Man Utd gaffer locked out of Portugal’s training facility
Cristiano Ronaldo has hardly been handling his delicate transfer situation with much maturity thus far, but the winger has decided to take the playground mentality to new levels by shutting off communication with Sir Alex.
The Times claim that the United boss was ready to march over to Switzerland to visit Portugal’s training camp for a good hairdryer sesh, but the Portuguese has told his team-mates that Fergie is not welcome.
Ronaldo is said to be furious with Ferguson’s insistence that the Glazers would rather see him rot in the reserves than sell him and as such has stomped his feet, crossed his arms and started pouting. According to a source within the Portugal camp, Ronaldo said he would “scream and scream until he was sick” if he even caught a glimpse of his current club manager.
And so it seems the romance we never thought would end is well and truly dead. It’s time for Ronny to climb atop the huge pile of Sir Alex’s former lovers - maybe Beckham and Keane will give him a leg up. Still, at least it’s not the manager doing the dumping this time.
The sad decline of Gazza tells you all you need to know about life after football - it can be pretty traumatic. Now that the limelight has gone off him, and with nowhere to channel his demons, he appears to be in the grip of depression and - apparently - total mental breakdown. It could have been so different, or so says Sir Alex Ferguson.
The Man United boss famously tried to sign Gazza before he went off to Spurs, and has reportedly told the people of Sky Sports that it was his doomed trip to London that eventually frazzled his mind
Scottish legend confuses a pot with a black kettle
Those barking hounds from Real Madrid are forever circling Old Trafford, panting and sniffing around, desperately trying to locate the whereabouts of Cristiano Ronaldo. They obviously didn’t bank on Sir Alex Ferguson batting them away with a pooey stick.
“In terms of great clubs, Barcelona have far better morality than Real Madrid will ever have,” honked Fergie this week, “Real use this Marca newspaper as a vehicle to unsettle players.”
For all his good points as a manager, Sir Alex Ferguson is absolutely atrocious at celebrating. The man has won ten titles with Man United - TEN! And yet, the final whistle goes, and there he is, brainlessly flapping his arms like a gormless child pretending to be a birdie, totally unaware of what to do. All of a sudden Mister Scary Hairdryer isn’t so damn terrifying.
Well, help is at hand Sir Alex - below is music legend James Brown with a few handy tips on how to move your body should United put one over on Chelsea next week. Watch and learn. Grant can already do this stuff.
With the title race metaphorically hanging in the metaphorical balance, certain quotes from the West Ham boss will have Chelsea’s supporters gnawing their knuckles with rage. Here’s the pick of the bunch:
“It would be a great injustice if Manchester United were to lose the Premier League title.”
“The general feeling among most managers is that they would like to see them (United) crowned again.”
“I would raise a glass if United win the title. It would be, of course, a toast to Alex Ferguson, the best there is, and may ever be.”
And on the subject of Ferguson:
“He is Mr Amazing. Want to hold a general knowledge quiz? He’ll win it. Looking for the answer to a crossword clue? He’ll provide it. Want some advice about a player or a situation? He’ll return the call, be it from another Premier League manager or one in League Two.”
As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:
Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.
Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?
Another day, and the chattering voices have been spluttering about transfers. Next season, it appears we can expect at least one more talented Spaniard in our ranks, someone with a weird name, and two of Tottenham’s finest might relocate to the Midlands…
Aaron Lennon and Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has clearly been studying Alex Ferguson’s 1990s blueprints as he continues his quest to build a young English side. Next on the menu - Quickie and Fattie from Spurs?
David Villa to Arsenal
The wealthy pockets of Chelsea have demanded him, but Villa has been overheard gushing about how cool Arsenal are. Might Arsene be tempted to unlock his wallet for this one? Around £20 million would do it - that’s seven Adebayors in Wenger speak.
