Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies…

Darren Bent’s pre-season goal haul convinced some Spurs fans that they could cope without Robbie Keane and Dimitar Berbatov, but he has played all 180 minutes of Spurs poor start without having any impact, and it’s painfully obvious he needs someone alongside him. So imagine how they’ll feel when they pick up today’s papers and see that Chelsea might be making a £20m move for Andrei Arshavin…

Craig Bellamy to Man City
Rumours that the West Ham board are trying to force Alan Curbishley’s resignation heightened this morning when Sky Sports reported that Manchester City are in talks over Bellamy, who has started just eight games for the club. Curbs has played down speculation, but did the same with Anton Ferdinand before being forced to admit defeat.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Things are looking gloomy - Curbishley is now 15/8 with Will Hill to “win” the Sack Race

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Man City
Over the weekend all the talk was that Chelsea’s winger

All the big news written down in English

For those who lie awake wondering whatever happened to Bill Wyman after he walked out on the Rolling Stones in 1993, you can breathe easy - he’s totally fine, and making a fine living as the face of SuperSmoker electronic cigarettes. They look brilliant/ridiculous. Anyway, now that you can relax properly, why not fill your mind with new information, like today’s transfer rumours?

Paul Robinson to Bolton
Forgetful Gary Megson - Egyptian keeper Ali Al Habsi emerged as a star in Bolton’s relegation run-in, he was brilliant. Not brilliant enough to keep Megson’s beady eyes away from Robinson’s slippery wet hands though.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: For £5 million! Madness.

Gregory Coupet to Tottenham
While Robinson takes his eel-like fingers back up North. Juande Ramos is putting France’s number one goalkeeper on a ferry for half the price.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely, even for a 35-year-old.

In between lovely slices of mango and giant slurps of caffeine-free Diet Coke, The Spoiler has perused and foraged the transfers underworld, and these gems were lurking in the shrubbery. So to speak.

Tony Adams to Arsenal
Hey what’s wrong Arsene? Feeling a wee bit sensitive because your attacking team has problems defending? Oh stop weeping, man, just get Tony Adams in to help you out! (Or so it would seem, apparently).

Kaka OR Leo Messi to Chelsea
Clearly learning nothing whatsoever from the Shevchenko debacle, Roman Abramovich has apparently declared that this summer he wants to hurl around £100 million, preferably in the direction of Kaka, or Messi… or Pele… or Maradona…

Here’s what happens when you give a moron some money

Make no mistake - Stephen Ireland is cool. When he’s not experimenting with strange haircuts, showing his Superman pants on the field or pretending his relatives are dead to escape international duty, he’s buying an old Range Rover that most Essex hairdressers would be ashamed of. He’s pretty much my hero.

[On the Bench]