The deadline day movers and shakers…

Following a lacklustre transfer of summers, we may actually witness an exciting transfer deadline day today. Here’s how it’s shaping up so far…

Xisco to Newcastle
Deportivo are claiming that they have agreed a £5.7 million deal to sell Spanish striker Xisco to Newcastle. Aston Villa were thought to be keen on the 22-year-old, but it looks like Dennis Wise and co may beat them to the punch.

Steve Finnan to Espanyol
The Spanish club are linked with a move for unwanted right-back Finnan and are of course the team that Liverpool target Albert Riera plays for, prompting the question: are cash-strapped Liverpool trying

Today’s gossip rumours and damned lies

Sir Alex Ferguson is still refusing to rule out a move for Barcelona flop Thierry Henry, despite his comments in April that “Arsenal are the only English club” for him. Dimitar Berbatov still appears a more likely arrival, so perhaps the Thierry talk is Ferguson’s way of testing Spurs’ resistance.

Elsewhere in transferland…

Didier Drogba to stay
After spending a few weeks mulling things over while desperately waiting for phone calls from Barcelona and Milan, Drogba has kindly decided that it would be nice to continue playing for the club who pay his wages.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Nobody wants him so he has no choice

Justin Hoyte to Middlesbrough
Boro sent their chief international scout to

King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak

Plus Everton employees get lazy 

For those sensible enough to still be at work - rather than joining all the cheerful idiots bounding around the city centre in swimming costumes, hosing each other down and smearing ice cream everywhere - here are today’s very straight-faced transfer rumours. Roll VT…

Dudu to Everton
Whoever is compiling the list of Everton transfer targets is getting into some serious shorthand, first “Jo”, and now “Dudu” - both promising Brazilians from CSKA Moscow.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: By the sounds of the conditions, Liverpool might be a luxurious alternative to rainy Russia.

Jeremy Helan and Darnel Situ to Manchester United
Clever, Man United - two French teenagers, surely North London bound, and yet somehow their red private jet ended up in Manchester? Bet they weren’t expecting Arsene Wenger to sound so… Scottish.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: What United want, United get

Except for Torres, who couldn’t be bothered

Liverpool’s December Christmas party was postponed when Stevie G allowed masked intruders to burgle his home and terrify his wife. To make up for the celebration-halting gaff, he pulled out all the stops at the rescheduled event with some thoroughly over-the-top prosthetics.

Having dressing as a parrot last year, Peter Crouch let us a little further into his subconscious bird obsession by dressing as a penguin. Which bird next year, Pete? Falcon? Budgie?

Daniel Agger’s homage to the punk greats such as Good Charlotte showed effort, as did Steve Finnan’s Beetlejuice and Sami Hyypia’s strange