The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Ruud van Nistelrooy not going to Spurs
Those who were hoping to see the perennially-injured horse-faced Dutchman return to the Premiership may be disappointed by his most recent insistence that he intends to stay in the Spanish capital:

“I am happy at Real and want to go back and get the opportunity to prove myself. I have a strong motivation to succeed at Real.”

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Unlike his Dutch colleagues, Ruud seems fairly confident of his place in Florentino Perez’s plans. Us? Not so confident.

Armand Traore to Birmingham
Our friends at The Birmingham Mail say the newly promoted side are looking to give yet another temporary home to the left-sided Frenchman, who spent last season at Fratton Park.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Kieran Gibbs is probably in front of Traore in the queue

Under 21 side make a pig’s ear of scoring opportunity

Scientists who obviously had no diseases to cure recently discovered the technique for a perfect penalty: the taker should approach at an angle 20 to 30 degrees, hit the ball at 65mph, and aim exactly half a metre inside the crossbar and either goalpost.

Clearly, this stunning scientific development has yet to reach Portgual, as demonstrated in the national team’s U21 performance against the mighty Cape Verde yesterday.

Sporting’s midfielder Bruno Pereirinha attempted to recreate Johan Cruyff’s legendary passed penalty, by knocking the ball to Porto’s Rui Pedro. The plan was thwarted when a defender intercepted, and the pair were left looking as stupid as Thierry Henry and Robert Pires did in 2005.

Fortunately, the crappy spot kick had no effect on the result, as Portugal were 2-0 victors.

[Off The Post]

Much classier than her surname suggests

Like most beautiful Portuguese women, ex-professional swimmer Diana Chaves has been romantically linked to Cristiano Ronaldo. No one can be certain if the Portguguese man-o’-sex actually had his way with the model and TV presenter, and her relationship with Sporting’s Miguel Veloso last summer is also shrouded in mystery. These days, however, she is stepping out with César Peixoto, the lucky chap who once called former WAG of the Day Isabel Figueira his wife.

Reds march on, Blues make it difficult for themselves

Liverpool 1/ Marseille 0
Hopefully you all piled on a Liverpool win like we suggested, as Stevie G put away the only goal of the game after 23 minutes. When struck by a lighter thrown by a Marseille fan, it was good to see the captain keep his composure. We’re not sure Jamie Carragher would have responded in quite the same way…

Chelsea 1/ Bordeaux 1
Scolari’s boys are now the only English side not top have guaranteed their spot in the final sixteen, and now must beat CFR Cluj (a team they failed to beat earlier in the competition) to ensure Bordeaux don’t sneak past them. With Drogba suspended and look for an escape tunnel, Lampsie didn’t help things by picking up two yellows.

Spoiler bonus: See Barcelona make chumps out of Sporting in their own back yard after the jump…

Sporting 2/ Barcelona 5

The best sports on the telebox tonight

In light of English teams’ recent propensity to face shootouts in the UEFA Cup, Gary Megson would do well to put his (second choice) team through some last minute penalty drills. At present, you can get odds of 22/1 on either team going through on penalties, and after a deadlocked first leg, fans of lightning striking three times will want to pile on.

UEFA Cup Round of 32
Sporting Lisbon/ Bolton Wanderers (Five, 7.30pm)

Cricket - Second Test
New Zealand/ England (Sky Sports 1, 9pm)