Gaffer is ‘concerned about the mental state’ of Irish trio…

Hull’s Irish trio Paul McShane, Kevin Kilbane and Stephen Hunt would’ve cut depressing figures today, having returned to the club’s training ground. With so many players involved in Handball-gate, The Spoiler would have thought Tigers boss Phil Brown would be waiting with open arms, ready to provide a shoulder to cry on.

But (not for the first time) we’d be wrong. Instead, the three were told to go and get their heads checked by a psychologist in time for Saturday’s clash with West Ham. According to the Daily Star, a club source said:

[Sports psychologist Mark] Nesti can help them prepare for games and be mentally ready. Such a massive disappointment can take its toll and be hard to overcome. So it is important to find out what sort of place they are in.

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In times of financial hardship, footballers continue to keep the automotive industry afloat

Stephen Ireland may look like a prize muppet in his pink-wheeled 4×4, but he’s actually a trailblazer of Premier League automotive fashion. According to Nuts Magazine’s “Premiership Stars and their Cars 2009″ survey, the Range Rover Sport is the most popular of car among football’s elite. Drivers of the squirrel-squashing Chelsea tractor include John Terry, Steven Gerrard, Peter Crouch, Joey Barton and Xabi Alonso.

Here’s the top ten most popular cars in training ground car parks:

1 Range Rover Sport (£63,895)
2 BMW X5 (£53,465)
3 Porsche Cayenne (£76,760)
4 Aston Martin DB9 (£111,526)
5 Bentley Continental GT (£137,500)
6 Audi Q7 (£51,095)
7 Ferrari F430 (£135,685)
8 Mercedes SL65 AMG £151,101)
9 Lamborghini Murciélago LP640 (£151,101)
10 Cadillac Escalade (£50,100)

As you can see, the big trend is to have a huge gas-guzzling 4×4 - the type that will break down in the middle of the Tyne bridge.

Unsurprisingly, this beauty of a motor didn’t make the list.

The latest gossip, rumours and damned lies

The Kaka saga is dominating today’s papers again, but it still looks like nobody has a clue what’s going on. One paper claims Mark Hughes must be confident because he is considering a new formation to accommodate the Brazilian, but surely any good manager would want to ensure he can make room for a transfer target before signing them - especially one that could cost £108m.

Elsewhere in transferland…

Carlos Tevez to Chelsea
A “Chelsea source” has told the Daily Star that Chelsea are interested in Carlos Tevez, and aim to capture the pint-sized striker in the summer.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Tevez is still a god at West Ham and shares a good relationship with Manchester Utd fans so whether he’d want to join rivals of both remains doubtful - especially as he seems quite a nice chap. If Utd don’t sign him in the summer, Spain or Italy remain his most likely destination.

Stephen Hunt to Tottenham Hotspur
Irish winger Hunt has revealed he would like to return to the Premier League and Reading assistant Wally Downes has said they are open-minded about selling this month. Putting two and two together, The Spoiler thinks Hunt would be a perfect fit for a Spurs side that lacks left wingers and desperately needs a grafter in a midfield which appears to lack the stomach for a fight.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: In the past, Spurs fans might have questioned

King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak

If Wenger doesn’t need new defenders, then what does he need?

While Tottenham have got to work early and spent big on Luka Modric and Giovani dos Santos, Arsenal are still on the starting blocks, with the first sign of any transfer activity at the Emirates being quickly shot down by Arsene Wenger:

“I have been interested in Vincent Kompany ever since he was 16, but I am not interested in him this year. There is nobody I need for my team’s defensive department.”

Which of course prompts the question: what’s the point of tracking someone for six years if you have no intention to signing them? By acting much like a flirtatious girl who makes you believe she’s the one but who will quickly break your heart, perhaps Arsene is telling us he simply enjoys the thrill of the chase.

Anyway, Arsenal’s reticence to invest has spurred The Spoiler to consider where each London club needs to improve next season.

So we did a think and then gone wrote it down:

Chelsea

Top priority:
Flair players - Big Phil hasn’t just been brought to Chelsea to win trophies, he’s expected to bring some Brazilian flair to the job and make the Blues exciting to watch as well as being scarily efficient.

Fitting the bill: Ronaldinho, Kaka, Franck Ribery

Arsenal

Top priority:
Depth in midfield - Diarra then Flamini have gone, Hleb’s inconsistent, Rosicky’s injured, Gilberto’s past his best and Fabregas got tired last year so it’s clear that Arsenal need to bolster their midfield, and potentially bring in a new keeper.

Fitting the bill: Gareth Barry, Samir Nasri, Hatem Ben Arfa, Bastian Schweinsteiger

West Ham

Top priority:
New medical team/left-winger - Take away the dozen injuries West Ham had for most of last season and they’ve got perhaps the biggest squad in the league.

The left wing is a problem though: the fans turned on Boa Morte and he wants out while Etherington is always injured.

Fitting the bill: Stephen Hunt, Damien Duff, Pablo Aimar

Tottenham

Top priority:
New goalkeeper and striker

Trading in gossip and rumour is fun, kids

An international tournament is very nearly upon us which can only mean one thing: it’s time for Cristiano Ronaldo to piss off England. At the 2006 World Cup, the C-Ron Likeability-ometer took a Big Brother villain-esque plunge following his winking tactics, and after his recent disloyal comments and impending departure, the tricky winger’s popularity will experience a similar fall. Despite the inflated importance of the C-Ron debate, the rumour mills have been turning elsewhere…

James Milner to Liverpool
Really? Until recently it didn’t look like Rafa Benitez had even heard of English players let alone ones nowhere near getting into the national team.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We can just about believe Barry, but not Milner

Frank Rijkaard or Roberto Mancini to Chelsea
The Blues have decided that it might be a good idea to interview the only two guys that haven’t said no to the Chelsea job before they decide Blackburn might be a better option.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Definitely two of the frontrunners. Maybe.

Joe Lewis to Everton
It’s amazing what being part of the England squad can do to your valuation. Apparently Peterborough’s goalkeeper wasn’t just brought along for a laugh and is actually worth three million.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Have Everton even got three million?

Eidur Gudjohnsen to Newcastle or West Ham
Another transfer window opens and again Barcelona

All today’s transfers in a scroll down listy thing

Think about it: Italian men always seem to be wearing hair product, they probably look at us and wonder why we don’t bother. Well, riddle over, Italian friends - you obviously haven’t heard of something called rain. It’s a watery substance that Ricardo Carvalho can give a talk on next season when he’s at Inter. Perhaps by way of introduction? Oh, and speaking of transfers…

Ricardo Carvalho to Inter Milan
Like an obedient young robot, wherever Mourinho goes, Carvalho is programmed to follow. Luckily for him, that means paying a visit to the food capital of pizza and chips - Italy.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Who could say no to Jose?

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Portsmouth
Portsmouth are willing to fork out £10 million on Shaun Wright-Phillips, whose only skill is to run fast. Harry, you could get Dwain Chambers for a bag of drugs and a quid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely