This morning’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

In a crushing blow for fans of overweight Brazilians, it is being reported on the AC Milan website that a deal has been agreed to bring Ronaldinho to the San Siro this coming season. Just to rub it in, it’s thought that Milan aren’t even offering Barca as much cash, and Ronny’s agent brother claimed he had negotiated a £25m deal with Citeh just yesterday. Still, it could all be a blessing in disguise - the podgy one, pictured above with AC Milan bigwig Adriano Galliani, would have undoubtedly capsized the trawler on the way to the Faroe Islands tomorrow…

Valon Behrami to West Ham
The right-back known as the “Swiss David Beckham” has invoked another weird contract clause that will allow West Ham to sign him for £1.5 million rather than the £11 million Lazio have demanded. It casts doubts over the future of captain Lucas Neill, who may ruin the party for City fans happy they avoided Ronaldinho.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If the Daily Mail are actually printing something positive about West Ham, it must be true

Anton Ferdinand rejects Newcastle
Newcastle’s madcap scheme of basing their transfer recruiters in London hasn’t helped them bring in any defenders this summer. First, Richard Dunne decided he’d rather win his thousandth player of the season award at Man City and now Soulja Boy Ferdinand has decided that not even the Newcastle nightlife is enough to make playing with Joey Barton sound tempting.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: West Ham seem happy to lose Anton but he doesn’t want to go

Tal Ben-Haim to Man City
Slimeball Peter Kenyon is still laughing after flogging flop Steve Sidwell for £5 million

FIFA President claims players suffer from “modern slavery”

With the transfer rumours getting a tad repetitive, we were hoping that Sepp Blatter would make one of his trademark stupid comments to provide some mild entertainment. Thankfully he has managed to surpass all expectations with his latest foot-in-mouth moment, surmising that transfer saga regulars like Cristiano Ronaldo and Emmanuel Adebayor, rather than the public who have to endure their summer-long ‘ordeals’, are victims:

“I’m always in favour of protecting the player and if the player wants to leave let him leave. If the player wants to play somewhere else, then a solution should be found because if he stays in a club where he does not feel comfortable to play then it’s not good for the player and for the club.

“I think in football there’s too much modern slavery in transferring players or buying players here and there, and putting them somewhere. We are trying now to intervene in such cases. The reaction to the Bosman law is to make long-lasting contracts in order to keep the players and then if he wants to leave, then there is only one solution, he has to pay his contract.”

Fair enough, there is some merit in this argument. Steve Sidwell and Tal Ben Haim, for example, have joined a club believing they will receive first-team opportunities, only for the manager who signed them to be replaced by someone who isn’t aware they exist.

Yet we fail to see how this applies to players who were signed by their current manager and are fundamental to their team like Cristiano Ronaldo and Emmanuel Adebayor. The former committed to a five-year contract last April, so why does Blatter feel he can now renege on that agreement? He says players should be allowed to leave if they do not “feel comfortable”, but it’s difficult

Wow, what a cup final it’s going to be - no Defoe, no Fowler, no recognisable goal scorers on either team. Get ready for a stonker, people! To calm you down, and get that heart rate back to around normal, here’s some very sobering news from the transfer underground…

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid (which we reported straight outta the Spanish press last week)
After spending most of the season casually toying with Premier League teams like a panther wafting around a gerbil with one of it’s shiny claws, Ronaldo is probably bored of the silly Premier League with its dim-witted defenders and smarmy goalkeepers. He may be wise, however, to read Chaucer’s Tale of Thierry Henry - it’s about a man who thought he had it all, but so didn’t.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: May have peaked for Man United already, don’t count against it.

Ricardo Carvalho to Real Madrid
While everyone stands back and applauds John Terry for being Mister Chelsea, it’s actually the gentleman next to him with a middle-aged hair-don’t doing all the work. As the people of Spain will find out next season.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Without Mourinho there to give him cuddles, what’s the point? Should be off.

When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!

Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.

DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.

DC William Gallas (Arsenal)
Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.

DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.

Middlesbrough managed to pull themselves away from a relegation scrap at the right time, but they’ll have just enough rope to hang themselves next season if they bring Paul Robinson on board. Here’s today’s rumours from the north east and beyond:

Thierry Henry to Arsenal
While the BBC have shown us video of Henry himself saying the only Premier League club he would play for is Arsenal, The Sun chose to print a quote-free, substance-free story insisting he was going to Newcastle to be the new Alan Shearer. Bad timing, red top rumour monkeys.

Antonio Valencia to Liverpool
It must have been a nervy morning for Liverpool fans as they heard Rafa Benitez wanted to sign a Wigan player - “please don’t bring Heskey back” - luckily for them, Rafa is looking to sign his hundredth winger instead.

Aaron Lennon to Manchester City
City have never really got over the loss of Shaun Wright-Phillips to Chelsea’s reserve team, so now they plan to bring in the half-an-inch shorter replica.

Paul Robinson to Middlesbrough
Gareth Southgate has shown what he learnt when playing under Steve McLaren by choosing to replace his Champions League-bound keeper Mark Schwarzer with the seemingly Championship-bound

Ahh, Saint George’s Day - the one day of the year when you can go into the office with your tatts out and blood on your knuckles and no one even bats an eyelid. Because if they do, that’s fighting talk, their eyelid is taking the mick, thinking it’s better than you. Stupid eyelid, coming over here in it’s boat, sneaking past customs, taking our women…

Makes you proud to be English.

The Saint George’s transfer talk reads a little something like this:

Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa
Aston Villa goes to bed every single night and dreams of becoming a Top Four/Five club - and word has it that to make such a transition you need to sell your best player to Liverpool, and bring in Chelsea’s… wait for it… STEEEEEEVE Siiiiiiidwelllllll - hang on, that can’t be right…

Samuel Eto’o to Tottenham
Eto’o said, verbatum: “If next year we continue the same without winning titles here, I will have to go to another place because what I want is to win.” Spurs bloggers heard: “I very much adore Juande Ramos and would love to come to Tottenham Hotspur to defend the Carling Cup.” Unlikely, surely?