Enterprising Latics selling tickets at 1,000% mark-up

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan has done all that he can to make sure United have a super comfy stay in Greater Manchester this Sunday. Firstly, he cancelled a mid-week rugby game to make sure the surface was all lovely and smooth. Then, instead of sounding a war cry to his title-hungry opponents, he has told Sky Sports he would be ‘delighted’ to see Steve Bruce take over from Alex Ferguson this summer, should he retire.

Fergie and Whelan already have a solid relationship - the United gaffer was the guest of honour when the JJB opened in 1999, and according to various made up sources, the chairman sometimes lets the red-faced Scotsman tickle his belly like a cat.

Now, the Wigan supporters are doing their bit to bring Alex Ferguson his tenth title. According to The Guardian, Manchester Utd’s 4,928 allocation sold out last month, but Wigan expect as many as 20,000 extra Red Devils to be locked

If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.

As ever, there was no time last night to revel in the joy of a Paul Scholes stonker, because while football is being played, behind the scenes people in dark suits are having business meetings, and those meetings are very important - they include “guesstimates” and “sushi”. Here’s what may or may not have been talked about in some of those sweaty deep-into-the-night think tanks:

Kamel Ghilas to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger’s team of dehydrated football forragers have once again resurfaced in their mining helmets with soil on their faces muttering like crazy people about an Algerian man called Kamel. At the moment he plays casual football for Portuguese side Vitoria Guimaraes, but next season he looks set to be entertaining Arsenal crowds, who love sexual football and Cesc Fabregas.

Antonio Valencia and Wilson Palacios to Manchester United
Yes, Ferguson will be on the hunt for bright young talents, currently dominating other first teams, to strengthen his reserves, and these two might be just the ticket. They do it week in, week out for Wigan, but can they do it perhaps once every three/four months for United when Nani, Anderson, Carrick, Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo, Giggs, O’Shea, and Fletcher are all injured? Or it’s the Carling Cup?

Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, is due to begin filming this year. With Arnie dropping out of the franchise to save California from car exhaust fumes, Christian Bale is rumoured to be filling his cyborg shoes. But there could be another contender…