets. Even cricket’s Kevin Pietersen stopped off to let girls stroke his leather jacket and offer to buy him Martinis. But, as is usual with any Chelsea event, one man decided to join in and just made an almighty hash of things - can you guess who?