Who do we turn to in our hour of need? Steve McClaren!

It’s been a horrible few days. Firstly, Man United flopped when all the long shots in our Champions League accumulator delivered and then Lyon once again mugged Liverpool in injury time yesterday.

When your luck is down, you probably don’t want to be relying on a Goodison Park goalfest, Spanish strugglers finding form and Steve McClaren. The Spoiler loves a long shot though…

Over 2.5 goals in Everton/Benfica
Six of Everton’s last seven European games have produced three goals or more. Benfica are the most prolific team in Portugal by miles and thumped five

England coach thanks Croatian for his inspiring team talk

When he isn’t belittling the opposition, Slaven Bilic likes to rock out with his band Rawbau. In the video, he’s the guy playing the guitar who looks like Slaven Bilic.

With the exception of the ongoing witch hunt of Premiership clubs who have poached young talent from elsewhere, it’s been a relatively quiet week in football so far. Hence, much prominence has been given to Slaven Bilic’s daily attempts to destabilise the England camp ahead of Wednesday night’s World Cup qualifier with Croatia.

So far, he has highlighted team’s lack of ‘Englishness’ (not exactly a criticism when you consider the team’s recent form), claimed to have figured out a super secret way to ensure victory (he won’t tell us what it is) and he has berated John Terry for speaking out

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Despite having a famous French Algerian daddy, Zinedine Zidane’s son Enzo has been called up for Spain’s U15 side
[The Offside]

A Royal marine plays the classic ‘fake arm’ gag on David Beckham
[Off The Post]

Having a moronic husband in no way limits Cheryl Cole’s ability to look hot in PVC
[The Sun]

Manchester Utd are keeping an eye on young French striker Sofiane Feghouli
[Tribal Football]

Spain demonstrate the correct way to launch a new kit: with face paint
[Kickette]

Steve McClaren is to blame for the frosty Spurs/ England relations
[Daily Mail]

Former gaffer is the current favourite for the Rovers gig

Paul Emerson Carlyle Ince today became the sixth Premier League manager to leave their post this season, in the process saving what was in danger of being a chronically slow news day (front page of The Sun: Benitez’s kidney stones; back page of The Sun: Capello wants the Wembley grass shorter). Here are the leading contenders to replace the Guv’nor at Ewood Park according to chickendinner:

Graeme Souness (best price: 5/2 with Paddy Power)
Souness took the club back into the Premier League and won the League Cup during his first spell as manager between 2000 and 2004 and starts as the early favourite to regain the position after newspaper reports over the last few days linked him to the post. He walked out of the club four years ago for Newcastle after a winless start which left Rovers in the relegation zone, and at the time it was rumoured that Souness had jumped before he was pushed.

Sam Allardyce (best price: 3/1 general)
In case you haven’t read a newspaper since January, Sam Allardyce is pretty interested in finding himself a job and having previously overachieved without spending much money at Bolton, he is a strong candidate. However, Blackburn opted for Ince over more experienced candidates like Allardyce and Steve McClaren in the summer so Big Sam may bear a grudge.

Alan Curbishley (best price: 10/1 with Paddy Power)
Two years ago Curbishley took charge of a West Ham team

Manchester City/ FC twente, 7.45pm, ITV4, Free £10 bet

While billionaires Manchester City are struggling to have any real impact in the Premier League, everyone’s favourite laughing stock Schteve McClaren is two points off the top of the Eredivisie with his new club FC Twente.

The former England boss squandered his chance to show what he’s capable of against Arsenal in August, but should take advantage of tonight’s opportunity by returning to Holland with a point or three. Here are ChickenDinner’s statistical thoughts on the matter:

1. Steve McClaren faced Manchester City eight times while manager of Middlesbrough and was never beaten, winning on five occasions.

2. During the period that City couldn’t beat McClaren, they managed three victories over Manchester United as well as wins over Chelsea and Liverpool. Significantly, the Citizens won their first three matches against post-McClaren Middlesbrough.

3. FC Twente have won their last two away games and had won four consecutive games without conceding before losing to Ajax last weekend.

4. The Dutch club

FC Twente boss continues to embarrass himself in the Eredivisie

Steve McClaren’s post match interview checklist:

• Foreign managers in the Premier league are successful, so try to emulate their mannerisms and command of English
• Put an upward inflection and pause at the end of every sentence to make it sound as unnatural as possible
• Speak unnecessarily slowly - this disguises the ghastly northern accent and ensures the interviewer is suitably patronised
• Use lots of tired clichés like “we killed the game by scoring more goals” and “anything can happen in football”
• Learn nothing from criticism of new speech pattern

Spoiler bonus: Check out Schteve’s Braveheart impression from earlier this week

[Spotted on Off The Post]

FC Twente gaffer trades Dutch accent for Scottish raw

“Just do what you do, week in, week out”

The cracks are starting to appear. He might have a stern craggy face that you could race ants around and the “don’t mess with me, man” attitude, but if you look really closely, Fabio Capello mightn’t be a million miles away in kind from moon-faced McClaren and his goons.

We all know that McClaren was from the “just do what you do, week in, week out” school of football management - which, essentially, is not coaching, it’s like telling an artist to “just paint or something” - and, terrifyingly, it appears that Capello is cut from exactly the same cloth.

“Fabio speaks with me before each game and says he wants me to emulate my Liverpool form,” said Steven Gerrard in yesterday’s press conference, “that’s also what I want, but it’s not happening.”

Translated from Italian, that’s: “just do what you do, week in, week out.”

Nooooooooo!